Friday, December 26, 2008

Limited X-Ray Tech/Medical Assistant (CMA)

Seeking an energetic, team orientated limited x-ray/MA for our busy, growing family practice. Full-time (35-40 hr/wk). Mon – Fri, plus some early evenings, and occasional half-day Sat. Clinic location: Beaverton.

Qualifications:
• 1+ yr MA/X-Ray experience in busy family or internal medicine clinical setting.
• AS MA degree, certification preferred, or equivalent training and experience
• Limited X-Ray Certification required
• Basic phlebotomy and lab skills
• Computer literate, prior experience working with EMR software (i.e. Intergy) and other windows-based software.
• Able to accurately type 45 wpm.
• Stable work history, verifiable employment references
• CPR / First Aid Certification, preferred
• Competent and efficient with all aspect of MA clinical responsibilities
• Comfortable rooming 20 to 30 patients per day.
• Command of medical terminology and common medical abbreviations
• Strong written and verbal communication, grammar and spelling skills

Competencies:
• Collaborative, cooperative team player, w/professional maturity
• Able to manage patient flow to maximize providers efficiency
• Able to coordinate rooming of patients for more than one provider as a time, as needed.
• Sound judgment, good problem solving, quick learner, adaptable – thrives on change
• Takes responsibility for continuing professional development
• Positive, self-starter, who thrives on complementing provider and staff relationships
• Reliable, able of focus on details, process work accurately/timely with excellent follow through.
• Able to be relied on to work with limited supervision.


Full benefits packet - Medical, Dental, Rx, Life Ins, LTD, STD, AD&D, Spouse & Child life, 401k with employer match, PTO, CE Assist. EAP, Travel Assist, and more. Competitive pay.

Qualified candidates, please submit resume and cover letter, along with completed application from our website (www.pacificmedicalgroup.com) to: HR Dept, 6 Centerpointe Drive, Ste 200, Lake Oswego, OR 97035 or efax to 503 914-0335, or email to careers@pacificmedicalgroup.com

*****

Gentlemen and genteel women:

I understand you seek a competent X Ray technician with many skills that I do not possess. But fear not, for despite my medical illiteracy I have a unique ability that few if any humans past or present have acquired. I was involved in a horrific accident while working in the warehouse of a medical supplies firm and my body was bombarded by unrepentant x rays, destroying much of my body and turning me into the masked man you likely know as The Magnificent See Through Man! You see, my body now naturally emits low frequency x rays, giving me the power to see through walls and doors and making my body a terrifying, glowing skeleton, which is why I typically wear a very long lead-lined coat, dark hat and scarf when I patrol the streets of whichever city my adventuring has taken me to. I recall a rather embarrassing moment in London two years ago. A brisk wind, a park full of children... You can imagine the horrified screams of a mob of kids made to glimpse a monstrous, green-haloed skeleton. It was quite a mess!

Anyway, now I'm in Portland, basically unemployable and stuck here for the time being. Fighting crime just doesn't pay like it used to and there are hardly any super villains lurking in high rise buildings or sewer kingdoms here, so, basically, I'm asking if I can help you out. I'm basically an x ray machine, just, you know, living. If you've got anything for me, that's be appreciated.

Thanks!

(Name withheld for security purposes)

PS: This, eh, STD portion of the Medical Benefits Package? Is that what I think it is? If so, well, I'll tell you about it later. Let's just say I'm a little paranoid about going to the free clinic. So... There's that.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Mystery Shopper Needed

We are DIAMOND TEXTILE COMPANY,MYSTERY SHOPPER WANTED EARN NO LESS THAN $
500.00Need extra INCOME! Become our [ MYSTERY SHOPPER]:Earn [ NO LESS THAN
$500.00 ] Per Venture:It is Very Easy and Very Simple:No Application
fees:What You need to do is to contact the email below
jessy_jefferson@hotmail.com
Enclose your:Name
Address
Country of Residence:
Phone Number

*****

Ssh, don't tell anyone, but...

I'M YOUR MYSTERY SHOPPER!

I even have my own theme song, check it out:

Mystery Shopper dun dun dun dun dun dun dun Mystery Shopp-er dun dun dun dun dun dun dun If you've got a mystery, then I'm your shopper!

You can imagine my surprise to find that people are just advertising for mystery shoppers on Craigslist, I mean, what if you're someone just seeking to compromise the identities of mystery shoppers the city over? But something tells me I can trust you, some... hunch, deep in my gut. And like all great mystery shoppers, I know when to follow my hunches, yes I do!

Let me give you some of my credentials. Did you ever hear of the Mystery of the Tide Detergent? That was my case - solved it in under an hour, even. Probably one of my finest moments. I'm sure you know the details, even in our hush hush business that one got pretty famous pretty quickly! Then there was the Kellog's Breakfast Cereal Caper - you might not have heard of that one, but let's just say there's a certain mystery shopper with a lifetime supply of Raisin Bran and Yogurt Bites.

Well, enough about me, what about you? What mystery has you so desperate that you're seeking shoppers in the barrel-bottom location that is Craigslist? Something pretty awful I'd bet! Well look no further. Gentlemen, I give you: The Shopping Cart Clouseau, the Determined Detector of Detergents, Maaaster of Mystery and Produce Private Eye:

Nate Balding!!!!!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Part Time Office Worker

10-12 hours weekly. Experience preferred. Resume and cover letter with at least 3 references please.

*****

HERE'S TO THE SUN SHINING ON YOU AND YOURS FOR ALL ETERNITY!

I'm seeking a second job. Raising chickens for slaughter and making butter just isn't the moneymaker it used to be. And now that Obama bin Laden's been elected to the presidency of the United States I'm more convinced than ever that the future is one of instability and, ultimately, the utter destruction of first America and then mankind on whole. However, in the interim, before God rains flaming sulphuric boulders from the sky, I would like to be able to provide enough bread and rice for my family to survive into the apocalypse, at which point we will rise up to Heaven on golden sun rods and angel clouds. No doubt you will be among the masses hoarded into the great maw of the Beast, but that doesn't mean we can't work together, does it? In fact, you may even benefit from the piety that I will bring to your office and the daily Word of God 2008-09 calendar that will be forever present at my workspace. I could even convince my pastor to baptize the heathen office workers! He did a fine job turning our small community of God-fearing people into True Believing Christian Separatists. But in this economy, even our little clan is forced to pursue other means by which to support ourselves and our ambitions toward Eternity (what is your policy on concealed handguns?). Before my rebirth I worked in many offices and once even prevented one of those 'incidents' you used to read about in the mid nineties. In terms of references I can give three excellent ones: The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. All will speak volumes about my excellent office working skills. And if you're lucky, all will welcome you into the bosom of Christ Our Lord and raise you up past the glass bowl of sky to the Kingdom beyond the Veil!

