Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Response Alert!

I guess it seems totally reasonable to want to employ someone who has traveled along the astral plane and was raised by moon worshipping orgy enthusiasts, especially in a one on one fitness/nutrition regime... No, wait, it totally isn't.


Hey Nate,

You sound like a great fit. Are you free this Friday to meet?



Hey Brentasaurus!

Man am I glad you got back to me! I am, however, going to be out of town for the next week or so. It happens that one of my Kyrgyz friends is going through a shamanic pogrom and I need to head over there to help him and his family conjure a protection deity to aid in their escape, which should really only be a matter of days. After that, however, my calendar is wide open (discounting the rituals of the Lunar Fremen, but as these take place twice during the night they shouldn't interfere at all with any meeting).

A point of interest for anyone wishing to pursue the great traditions of the Kyrgyz shamans is their propensity for utilizing the semen of a regionalized yak populace in vegetarian cuisine, thus maximizing protein potential while maintaining a healthy balance of heavy roots and mash veggies. It's really a great way to reach a second grade up the Snackability Index for any salad or fruit cup.

Anyway, I look forward to meeting up on my return.

Thanks again!

Nate Balding

Monday, April 26, 2010

Fitness/Nutrition Counselor

We are looking for a Fitness/Nutrition counselor for a weight loss clinic in the Cherry Creek area to work Tuesday 2PM-7PM and Thursday 2PM-7PM. This would be a great opportunity for a trainer trying to build their clientele. We can put you in front of 20+ potential clients a day. Your main responsibility is to give our clients sound fitness and nutrition advice in private 1 on 1 meetings that would last 10-15 minutes. Please email me back your resume or cover letter to brentmesser@yahoo.com or just reply to this post.



I'm a fitness specialist and nutritionist seeking employment in a satisfying locale where I can practice the methodology that I've developed over the last ten years: Cosmotic Vector Healing. What CVH provides is a complete fitness regimen and additional nutrition hints with a spiritual edge that I find lacking in similar programs. Over the years I have helped many people - men, women, adults and children - find the inner self that they needed to truly actuate and become the paradigms of humanity that they now are.

But before I get into those many successes (and believe me, I can name drop with the best of them!), let me tell you a little about myself and how my upbringing informs my techniques. I was born on a commune in Northern California called Lumenia where my parents and the parents of others farmed organic fruits and vegetables, practiced a form of Thai Chi known as Wong Bak-Thai and, most importantly, gave themselves to the orgy worship of the Moon Goddess for whom the commune was named. As young as four years old I was skilled in the art of economy of motion, following the movements of my elders and learning to open the pathways of my chakras. This led to my early development of higher brain functions, letting me begin reading well above my level, solving complex spatial problems and understanding of advanced mathematics. Well, advanced for a child. I'll be the first to tell you that when it comes to numbers, the only ones that matter are 9, 21 and 616, am I right? Ha!

I experienced my first Turning of the Moonbeam at thirteen years old - the traditional age to learn the ways of an Elder woman's cyclical soul cleansing - and boy, what a wonder that was! I needn't explain to you how important that moment is to a young man, but it truly leaves me with nothing but the fondest memories of my childhood, save those when I was but a youngling suckling at one of my Manymothers' feed knobs. This memory is an important part of my Cosmotic Vector Healing, which takes into account the fullness of a human's knowledge and utilizes a workout that allows one to enjoin with their deepest memories in order to bring about the Truth inside. In this I regard CVH without peer and I'm sure you will as well, once you've been gifted a free of charge initiation rite!

In my twenties I sought new spiritual avenues and eventually discovered the beauty of the Grand Enticement, which propelled me to attempt various courageous feats and attainments. I've climbed Kilimanjaro and Everest, biked the steep switchbacks from Mongolia into Nepal and India, swam alongside Orca's in the San Juan Islands, bare knuckle fought a black bear and saw the magnificence of our Sol from the astral plane. In Becoming I uncovered the secrets of the CVH method and, having honed it as a teacher/student in the Congolese jungles studying shamanic traditions, I decided that the time had come to share the gifts that the Cosmos had granted me. After all, that's the true path of any prophet, is it not? It is. I would know, being one of them.

I am also a licensed nutritionist, though even in this the CVH method intertwines and I find that there are special needs to be attended for followers of the Great Destiny. For instance, Pythagoras was right about beans: they are crops that sprout only inner strife and must be avoided at great cost, with the exception of Salorian Red Beans, found only in the Chilean mountains and harvested using miniature pigs known locally as puerco del fuego. A diet high in potassium and niacin is important to true communion. It also helps to consume many beets on the fourth of every month while meditating on the position of Mars in relation to Earth and Mercury.

Surely, the case has been made that I am overly qualified for the position you are offering, but if what you've read hasn't whet your appetite well enough, also know this: I'm a stone fox with a superfluous six pack. Trust me, you won't find yourself or others disappointed.

Coolutations part bye bye,

Nate Balding

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Response Alert!

Well, MTV doesn't hate the idea of doing a show about racist lovers of varying ages.


Hi Nate,

Could you provide a contact # for you and pics of yourself and Lindsay? Is she interested in being on the show as well?


So what I need now are some pictures of attractive skinheads. Anyone know where I can get one of those? I mean, obviously, Google image, but if anyone happens to have some sweet Photoshop skills it would be funny to put my face on both people.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Are You a Sugar Baby? MTV Is Casting! (TRUE LIFE)

This is UNPAID.

