Friday, December 26, 2008

Limited X-Ray Tech/Medical Assistant (CMA)

Seeking an energetic, team orientated limited x-ray/MA for our busy, growing family practice. Full-time (35-40 hr/wk). Mon – Fri, plus some early evenings, and occasional half-day Sat. Clinic location: Beaverton.

• 1+ yr MA/X-Ray experience in busy family or internal medicine clinical setting.
• AS MA degree, certification preferred, or equivalent training and experience
• Limited X-Ray Certification required
• Basic phlebotomy and lab skills
• Computer literate, prior experience working with EMR software (i.e. Intergy) and other windows-based software.
• Able to accurately type 45 wpm.
• Stable work history, verifiable employment references
• CPR / First Aid Certification, preferred
• Competent and efficient with all aspect of MA clinical responsibilities
• Comfortable rooming 20 to 30 patients per day.
• Command of medical terminology and common medical abbreviations
• Strong written and verbal communication, grammar and spelling skills

• Collaborative, cooperative team player, w/professional maturity
• Able to manage patient flow to maximize providers efficiency
• Able to coordinate rooming of patients for more than one provider as a time, as needed.
• Sound judgment, good problem solving, quick learner, adaptable – thrives on change
• Takes responsibility for continuing professional development
• Positive, self-starter, who thrives on complementing provider and staff relationships
• Reliable, able of focus on details, process work accurately/timely with excellent follow through.
• Able to be relied on to work with limited supervision.

Full benefits packet - Medical, Dental, Rx, Life Ins, LTD, STD, AD&D, Spouse & Child life, 401k with employer match, PTO, CE Assist. EAP, Travel Assist, and more. Competitive pay.

Qualified candidates, please submit resume and cover letter, along with completed application from our website ( to: HR Dept, 6 Centerpointe Drive, Ste 200, Lake Oswego, OR 97035 or efax to 503 914-0335, or email to


Gentlemen and genteel women:

I understand you seek a competent X Ray technician with many skills that I do not possess. But fear not, for despite my medical illiteracy I have a unique ability that few if any humans past or present have acquired. I was involved in a horrific accident while working in the warehouse of a medical supplies firm and my body was bombarded by unrepentant x rays, destroying much of my body and turning me into the masked man you likely know as The Magnificent See Through Man! You see, my body now naturally emits low frequency x rays, giving me the power to see through walls and doors and making my body a terrifying, glowing skeleton, which is why I typically wear a very long lead-lined coat, dark hat and scarf when I patrol the streets of whichever city my adventuring has taken me to. I recall a rather embarrassing moment in London two years ago. A brisk wind, a park full of children... You can imagine the horrified screams of a mob of kids made to glimpse a monstrous, green-haloed skeleton. It was quite a mess!

Anyway, now I'm in Portland, basically unemployable and stuck here for the time being. Fighting crime just doesn't pay like it used to and there are hardly any super villains lurking in high rise buildings or sewer kingdoms here, so, basically, I'm asking if I can help you out. I'm basically an x ray machine, just, you know, living. If you've got anything for me, that's be appreciated.


(Name withheld for security purposes)

PS: This, eh, STD portion of the Medical Benefits Package? Is that what I think it is? If so, well, I'll tell you about it later. Let's just say I'm a little paranoid about going to the free clinic. So... There's that.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Mystery Shopper Needed

500.00Need extra INCOME! Become our [ MYSTERY SHOPPER]:Earn [ NO LESS THAN
$500.00 ] Per Venture:It is Very Easy and Very Simple:No Application
fees:What You need to do is to contact the email below
Enclose your:Name
Country of Residence:
Phone Number


Ssh, don't tell anyone, but...


I even have my own theme song, check it out:

Mystery Shopper dun dun dun dun dun dun dun Mystery Shopp-er dun dun dun dun dun dun dun If you've got a mystery, then I'm your shopper!

You can imagine my surprise to find that people are just advertising for mystery shoppers on Craigslist, I mean, what if you're someone just seeking to compromise the identities of mystery shoppers the city over? But something tells me I can trust you, some... hunch, deep in my gut. And like all great mystery shoppers, I know when to follow my hunches, yes I do!

Let me give you some of my credentials. Did you ever hear of the Mystery of the Tide Detergent? That was my case - solved it in under an hour, even. Probably one of my finest moments. I'm sure you know the details, even in our hush hush business that one got pretty famous pretty quickly! Then there was the Kellog's Breakfast Cereal Caper - you might not have heard of that one, but let's just say there's a certain mystery shopper with a lifetime supply of Raisin Bran and Yogurt Bites.