Bless you,

Nate Balding

Monday, December 15, 2008

Great Experience, Great Money

Greetings -

College Pro is a nationwide company that specializes in hiring college students or recent graduates to learn management skills in a small business setting. Though many of our managers are OSU or UofO students, we accept applicants from any university or college in the region.

We are currently interviewing for our management team for 2009. Within the supportive and innovative College Pro environment, our student managers gain skills in everything from putting together a marketing plan to effectively hiring and managing employees. The job is challenging, with great pay, gives students a ton of real-world leadership experience, and looks great on a resume.

If you’d like to get some more information about the position, please send me an email with your current phone number, location, and a good time to call, and either me or the local General Manager will give you a call.

Best Wishes,

Jason Thompson
General Manager
College Pro, US Ltd.
Oregon Division

together, realizing potentials

*****

Greetings! Or should I say, 'great'ings?

This great money thing sounds just great. Great experiences are really what I'm looking for in life. Want a great life? Fill it with great experiences, my great grandmother used to say. Truly, great work leads to great times and great money really makes a great time even greater. You know what's great? Grapes. It almost rhymes. Great grapes are the greatest thing you can grate between great teeth. It's like a tongue twister! I just invented a tongue twister. Beat that college managers! I am so great.

Down to the matter at hand, though: Well, no, not yet! Great things to come; I have a greatsword; Greatness is the price of awesome; Great great great great great!

Okay, now that that's out of my system, what kinda duckets we talking here slim?

Nate Balding

Friday, December 12, 2008

Employee Benefits Manager

WILLAMETTE DENTAL

We are looking for someone who can ensure that our benefits program helps us attract and retain the desired workforce. With the help of an assistant, this hands-on position will analyze benefits needs, make recommendations for change, and oversee benefits implementation & administration. Because we attempt to optimize our human resources, this position may at times get involved in non-benefits areas such as compensation or employee relations. Our company is entrepreneurial so the work environment tends to be flexible and non-bureaucratic. If you have a bachelor's degree and experience managing benefits, we are interested.

Excellent benefits package including medical, dental, vision, life insurance, PTO, and more, as well as competitive salary!

*****

The dental business, eh?

Good, because, frankly, my teeth are in worse shape than a ten year old whose been left home alone while his family flies to France and has to outwit a couple of bumbling would-be burglars! Am I right? Yeah, I'm right...

And now that I've broken the ice, let's get down to business, shall we? You need someone to snap your worthless employees into shape through iron-handed benefit management. That person could - nay, should! - be me. I know how to treat all the little hands reaching into your pockets. You cut them the hell off until they stop grabby-grabbing like awful, greedy little thieves! You must leverage those benefits until you've got a workforce that fears your wrath! This is what I like to do: I pretend I'm the Ayatollah and the employees are bad Muslims. What do you do with bad Muslims when you're the religious leader of a puppet government? You stone them to death, one after the next, until every single remnant falls into line. Here's another idea that I think will really wow you: Illegal workforce. I know, I know. Unpopular right now, but hear me out. If you can bring in a workforce that expects nothing? Then you don't have to GIVE them anything! Not a single benefit! They're barely even people! You can just sit back, let your pockets fill up with hundred dollar bills and coast your way to Cozumel. Seriously.

This is the opportunity you've been looking for. And I'm here to orchestrate the systematic degradation of your employee benefit package. Allow me to become your Gestapo. Together we will crush spirits, destroy hope and build a magnificent dental empire!

Yours,

Nate Balding

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Demonstrate Anti Aging Products and Technologies

DEMONSTRATORS to organize, set up anti-aging events. We are launching 3 anti-aging technologies and products, that start wiping away wrinkles and lines in 10 minutes,and all natural active ingredients. Products are money back guarantee.

FIRST Watch the newscast at www.solutions4antiaging.biz/jwilliams then call or send resume for interview or details on the next Anti-aging briefing in the Portland area.

*****

Good eeevening!

My name is Nate Balding. You've not likely heard of me, though in certain circles of the alchemical and pseudo scientific my name is synonymous with anti-aging technologies. You would have to delve deep, DEEP! into a dark world of cutthroats, madmen and black artistry to uncover what I already know, and yet these secrets can be yours for a paltry sum. Say, your soul? I know, I know, what use have ye men of tomorrow for souls? They may as well be given over to someone who, though not quite a man any longer, still has use for such outmoded currencies, don't you think? And after, the secrets of longevity, perhaps even immortality, can be woven into your very thoughts using my brain secretion apparatus! Yes, YOU can know the cosmos in all its foetid, creeping horror. Such is the very nature of our Dark Order - an Order to which you will be bound by blood and spirit, should you choose to accept my offer. I need only have you sign a contract at midnight on the night of the Solstice and you will then know everything about anti-aging processes that I currently have stored, like empty lodestones, in the farthest reaches of my meta mind!

I will also throw in a gift basket containing the latest anti-wrinkle creams and skin luxuriants.

Thanks,

Nate Balding & the Dark Master's Will

Friday, December 5, 2008

Moonstruck Chocolate Sales Associate and Shift Lead

Moonstruck Chocolate Cafe in Beaverton is looking for enthusiastic chocolate lovers to join the team!
We are looking for Full-Time and Part-Time Sales Associates for permanent positions. And a Part-Time Shift Lead.
You must be able to start immediately and have open availability to work through December.
Some of the criteria for these positions are a great attitude, team player, excellent customer service, leadership skills and integrity. Coffee knowledge and chocolate knowledge are a plus.
So if you love delighting customers and would like to work in a delicious environment please submit your resume.

*****

Hello chocoriffic chocophiles!

Before I do anything else, I'd like to share with you this excellent selection of quotes from the film Moonstruck, which will prove my excellent candidacy for this position:

Mona: You have such a head for knowing!

Cosmo Castorini: Birds fly to the stars - I guess...

Cosmo Castorini: There are three kinds of pipe. There's aluminum, which is garbage. There's bronze, which is pretty good, unless something goes wrong. And something always goes wrong. Then, there's copper, which is the only pipe I use. It costs money. It costs money because it saves money.

Ronny Cammareri: I love you.
Loretta Castorini: [slaps him twice] Snap out of it!

Ronny Cammareri: Loretta, I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and *die*. The storybooks are *bullshit*. Now I want you to come upstairs with me and *get* in my bed!

Ronny Cammareri: Everything seems like nothing to me now, 'cause I want you in my bed. I don't care if I burn in hell. I don't care if you burn in hell. The past and the future is a joke to me now. I see that they're nothing. I see they ain't here. The only thing that's here is you - and me.

Rose Castorini: You... you got a love bite on your neck. He's coming back this morning, what's the matter with you? You're life's going down the toilet! Cover up that damn thing! Come on, put some make-up on it!

Ronny Cammareri: A bride without a head!
Loretta Castorini: A wolf without a foot!

Perry: Pardon me folks. That was just a very attractive mental patient.

Old Man: [uncomfortable silence at kitchen table] Someone, tell a joke...

As you can plainly see, from my selection of film quotes and the diverse characters from whence they come, I am, in fact, completely able to perform all of the functions necessary to being the perfect salesperson. I will use these quotes whenever necessary to invoke the power of la bella luna, thus creating a spiritual connection between myself and whomever I am selling to. Thusly under my thrall, I shall sell them more chocolate than they have ever had need for. Quickly I will be King of Chocolate Land, doer of great deeds and devout follower of the Moonstruck movie/chocolate store cult. I shall send off with this last quote that I think you will find quite humorous, in addition to being completely true:

Ronny Cammareri: I have a feeling this is going to be just delicious.

Thank you,

Nate Balding

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Collection Experience?? Manager Trainee at Finance Company!

Manager Trainee Position available at finance company!
We have TWO positions available - one near downtown Portland, and the other near Gladstone.

Customer Service & collections experience preferred.

We offer a great training program and will help you obtain the skills you need to advance with our company!

We offer excellent benefits, including: 100% paid employee medical insurance, profit-sharing & retirement trust, employee savings accounts (which pay 10%!!!) and performance-based contests & bonuses!

This is a FULL TIME position ~ Our business hours are 9am to 6pm Monday thru Friday

Requirements:
Speak, read & write English fluently
Pass credit screening (EXCELLENT credit required - NOTHING derogatory - we WILL check!!!)
Pass drug screen & criminal background check
HS diploma/GED
Valid Oregon drivers license
Punctual & reliable person with clear honesty record
Reliable transportation

Preferred:
Bi-lingual English & Spanish - fluent speak, read & write
1 yr customer service experience
Clerical experience
Collection experience
Cash Handling Experience

Fax resume to: 503-238-6453
Email: unitedfinanceco@hotmail.com
Mail: PO Box 4248 Portland OR 97208
no phone calls please

******PLEASE DO NOT APPLY IF YOU CANNOT PASS CREDIT CHECK, DRUG SCREEN AND BACKGROUND CHECK********

*****

Pass a credit check? YES! Pass a drug screen? PROBABLY! Pass a background check?

I am the man you need for this job, YES I AM! You need a collector, right? Someone to K some A around the city, make things hard for the dum-dum population? That's me, to a friggin' T! I've been doing that on my own for so long anyway that I might as well be getting paid for it! Ever 'appropriate' someone's car just because they probably couldn't pay for it anyway? Well, I have. I've 'repossessed' things alllll over the city. You wouldn't believe it. Maybe you would. I wouldn't believe it if I didn't know first hand. Oh, and I do.

Listen, though. Here's the deal: I don't EVER want to rise above management trainee. See, the boys around my block, we've always had this thing about authority, right? Nobody likes it. So, if I were to K enough A to end up becoming a manager? Well, you know the boys. I'd have to QUIT! Or suffer the indignation of daily verbal torture for who knows how long... I guess probably until I quit. So maybe that's the deal? I guess it must be. Anywayz, where was I?

Oh, yeah, K'ing all kinds of A. Man, I can K hella A, and I will K that A for your company for a real long time (no management, hey?). I will be the finest trainee who ever K'd A in your company. Those performance based contests and bonuses? You might as well sign those checks to me right now, because they're mine, you got it? Man, you're in a for a treat. Watching me do my thing, it's like a magic trick done by a lion who's on fire underwater on fucking Mars.

Yeah.

I'm that good.

So you know what you need to do. Now you just have to have the balls to do it. High five!

Nate Balding

PS: My honesty record is flawless. I have a photocopy on hand.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Restaurant Bookkeeper

Cactus Jacks Restauant needs part time bookeeper. Duties include; balancing the servers sales from night before to Z tape, making daily deposits, data entry into quickbooks and spread sheets, tabulating employee hours, and maintaining a clean organized office. Please have a friendly personality.

Start at $10 per hour, will move to $12 per hour in three months. Work Sat and Sun 8am - Noon and Fridays 10am - 2pm. Apply in person 11am - 3pm Monday thru Thursday ask for Jack.

*****

Oookay...

So, we're talking front here, right? Because I can keep books. I can't give you my references (well, not without pleading the fifth, am I right?) but trust me, I can be trusted. Trusty McTrusterson, that's what they ought to call me. They don't - well, maybe, behind my back or something (you don't think people are talking behind my back and saying bad things about me do you? That would suuuck!) Where was I? Oh, yeah, bookkeeping. I am pretty great at keeping books. I remember things real well, unless I'm not supposed to remember *wink*. You can rest assured that whatever you're using your restaurant for, I'm not gonna make a stink about it - this guy is no rat fink yellow belly stool pigeon, for sure. Never have been, never will be. I don't even wanna know what the game is (gambling, isn't it? Cactus Jack, that's a gambling name if ever I heard one, but I haven't, got it?) I'll be on top of your finances, keeping those records where they're supposed to be, shifting when something needs to be shifted. That's what I do. That's who I am. So let's get down to business, shall we?