Well, enough about me, what about you? What mystery has you so desperate that you're seeking shoppers in the barrel-bottom location that is Craigslist? Something pretty awful I'd bet! Well look no further. Gentlemen, I give you: The Shopping Cart Clouseau, the Determined Detector of Detergents, Maaaster of Mystery and Produce Private Eye:

Nate Balding!!!!!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Part Time Office Worker

10-12 hours weekly. Experience preferred. Resume and cover letter with at least 3 references please.



I'm seeking a second job. Raising chickens for slaughter and making butter just isn't the moneymaker it used to be. And now that Obama bin Laden's been elected to the presidency of the United States I'm more convinced than ever that the future is one of instability and, ultimately, the utter destruction of first America and then mankind on whole. However, in the interim, before God rains flaming sulphuric boulders from the sky, I would like to be able to provide enough bread and rice for my family to survive into the apocalypse, at which point we will rise up to Heaven on golden sun rods and angel clouds. No doubt you will be among the masses hoarded into the great maw of the Beast, but that doesn't mean we can't work together, does it? In fact, you may even benefit from the piety that I will bring to your office and the daily Word of God 2008-09 calendar that will be forever present at my workspace. I could even convince my pastor to baptize the heathen office workers! He did a fine job turning our small community of God-fearing people into True Believing Christian Separatists. But in this economy, even our little clan is forced to pursue other means by which to support ourselves and our ambitions toward Eternity (what is your policy on concealed handguns?). Before my rebirth I worked in many offices and once even prevented one of those 'incidents' you used to read about in the mid nineties. In terms of references I can give three excellent ones: The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. All will speak volumes about my excellent office working skills. And if you're lucky, all will welcome you into the bosom of Christ Our Lord and raise you up past the glass bowl of sky to the Kingdom beyond the Veil!

Bless you,

Nate Balding

Monday, December 15, 2008

Great Experience, Great Money

Greetings -

College Pro is a nationwide company that specializes in hiring college students or recent graduates to learn management skills in a small business setting. Though many of our managers are OSU or UofO students, we accept applicants from any university or college in the region.

We are currently interviewing for our management team for 2009. Within the supportive and innovative College Pro environment, our student managers gain skills in everything from putting together a marketing plan to effectively hiring and managing employees. The job is challenging, with great pay, gives students a ton of real-world leadership experience, and looks great on a resume.

If you’d like to get some more information about the position, please send me an email with your current phone number, location, and a good time to call, and either me or the local General Manager will give you a call.

Best Wishes,

Jason Thompson
General Manager
College Pro, US Ltd.
Oregon Division

together, realizing potentials


Greetings! Or should I say, 'great'ings?

This great money thing sounds just great. Great experiences are really what I'm looking for in life. Want a great life? Fill it with great experiences, my great grandmother used to say. Truly, great work leads to great times and great money really makes a great time even greater. You know what's great? Grapes. It almost rhymes. Great grapes are the greatest thing you can grate between great teeth. It's like a tongue twister! I just invented a tongue twister. Beat that college managers! I am so great.

Down to the matter at hand, though: Well, no, not yet! Great things to come; I have a greatsword; Greatness is the price of awesome; Great great great great great!

Okay, now that that's out of my system, what kinda duckets we talking here slim?

Nate Balding

Friday, December 12, 2008

Employee Benefits Manager


We are looking for someone who can ensure that our benefits program helps us attract and retain the desired workforce. With the help of an assistant, this hands-on position will analyze benefits needs, make recommendations for change, and oversee benefits implementation & administration. Because we attempt to optimize our human resources, this position may at times get involved in non-benefits areas such as compensation or employee relations. Our company is entrepreneurial so the work environment tends to be flexible and non-bureaucratic. If you have a bachelor's degree and experience managing benefits, we are interested.

Excellent benefits package including medical, dental, vision, life insurance, PTO, and more, as well as competitive salary!


The dental business, eh?

Good, because, frankly, my teeth are in worse shape than a ten year old whose been left home alone while his family flies to France and has to outwit a couple of bumbling would-be burglars! Am I right? Yeah, I'm right...