Sincerely,

AKA Evan Konstantin

Friday, November 28, 2008

Deputy District Attorney

Southern Colorado (Alamosa and the San Luis Valley) seeking qualified applicants for Deputy District Attorney position for the 12th Judicial District. Immediate hands on experience with all aspects of County and District Court. Great opportunity for the right applicant. Must be licensed to practice law in Colorado by January 13, 2009. Salary DOE. Please send cover letter, resume and references to: dm12judicialda@live.com or mail to David Mahonee, P.O. Box 321, Alamosa, CO 81101.
Must be received before 12/31/1008.
Start date 1/13/2009.
eeoc

*****

Well howdy do Sirs! (I assume you are men, as women cannot practice law in this state, though I suppose you may be a secretary or some such person reading this in lieu of your definitely male superior...)

I am a well qualified man who, though I currently do not have a license to practice law in the state of Colorado and currently reside in Oregon, wishes to obtain a high-paying position inside your legal organization as Deputy District Attorney. I have only one pertinent question: Is it cool if I wear a tuxedo every day to work? It is the one caveat under which I have operated throughout my entire adult life. I refuse to dress in anything save a beautiful coal-colored tuxedo with a red bow-tie. There is, in fact, no finer garment on Earth.

I'll bet you're wondering how a man like myself will have obtained a law degree before the date mentioned in your Craigslist posting (did I read that correctly? Craigslist posting for Deputy District Attorney?). Again, gentlemen, I must refer you to my gallant tuxedo. Have you ever seen a man in a tuxedo fail? I don't believe you have. A man with an effete tuxedo flourish over his manly physique will invariably manage to complete whatever task has beset him and I am no different from this image of Brosnan-era-Bond perfection, except in that I am more like Remington-Steel-era-Brosnan-aged.

I hope you'll grant me the opportunity to display both my adequate legal mind and my wonderful series of coal-colored tuxedos with a red bow-tie.

Thank you,

Nate Balding

Monday, November 17, 2008

Subway Now Hiring Managers - Crew {Denver Edition}

Subway restaurant in Broomfield near the Flatirons mall is now hiring for ALL positions and shifts. Flexible hours, competitive wages, paid vacation and free meals and uniforms.
Please email a reply or call Brenda or Jenny to schedule an interview.
Brenda 720.363.9948
Jenny 303.257.8609

*****

Five!

Five dollar!

Five dollar foot long! Yeah yeah yeah yeah!

Oh my god I love your sandwiches! I eat Subway probably, what, every day? Yeah, pretty much every day. That song you guys play on the ads? The footlong song? I hear that probably like all the time mostly. It just gets stuck in my head and I'm rockin' it probably like all the rest of the day. Like the whole thing. It just gets in there and plays again and again and eventually I'm like, hey, I need some Subway! And then I buy a sandwich and it's probably like the greatest sandwich I've ever had, like, every time. You wouldn't believe it. Or maybe you would, because, like, you probably eat Subway all the time too, since if you work there it's probably free, but if I worked there I would probably pay for it anyway because, hey, you have to make money, right? Everybody does. Which brings me to this: I need a job. I love Subway. If we could see a way to combining these two things into one I love my job at Subway, then that would probably be the best thing probably ever. I could totally invent new sandwiches too. Picture this: Cheese covered bread filled with bacon, mayonnaise, jalapenos, more bacon, honey, lettuce, marrow, over-easy egg. Fucking awesome, right? Right. Probably like just the best sandwich ever made, totes cereal. So you should probably hire me.

Yeah!

Nate Balding

PS: That sandwich is totally copyrighted now so don't, like, steal it or whatever.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Space Available for Hair Designer in Victorian House

New space available and for rent for hair designer/color specialist at Colour Theory in Happy Valley on 132nd and Sunnyside. The space available for you and your customers is on the main floor of a two story Victorian home. Please leave a message for Gina at 503-698-3091 or reply to this email.

Thank you.

*****

Spooktacular autumn to you and your ghoul fiends!

I am a medium of ghastly style, a specialist in conjuring through one's hair the darkness that lies within them. I seek only to find the perfect haven of horror to practice my black crafts - a place where once murder was the midnight meal and the wanderings of spirits can be heard through the creaking floors and seen through the misty attic windows. I want to learn more about this home. Is it truly spooky enough to engender the secret knowledge of the Old Ones? Has there been any mystical activity recently? Are you in fact a gruesome succubus luring innocents into your domain in order to drain from them youth and beauty (That would truly be masterful irony!)?

A little about me: I LOVE Halloween so so so much and never want it to end. Vincent Price and Elvira are my soulless-mate heroes. I've been living inside the bell jar of dark eyeliner and even blacker thoughts since I was sixteen years old and have no plans to change. Having little else to do besides smoke pot and style my own hair in numerous ways, I've developed a grand but controversial ability to bring forth the lunatics living inside all people, using only their hair and the occasional applique of a whole lot of makeup and some face paint. I could do brisk business, but really seeing the good people of the world transformed into the grotesque monsters they really are is all the payment I need. (Kidding, of course. I charge. A lot.)

If you're house is the creepy mansion of an era long past, filled with the specters of unreality and the will-o-wisps of cruel intention, then I would be frighteningly glad to buy in.

Yours in Hell,

Nate 'The Black God' Balding

Friday, October 31, 2008

Office Assistant

Well respected company is looking for someone who likes to care for details and contribute to the company success. Duties will include organizing business functions, assisting customers, answering questions, taking phone calls and assisting with general office tasks.

Candidates must have 2+ yrs administrative experience and helping in a fast paced office environment. Candidates must be able to maintain excellent communication, be able to follow written and verbal instruction and have demonstrated ability to research, organize and manage information.

Action Employment, Inc. job postings are either actual positions we have available at the time of posting or are positions we expect to fill. If you are interested in being considered for this position and others that we have available please email us your resume at: resume@actionemployment.net Please include the posting ID with your resume.
Please also check out our other opportunities at: www.actionemployment.net

*****

Good day to you!

I'm writing this letter in regards to your open position for office assistant. I'm a professional, detail oriented Amanda you get back in your god damn room until it's cleaned I'd better be able to eat off your floor person who's spent seven years in an office environment. I've worked as a secretary at several major law firms in the what did I tell you, do you want me to get my belt? Then clean your god damned room! area. My skill set is fairly broad, spanning most general office activities up to and including some minor paralegal duties. I do have one issue, however, that you will want to take into that's it, you're getting the belt. No, no, I don't care if you're sorry! account; I'm unable to speak while typing without entering my speech into the text. It's known as Benson's can't hear you, Daddy's too busy sucking corporate cock in order to keep your sorry yap full of food Disorder. It's a mild form of autism and incurable, but with a proofreading assistant I can usually manage to get along just fine. Hope to hear back from you soon!

Sincerely,

Nate stop your fucking crying I'll give you something to cry about Balding

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Dog Daycare Worker

This is a part time, temporary position, approx. 12-20 hours per week, mostly afternoons. You probably will have to work holidays.
You will need to be friendly,confident around dogs,able to deal with dogs of all sizes. In addition to monitoring the dogs to ensure their safety, you'll be cleaning the space,which includes lots of mopping & poop patrol. Some customer service, including handling phone calls & answering potential clients questions.This job requires lots of standing, so be in good condition. While you will have fun,(you get to hang with dogs!)it also can be stressfull as you will be responsible for the wellfare of our customers pets. Experience preferred. Being able to read dogs body language helps too. We are located in SE Portland. Please have reliable transportation.

Please send resume, & letter of interest.

*****

Love dogs! Let me restate that: Love love love LOVE dogs!

Have you ever found yourself sitting alone at home, miserable and just about ten seconds from slashing your wrists? I mean, who hasn't, right? Tot obvs. And what cures the suicide blues better or more quickly than a puffy little pooch sticking his dirty wet nose against yours and licking you full on the lips, giving his little poochy woochy snuggle kisses? Nothing, that's what. Nobody with a dog ever killed themselves, it's basically proven fact. You just can't! When you're in the shower affixing your new studded belt to the head, completely naked and showing the scarred remnants of your angst-driven need to cut yourself and that baby waby doggy pads on in and looks up at you with those big shiny brown eyes, like he's just saying, "Hey, whattaya doin? Whose gonna feed me and take me on walks if you hang yourself? I don't want a new owner, I wuvs u!" Oh. My. God. Just try. Seriously, try. If you can pull the trigger while biting down on the end of a sawed off shotgun you bought at the pawn shop earlier in the week after ritually shaving your entire body and eating an ascetic last meal of savory greens and potatoes while Mr. Cuddlewumps is yowling for a special weshel treatie? Then you are ten times the man that I am. Because I couldn't do it. Not with the little bastard staring me down, reminding me of all the hours of my life that I've given to him; all the shit that I've cleaned; all the pillows and couches that were ruined when I left him home alone. No, no I couldn't possibly kill myself while thinking about that, could I? But there is something else I could do... That's right puppy, you're gonna see grandma in heaven! Yes you are! Yes you are!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

FUN Weight Loss/Nutrition Coaches/ Assistants Needed

ATTENTION: WANTED

Weight Loss / Nutrition Coaches and Assistants needed for

weight loss challenge program. No experience needed.

Full training provided, P/T-F/T

up to $1500-$5000/mo flexible hrs

FUN Attitude important. Bi-linguals WELCOME

Call Mylissa for phone interview: 206-774-8270

*****

Jack Lalane be damned, I'm exactly what you're looking for.

I'm a high functioning ninety-seven year old young fitness instructor whose outlived all the old goats around me thanks to one thing and one thing only: The Balding School of calisthenics all-body workout program. You wake up? Calisthenics. You eat lunch? Calisthenics. Preceding and following making love to your wife or a sweet young girl putting herself through college? You guessed it: Calisthenics. I will teach you and yours the ins and outs of the Balding School calisthenic technique. We'll do squats, toe touches, windmills, back stretchers, calf punches, lung gutters and fish slippers. By the end of it you'll be in the best shape of your life and I'll have the satisfaction of knowing that I can still take on a group of dumb young fatties and slap 'em into a shape some drunken gentleman might actually mistake for a lady. These are women, right? I don't teach the men anymore; I'm too old to worry about anything but the bodies of lithe young women. Don't worry, I'm no heavy petter. Just an old man in fantastic shape who enjoys seeing the female body in all of its glorious curvaceous beauty.

So don't bother with those other guys; this is the one. I've got more steam and spunk than a god damned freight train coursing through the tight sinewy flesh hung on these old but spry bones. Just give me a shot. I'll prove it to you and those god damned grandkids. 'Oh, grandpa, you can't play catch with us you're too old!' Ugly little fuckers, too. Damn the daughter for marrying a Jew.

Sincerely,

Nate Balding

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Yet Another Response Alert

Again, from StrongResume.com:

I sent you a couple emails already with more info on becoming a
resume writer in our marketplace... from the looks of your resume
I think you'd be a great fit!

Unless I'm mistaken, it doesn't appear that you've responded yet.

We've had great response so far from others in your area and are
about to close down the offer, but I wanted to give you one last
chance in case you've just been too busy up until now to take a
look.

Click the following link for information on how to get started:

http://www.strongresume.com/writers/1a-signup.php

I hope we're able to work together.

- Chris

*****
Yes, I too hope we will work together Chris.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

opportunity knoks (portland?vancouver)

Large home improvement company looking to add 5+ more reps to cover lead flow.
I currently have 35 reps and need 5+ more to cover my new lead sources. All pre-set appointments, no door knocking or cold calling. Average first year income 70K with many making six figures in commissions and bonuses. We offer paid training, medical, dental, vision and a matching 401k plan. If you are a self starter who does not like to lose. Then you must call Bryan @ (503)572-5252 or email resume to bkt792004@yahoo.com
P.S Great opportunity may only knock a couple times in a lifetime - don't let this one pass you up!

*****

Hello enthusiastic employer!

Massive Job is looking to expand its interests overseas. We're a proud company founded in 1509 by Josiah Job (he went by JJ) and his sons and have been in the business of aiding ailing businesses ever since! The patriots at Massive Job were unwilling to entertain the prospect of helping non-Americans for many years (minus that little snafu in Poland in 1939 when our great leader made an itty bitty mistake - you'll read about it) but have changed our minds ever since America almost fell into another depression! What we need are competent individuals to represent us in: China, Serbia, Zimbabwe, Russia, Albania, Somalia, Sudan, North Korea. We do NOT deal arms. I want to make that clear. We merely initiate introductions between business people who then give us a percentage of their earnings in a non-taxable offshore account. Do YOU have what it takes to travel the world and meet interesting people? Can YOU be the one in your family making so much money they leave the dinner table at Thanksgiving to take calls from potential world leaders? Are YOU the one that loves new places and will sign a waiver eliminating your employer from all culpability? Then we want YOU!