And now that I've broken the ice, let's get down to business, shall we? You need someone to snap your worthless employees into shape through iron-handed benefit management. That person could - nay, should! - be me. I know how to treat all the little hands reaching into your pockets. You cut them the hell off until they stop grabby-grabbing like awful, greedy little thieves! You must leverage those benefits until you've got a workforce that fears your wrath! This is what I like to do: I pretend I'm the Ayatollah and the employees are bad Muslims. What do you do with bad Muslims when you're the religious leader of a puppet government? You stone them to death, one after the next, until every single remnant falls into line. Here's another idea that I think will really wow you: Illegal workforce. I know, I know. Unpopular right now, but hear me out. If you can bring in a workforce that expects nothing? Then you don't have to GIVE them anything! Not a single benefit! They're barely even people! You can just sit back, let your pockets fill up with hundred dollar bills and coast your way to Cozumel. Seriously.

This is the opportunity you've been looking for. And I'm here to orchestrate the systematic degradation of your employee benefit package. Allow me to become your Gestapo. Together we will crush spirits, destroy hope and build a magnificent dental empire!


Nate Balding

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Demonstrate Anti Aging Products and Technologies

DEMONSTRATORS to organize, set up anti-aging events. We are launching 3 anti-aging technologies and products, that start wiping away wrinkles and lines in 10 minutes,and all natural active ingredients. Products are money back guarantee.

FIRST Watch the newscast at then call or send resume for interview or details on the next Anti-aging briefing in the Portland area.


Good eeevening!

My name is Nate Balding. You've not likely heard of me, though in certain circles of the alchemical and pseudo scientific my name is synonymous with anti-aging technologies. You would have to delve deep, DEEP! into a dark world of cutthroats, madmen and black artistry to uncover what I already know, and yet these secrets can be yours for a paltry sum. Say, your soul? I know, I know, what use have ye men of tomorrow for souls? They may as well be given over to someone who, though not quite a man any longer, still has use for such outmoded currencies, don't you think? And after, the secrets of longevity, perhaps even immortality, can be woven into your very thoughts using my brain secretion apparatus! Yes, YOU can know the cosmos in all its foetid, creeping horror. Such is the very nature of our Dark Order - an Order to which you will be bound by blood and spirit, should you choose to accept my offer. I need only have you sign a contract at midnight on the night of the Solstice and you will then know everything about anti-aging processes that I currently have stored, like empty lodestones, in the farthest reaches of my meta mind!

I will also throw in a gift basket containing the latest anti-wrinkle creams and skin luxuriants.


Nate Balding & the Dark Master's Will

Friday, December 5, 2008

Moonstruck Chocolate Sales Associate and Shift Lead

Moonstruck Chocolate Cafe in Beaverton is looking for enthusiastic chocolate lovers to join the team!
We are looking for Full-Time and Part-Time Sales Associates for permanent positions. And a Part-Time Shift Lead.
You must be able to start immediately and have open availability to work through December.
Some of the criteria for these positions are a great attitude, team player, excellent customer service, leadership skills and integrity. Coffee knowledge and chocolate knowledge are a plus.
So if you love delighting customers and would like to work in a delicious environment please submit your resume.


Hello chocoriffic chocophiles!

Before I do anything else, I'd like to share with you this excellent selection of quotes from the film Moonstruck, which will prove my excellent candidacy for this position:

Mona: You have such a head for knowing!

Cosmo Castorini: Birds fly to the stars - I guess...

Cosmo Castorini: There are three kinds of pipe. There's aluminum, which is garbage. There's bronze, which is pretty good, unless something goes wrong. And something always goes wrong. Then, there's copper, which is the only pipe I use. It costs money. It costs money because it saves money.

Ronny Cammareri: I love you.
Loretta Castorini: [slaps him twice] Snap out of it!

Ronny Cammareri: Loretta, I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and *die*. The storybooks are *bullshit*. Now I want you to come upstairs with me and *get* in my bed!

Ronny Cammareri: Everything seems like nothing to me now, 'cause I want you in my bed. I don't care if I burn in hell. I don't care if you burn in hell. The past and the future is a joke to me now. I see that they're nothing. I see they ain't here. The only thing that's here is you - and me.

Rose Castorini: You... you got a love bite on your neck. He's coming back this morning, what's the matter with you? You're life's going down the toilet! Cover up that damn thing! Come on, put some make-up on it!

Ronny Cammareri: A bride without a head!
Loretta Castorini: A wolf without a foot!

Perry: Pardon me folks. That was just a very attractive mental patient.

Old Man: [uncomfortable silence at kitchen table] Someone, tell a joke...