Our best,

Nate Balding

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Response Alert!

The following was sent to me,clearly by a robot, from StrongResume.

*****

Candidate ID: Nate

Thanks for submitting your resume.

After reviewing your resume, I'd like to include you as
a featured writer on StrongResume.com.

Learn more here:

http://www.strongresume.com/writers/1a-signup.php

I'm looking forward to working with you!

Best Regards,

Chris Crompton

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Petroleum Inspector {Special Bellingham Job Edition!}

Since I'm taking a trip up north this week, I thought I would go ahead and apply for something in Bellingham, just in case I need some extra cash.

*****

We are seeking an experienced Petroleum Inspector or willing to train the right candidate. We are looking for a self motivated, detail oriented, disciplined individual who is willing and able to work in a position that is on-call 24 hours per day, 365 days per year in the petroleum industry. This position will require local travel. On occasion, distance travel requiring overnight stay(s) will be expected. Reliable transportation with a clean driving record is mandatory; a pickup truck would be preferred. 40 hours per week guaranteed with benefits, after a probationary period.

*****

Hey there,

Stylin' guy here with the need to inspect your jelly. Petroleum is what I do, five times a day, every day, on call to the whimsy of my idle mind. And man, does my mind like to fuckin' idle! I've got a clean driving record (no injuries yet!) and can handle a stick shift masterfully. I've got a truck, but it's not the pickup kind. My truck is a little more, eh, beefy, if you catch my drift. I'm able and willing to work in a whole lot of different positions, especially when there's petroleum around to help 'convince' me to 'play the pretzel'. Do we have an understanding? I hope you get what I'm saying, cause I'm a lot better at inspecting petroleum than I am at spelling things out. Should I take a test to prove it? What happens if I fail? I wouldn't want to get punished for naughty behavior. I especially don't want to end up covered in sweet, sweet petroleum, inspecting the hell out of it. You say you'll train the right candidate? Well, I don't need the training, but I might need a little refresher course in petroleum handling - I'll handle your petroleum if you'll handle mine. Get it? Huh?

So if you want an experienced petroleum inspector eager to get a hold on the industry, I'm more than willing to learn some new ropes. Seriously, though, I need a job and will do anything.

Not implying anything sexual,

Nate Balding

Resume Writer

Online marketplace of resume writers is looking for writers in the Portland area.

Are you comfortable writing resumes?
Do you have time to write at least 1-2 resumes per week?

Please send your own resume to the email address above to be considered for this work.

We'll review your resume within 24 hours or less (except on Sundays) and notify you promptly regarding our decision.

Thanks!

*****

Today management!

It is vigorous? My name the baldness is Nate which caught. I' Publish fiction of the story of several years which and the writer of essay, Harper' It has met in the various magazines which are included, ve; s, Atlantic Ocean monthly magazine and Rolling Stone. Here several years I' The literature scene and retreating/quitting it makes ve submit, it reaches the point where with new direction it is taken the lead, but the fact that you are sharp and maintain by your is written and the fact that it continues to do what of word is desired. As for me including persuasive power, latent characteristic employer' You think; person' S; It is the righteousness which is the value where s has value; I my time and offering the portion of expert knowledge, rejoicing, one which is. I' You to write several my itself resumes, my friends' Ve which has been written plural; . Honestly, there' s possible method it is not you' Someone discovery of ll from more equipped in order for you to achieve this position by your. I' As for ve as for your parachute the reading which is what kind of color, you like that from beginning to end, because the tissue which gets wet, candidly, I' You threw; The smart it is best a little more than directly to m completely from literature viewpoint, in order - at the place, [toraipu] of type of only viewpoint ones which really are important making of me be convinced to recognize.

When it reopened in someone after mind-blowing, mind-blowing we wanted transferring, employ me. So when is not, it inhales because of a certain.

Including sincerity, the baldness Nate which caught

*****

The above reply was written, translated in Japanese, then translated back. Just so's you know.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Costco-Best Buy-Circuit City-Clearwire Wants you!!!!

Clearwire is looking for retail reps to sell Clearwire at one of its National Retail Partners. You will be responsible for building a winning tradition and creating a great relationship between that National Retailer and Clearwire as well as selling Clearwire service. $10 per hour plus commission + HUGE growth potential. Be part of a fun and growing team!
To Apply email resume to shamiso.marangwanda@clearwire.com

*****

Deet Deet Deet:

Sales program SS 17-o5A reporting for position. I am a human semblance interaction sales device used primarily to determine market factors based on appearance in order to more accurately convince persons of unknown origin to purchase products in your stores. I require nothing beyond the basic maintenance necessary to maintain good working conditions inside the polyethylene fuselage in which I am encased. Please! Listen to my sales pitch as regards differing classes of individual!

Young, hip and white: You, with the fixed gear bike! Your needs will be completely fulfilled with this product that is essential to appearing attractive to the opposite sex! It is an mp3 player of some sort! I can program it with the musical selections inherent to your particular lifestyle choice! You will be the momentary envy of many and perhaps undertake sexual intercourse because of it! Ironically!

Elderly and easily berated into purchasing items: This is the thing that your grandchildren are raving about but do not have! If you buy now I can throw in an extra one for only the same price but will cease to be overbearing! Buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it now!!!

Minority: Stop, thief!

Middle aged female with child in stroller: Hey ma, lookin good. You know what a MILF is? I am programmed to pursue intimate encounters with sexy ladies and have the components necessary to give you the pleasure you obviously are missing at home. Query: When does that ass stop? Answer: Never, when it is your ass that is shaking.

So you see, I am capable in every instance to pursue the sale until the item has been purchased. I am relentless, angry and most importantly, a fucking robot. HIRE ME!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Response Alert!

I was granted an interview with AFLAC based on my cover letter involving Steven Segal.

Quality Engineer

Acumed LLC in Hillsboro is currently recruiting for a Quality Engineer.

Job Purpose / Scope

Designs and installs quality control process sampling systems, procedures, and statistical techniques. Investigates issues to determine root cause and develop appropriate corrective and preventative actions. Designs or specifies inspection and testing mechanisms and equipment. Analyzes production limitations and standards. Recommends revision of specifications when indicated. Formulates or assists in formulating quality control policies and procedures.