As you can plainly see, from my selection of film quotes and the diverse characters from whence they come, I am, in fact, completely able to perform all of the functions necessary to being the perfect salesperson. I will use these quotes whenever necessary to invoke the power of la bella luna, thus creating a spiritual connection between myself and whomever I am selling to. Thusly under my thrall, I shall sell them more chocolate than they have ever had need for. Quickly I will be King of Chocolate Land, doer of great deeds and devout follower of the Moonstruck movie/chocolate store cult. I shall send off with this last quote that I think you will find quite humorous, in addition to being completely true:

Ronny Cammareri: I have a feeling this is going to be just delicious.

Thank you,

Nate Balding

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Collection Experience?? Manager Trainee at Finance Company!

Manager Trainee Position available at finance company!
We have TWO positions available - one near downtown Portland, and the other near Gladstone.

Customer Service & collections experience preferred.

We offer a great training program and will help you obtain the skills you need to advance with our company!

We offer excellent benefits, including: 100% paid employee medical insurance, profit-sharing & retirement trust, employee savings accounts (which pay 10%!!!) and performance-based contests & bonuses!

This is a FULL TIME position ~ Our business hours are 9am to 6pm Monday thru Friday

Speak, read & write English fluently
Pass credit screening (EXCELLENT credit required - NOTHING derogatory - we WILL check!!!)
Pass drug screen & criminal background check
HS diploma/GED
Valid Oregon drivers license
Punctual & reliable person with clear honesty record
Reliable transportation

Bi-lingual English & Spanish - fluent speak, read & write
1 yr customer service experience
Clerical experience
Collection experience
Cash Handling Experience

Fax resume to: 503-238-6453
Mail: PO Box 4248 Portland OR 97208
no phone calls please



Pass a credit check? YES! Pass a drug screen? PROBABLY! Pass a background check?

I am the man you need for this job, YES I AM! You need a collector, right? Someone to K some A around the city, make things hard for the dum-dum population? That's me, to a friggin' T! I've been doing that on my own for so long anyway that I might as well be getting paid for it! Ever 'appropriate' someone's car just because they probably couldn't pay for it anyway? Well, I have. I've 'repossessed' things alllll over the city. You wouldn't believe it. Maybe you would. I wouldn't believe it if I didn't know first hand. Oh, and I do.

Listen, though. Here's the deal: I don't EVER want to rise above management trainee. See, the boys around my block, we've always had this thing about authority, right? Nobody likes it. So, if I were to K enough A to end up becoming a manager? Well, you know the boys. I'd have to QUIT! Or suffer the indignation of daily verbal torture for who knows how long... I guess probably until I quit. So maybe that's the deal? I guess it must be. Anywayz, where was I?

Oh, yeah, K'ing all kinds of A. Man, I can K hella A, and I will K that A for your company for a real long time (no management, hey?). I will be the finest trainee who ever K'd A in your company. Those performance based contests and bonuses? You might as well sign those checks to me right now, because they're mine, you got it? Man, you're in a for a treat. Watching me do my thing, it's like a magic trick done by a lion who's on fire underwater on fucking Mars.


I'm that good.

So you know what you need to do. Now you just have to have the balls to do it. High five!

Nate Balding

PS: My honesty record is flawless. I have a photocopy on hand.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Restaurant Bookkeeper

Cactus Jacks Restauant needs part time bookeeper. Duties include; balancing the servers sales from night before to Z tape, making daily deposits, data entry into quickbooks and spread sheets, tabulating employee hours, and maintaining a clean organized office. Please have a friendly personality.

Start at $10 per hour, will move to $12 per hour in three months. Work Sat and Sun 8am - Noon and Fridays 10am - 2pm. Apply in person 11am - 3pm Monday thru Thursday ask for Jack.



So, we're talking front here, right? Because I can keep books. I can't give you my references (well, not without pleading the fifth, am I right?) but trust me, I can be trusted. Trusty McTrusterson, that's what they ought to call me. They don't - well, maybe, behind my back or something (you don't think people are talking behind my back and saying bad things about me do you? That would suuuck!) Where was I? Oh, yeah, bookkeeping. I am pretty great at keeping books. I remember things real well, unless I'm not supposed to remember *wink*. You can rest assured that whatever you're using your restaurant for, I'm not gonna make a stink about it - this guy is no rat fink yellow belly stool pigeon, for sure. Never have been, never will be. I don't even wanna know what the game is (gambling, isn't it? Cactus Jack, that's a gambling name if ever I heard one, but I haven't, got it?) I'll be on top of your finances, keeping those records where they're supposed to be, shifting when something needs to be shifted. That's what I do. That's who I am. So let's get down to business, shall we?


AKA Evan Konstantin