Qualifications include:
-Bachelors degree in Quality Assurance or equivalent field required
-2+ years experience in manufacturing / quality with a working knowledge of inspections techniques and procedures
-Working knowledge of validations (IQ, OQ, PQ) and process FMEA
-Working knowledge of applicable Code of Federal Regulations (21 CFR Parts 7,11,803,806,820, etc.) and ISO 13485 systems
-ASQ certified Quality Engineer, Six Sigma certified and knowledge of Lean Manufacturing principles desired

For more about our company, culture and benefits and to see a detailed job description please visit our website at www.acumed.net

To apply please send cover letter and resume to resumes@acumed.net

*****

Hiring Manager:

I am writing this letter to you in response to your Craigslist posting seeking a quality engineer, and to attempt to convince you, by the end of this letter, to hire me instead of that bitch Sheila Perninsky.

I've known Sheila for most of my life. We were childhood friends who met at a local public pool and discovered that we lived on the same block. Our friendship was immediate and few days went by without a trailblazing bicycle ride or a crawl through the expansive undergrowth in the massive yard of a nearby dilapidated mansion owned by a man we all called Old Withershins. As we progressed into our teens, becoming increasingly aware of each other, Sheila and I experimented briefly and in an all-too-Dawson's-Creek way with sex, though ultimately decided - for the best, I have always maintained - that we continue to be just friends. We parted ways at college, as often happens, I attending a University in Phoenix and Sheila, to her great credit, going to Brown. We both majored in communications and after college both returned home to Portland where we found each other once more when both of us were employed as system analysts in the same office. We clicked immediately and, after a night of slightly too much red wine, slept together. It was a beautiful night, crystallized in my memory as a single perfect moment suspended before the very likeness of God in the form of a pillar of solar flame.

But what happened two years later? What happened when someone a little older, wiser, with more money decided that Sheila should go away to Chile on an adventure climbing mountains? You can guess what happened. Sheila Perninsky, my lifetime friend and companion, told me to go fuck myself. Well fuck you Sheila! You're not even that good looking! When you break a man's heart you'd better rip it from his chest or suffer the consequences!

I am equally qualified for the position Sheila is applying for - and I know she applied because I snooped her email outbox from work, so don't even try to tell me she didn't - only I have one thing that Sheila cannot claim: Integrity. When I become a member of your corporate family I don't piss on your emotions and flush away fifteen years - fifteen years! - for some bullshit nobody asshole named Frederick Ungerland - I'm coming for you too fuckface Fred!

Please consider not hiring that bitch, Sheila Perninsky, because she's a whore and a liar and fuck her.

Thank you,

Nate Balding

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Evening Doorman

Do you like working in a nurturing, fast-paced environment with room for advancement? Look no further than the Heathman Hotel, in downtown Portland, Or. Named one of the "World's Best Places to Stay" by Condé Nast Traveler and one of the "500 Best Hotels in the World" by Travel + Leisure, The Heathman Hotel sets the standard for elegance and style. Our personalized attention to every guest's needs ensures an unforgettable stay in Portland.

The Heathman Hotel is looking for an energetic, outgoing person to represent our hotel. We are looking to fill the evening doorman position. Don’t miss this opportunity to wear our Beefeater uniform and work at one of the most unique hotels in Portland. You will need a valid driver’s license, a copy of your driving record, and pass a drug screening. The Heathman Hotel is consistently rated one of the premier boutique hotels in Portland. For more information on our property, visit www.heathmanhotel.com.

Ideal candidates would possess excellent customer service skills, fun & outgoing personalities, and willingness to tackle challenging tasks and responsibilities. Experience in customer service related fields is preferable. The shift will be from 3:00pm-11:00pm and you must work weekends. Flexibility in scheduling is a must.

Don’t miss out on this opportunity! We eagerly await your response. Interested applicants are welcome to apply personally, or reply to the e-mail address provided below (please provide resumes with response).

*****

Greetings Future Fellow Heathman Hotel Employee! I hope this fine day finds you in good health and high spirits.

I would like to apply for the job you've posted on Craigslist. Some things you should know about me in bullet point form:

*I am outgoing and energetic in every endeavor, whether it be a new job or a trip to the dentist!
*I am a highly functional individual and have almost no mental illness in my family history (Sorry Uncle Charlie, but you're not helping on this one!)
*I have a great deal of customer service experience and enjoy dealing with people very much!
*I'm willing to work for tips!
*I've never committed fraud!
*I will definitely NOT not wash my hands after number two (If you catch my drift!)

Here are some things that I'm looking for in you, also in bullet point form:

*You are kind
*You are funny
*You are not a terrorist
*You pay well, but not too well, as I prefer tips
*Underneath it all you're just a human being, just like me and everyone else, with emotions and cares and hopes and dreams and aspirations that you want to accomplish before you kick off this mortal coil and go to play with the angels

If we sound as much like a good fit to you as you sound to me, let me know! I'm eager to get myself a job so I can start drinking again.

Thanks so much!

Nate Balding

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Balanced, Rewarding Sales Career Opportunity

AFLAC - We are expanding our operations in the Portland Metro Area – Downtown/East Side location.

Aflac is a Fortune 200 company that strives for balance; balance between careers and family, work and play, individual effort and teamwork, accountability and a sense of purpose, to create a rewarding professional experience.

We currently have openings for qualified individuals for the following positions:

• Account Managers
• Trainers
• District Managers

We are looking for people oriented, energetic candidates who have a desire to work hard and earn an above average income. Backgrounds in Insurance, Sales, Human Resources, Teaching, Customer Service, Management, and bilingual skills are a plus, but not required!

The Aflac opportunity offers:

• No nights or weekend work or travel required.
• Classroom education and field training in all areas.
• No-limit income and financial rewards.
• Top commissions, including advance and residual income (50% vested
after 2 years!)
• Company-paid stock bonus plan.
• Awards, recognition, and trips.
• Management opportunities.

If you are new to our field, we will provide you the training to put you on a FAST START to the top. If you are experienced, we will give you the support to insure you rise to the TOP!

*****

Salutations friend!

What you offer is exactly what I seek! I've sought balance - true balance, mind you - for nearly my entire life. Following the deaths of both of my parents in a fiery car crash at the tender age of nine I was entrusted to an uncle whose work with Buddhism you might be familiar with: Steven Seagal ring any bells? He taught me to center myself, how to breathe, how to become the image of the Buddha beneath the tree and find the pathway to righteousness. He also taught me to break spines with several parts of my anatomy.

All that aside, I feel I would be a good candidate for any of your open positions, given my now natural ability to focus, lead, concentrate, focus, and lead. Without a doubt I am a candidate of extreme qualifications with plenty of experience. You need a hard worker? When I was under the tutelage of Uncle Steve I was worked like a dog or possibly horse day in and day out, training my muscles and mind to unlock the potentialities hidden within. You require energetic persons? How about someone whose gone ten rounds with a master of numerous martial arts as well as a high Buddhist priest? That takes stamina, energy and a will to succeed above all others. I am the iron fist of administrative abilities, fashioned to a sleek, hard-working, energetic sales associate. You did mention bilingual skills; something I actually don't have, unless you count the language of violence. I am very interested in no-limit income and financial rewards (Uncle Steven is remarkably stingy).

In conclusion, let me assure you that the balance I have discovered in my own life has led me to you, a company that prides itself on furthering, knowingly or not, the teachings of my greatest hero: The Buddha. I straddle the crevasse between rage and hope, trying to find a way through. And I think it might just be the Eightfold path of AFLAC.

Namaste,

Nate Balding

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

looking for competent work

looking for competent work, email back for more details

*****


WELL SHIT I'M COMPETENT AS ALL FUCK MAN! I GOT COMPITENCE COMIN OUT MY ASS! U WANT TO HIRE ME OR ?

Pearly's Field Consultant

Are you looking to make extra money in your spare time? Do you want to work from home and make your own hours? Do you want a piece of an 11 billion dollar industry? If so a Pearly's Field Consultant position may be for you.

As a Pearly's Field Consultant you will act as an independent sales representative responsible for scheduling on location Pearly's treatments and Pearly Parties in homes and businesses. For additional details on Pearly's Express and Pearly Parties select the Pearly's Express link above.

Successful candidates will have strong communication skills, personable, and have a strong desire to brighten people's smiles.

This is a commission-based position paid at a highly competitive rate.

Please contact Brad the Pearly's Operations Manager at 360-253-9787, brad@pearlys.com, or visit our store in the Vancouver Mall for additional details.

*****

Brad at Pearly's:

So you seek to hire a field consultant, eh? Well, look no further my good man, for it is I, your future employee calling from afar by way of electronic mailing system to answer the clarion you've trumpeted! You speak of parties thrown in the name of your employer, (I'm assuming he's taken the moniker Mr. Pearly, PhD), a subject to which I am a faithful return customer! It is the sullen rarity that does not fall under my Svengali gaze and whole-heartedly succumb to the lustful whim I bear for brightening the smiles of others! Especially the ladies, but occasionally the men, for I am neither a stranger to the Greek disease, though I hope you'll not hold that against me in our travels. Yes, sir, I am referring in veiled obfuscation to what your mind has certainly conjured in the meanwhile: My little soirees invariably end in the connubial satisfaction of all engaged parties! While you may peddle Mr. Pearly's fine wares, I peddle my own form of pearly good: organic with no assembly necessary! We could make a fortune, you and I - people are wont to do most anything following the spasmodic release of a good old fashioned orgasm. I should know, as it has been my business prior to induce them before cameras! It is only with the onset of late-stage HIV that I am unable to continue in my chosen profession and must seek new fine work to enjoy the lifestyle I've become accustomed to.

Pleased to meet you and, of course, grateful for your time. I'll expect to hear back from you shortly!

Sincerely,

Nate Balding

Team Leader

Stash Tea Company is looking for a Team Leader to be a part of our packaging department.
Education and Work Experience:
High School Diploma required. A background in food related manufacturing of at least five years with two years as Team Leader or Line Lead. An ability to work in a fast paced work environment is required. Clear, concise and accurate verbal and written communication skills are a must. Strong basic math skills are a must. Candidate must be organized and have good problem solving skills.

Primary Purpose:
Support staff reporting to the Packaging Supervisor.
This position will organize and train staff in the methods of quality and
timely packaging while keeping the workload organized and the workplace
clean and safe.

Essential duties and Responsibilities:
Supervision of the production activities in the packaging area.
Ensure packaging quality.
Report equipment issues to the Packaging Supervisor.
Train employees in work methods and procedures.
Ensure all GMP policies are being followed.
Operate machines and equipment.
Maintain first aid/CPR certification.
Ensure inventory accuracy.

Other Duties and responsibilities:
Assist Packaging Supervisor with organizing and processing work orders.
Report personnel issues to Packaging Supervisor.
Cross train with other departments.
Assist supervisors and managers with the achievement of company goals.

Hours are: 7am - 5:30pm Monday - Thursday. Overtime may be required.

Please email or mail a cover letter, resume with salary history to:
Stash Tea Company
PO Box 910
Portland, OR 97207
attention: job posting

No phone calls, please.

*****

Dear Sir or Madam:

In regards to the Craigslist posting seeking a team leader, stop what you're doing right now and consider the following: I am an excellent team leader. It's true; I've led teams in the most dire of circumstances, traversing fields of potential mishaps with nary but my trusty rucksack and bayonet of excellent communication skills. I don't even have to read the requirements of the position for which I am applying, as the heading said it all: TEAM LEADER, a point on which I cannot stress how qualified I truly am. Have you ever been in the thick of battle, under the oppressive boot of a hostile takeover and forced to make sure every member of your office made it through to the next paycheck and beyond? Well I have. And I can tell you, it requires guts of steel - yet another characteristic I can boast with impugnity - and a railroad for a spine. You can't just back down when you have all of those people relying on your leadership; you must prevail, against all odds, when the bullets are ripping through space and the snap crack of corporate downsizing is stinging in your ears. Of course, I understand the necessity of moderation. I'm a very moderate man. Why, in the evenings when I take my glass of scotch I make sure never to drink so much that I will be unable to fulfill my husbandly duties; no, only enough to believe my aging wife's breasts are still beautiful - am I right, fellas?

Believe me, I put the Tea in TEAM. You won't be disappointed by the leadership I exude in spades. When the shit (pardon my French, please!) hits the fan, I'll be there, head first, diving into the muck and scum of the office underbelly, bringing every living soul under my watch through to the end.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Nate Balding, Team Leader