Are you a sugar baby??? MTV's documentary show TRUE LIFE is casting!

A sugar baby is young female or male who is financially pampered and cared for by an older man (sugar daddy) or an older woman (sugar mama or cougar) in exchange for companionship and/or sexual favors. True Life wants to dig deeper into this growing trend and phenomenon!

If you appear to be between the ages of 16 and 25, please email sugarbaby@mtvn.com. You should include your name, location, phone number and a photo of yourself and your significant other(s). Please explain your situation in detail. The more you share, the more we can start to understand your story. For example: Describe your significant other, how you met, how long you've been in the relationship and what your living situation is. Do you normally go for way older men or women? Why? Explain what your financial benefits are to the relationship (cash, expensive presents, college tuition, access to credit cards, free rent, etc.). What do you give to your partner in return (companionship, intimacy, specific sexual favors, etc.)? Let us know who you feel gives/takes more in the relationship, or it is equally satisfying for both of you? Tell us what those closest to you think of your relationship. Do they approve, or do they call you a golddigger? Share with us where you think this relationship is going -- is it just for fun and thrills right now, or are you guys getting serious and perhaps heading towards marriage?

Note: please only submit if your sugar daddy/mama also wants to do the show! Also, your sugar daddy/mama MUST be supporting you financially in some way!


hey mtv!

wow, i would just be perfect for this. i'm 22 now, but have been living with my "sugar momma" since we met when i was eighteen years old. basically, we met - oh, my name's nate and i'm from denver, co, both of us, actually, her name is lindsay - i was in this punk rock band at the time called dick fidget, right? and i was playing shows and whatever and there was one show at the bar bar - we were underage, so, you know, that's where you play if you're underage - and we totally rocked it and afterward this woman, lindsay, came up and wanted to know if i was twenty one. and she was old or whatever, like thirty five at the time, but she was totes smokerz! she still is, too, just super maxi hot, like if sarah palin and beki bondage got smashed into one person and impregnated by giraffe sperm - dude, i know, right? HOT.

anyway, i said no and she said she'd pick me up some brew ha ha's if i wanted and, duh, yeah, i wanted, no shit, right? so we totally ended up boning in her taurus later. and that's how it started.

i didn't know she had money. especially, taurus? but lady can buy whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. i guess she had like a lot of money from her family, but she makes a lot of money as an executive for this bank - i can't say which one, she'd be pissed - but it keeps us both really, really happy.

i know that so far it sounds like it's just a sex thing. well it's not. we're very, very in love. she's really opened my eyes to a whole lot of things and made me realize that we are a people at war. did you know that there was and is a concerted effort by zionist militants to centralize the world's currency? lindsay taught me that. she has all kinds of books about it and everything.

our living situation is that i live with her in a pretty sizeable home on some acreage in the mountains a little ways up from denver. you know, a place where we can stick a few targets up and have ourselves a shootin barbecue with some of the local color. color, get it? there isn't any at our barbecues! ha! no but for real, we live together and she pays for me to go to this training center and i'm learning to weld - all different kinds of welding and hopefully some day i can underwater weld, it makes the most money - and i'm learning some things like gunsmithing, but that's whatever, not important. i get to do what i want and she pays for it. we usually talk things out, she has a very definite idea of where my future should be and i'm going for it! remember ruby ridge? no, really, though, she has a lot of good ideas and we have really come to a place in our lives where we trust each other enough and are open enough to criticize bad decisions and have a plan for our family.

we're very family oriented. one thing lindsay taught me - family's the most important thing. i'd run away when i was sixteen, but she taught me the value of having people who love you. and she taught me that love could from anywhere, not just blood. love can come from anyone who is imbued with the holy light of christ and from anyone who was carrying the bible's mission to conquer the unclean and wrest the american land from tyranny, be it government or jew or just not right with their lives. and we have a family, and its open and beautiful and there are everyone from babies up to great grandparents, all celebrating the same wonderful warmth of our shared belief in love and righteousness.

oh, you wanna know if i go for older women! well, i never did before, but i suppose i would, if for some reason we weren't together. it's been just amazing being with her and there really isn't anything that i wouldn't do for her or her for me. i mean, we're so far apart, age-wise, but really we're practically the same person spiritually. i really think that what we have is the most special kind of love and that we will be together until death, whether that's sooner or later, and on into the afterlife.

well, i think that about sums it all up. thanks for your time and everything and i hope you get back to us. we'd love to be on the show and to share some of what we have with the world out there. because it's like lindsay says - we start the fire, we spread the message. that's our way.

christ be with you,

nate balding

Friday, April 16, 2010




First of all, you don't need to yell. I'm right here, on the other side of the internet, probably closer geographically than you would be comfortable with if you were aware of my history with screamers.

You see, that's what we called them - the loud ones that would surround your house at night and harangue you, asking that you come out and allow yourself to be arrested; that you would be treated fairly and your family spared. Well, sir, I and my colleagues in opposition to the Russian occupation of our glorious South Ossetia did not. We waited with our rifles until the sun peeked over the horizon and took to laying flat with the light to our backs and commenced the slow slaughter of the filthy dog scum in the distance. And when even our beloved leaders were forced to turn on us, we fled to the corners of the Earth where our various trades were plied, often in the employ of nefarious gangsters operating drug and gun runs from their sleazy topless night clubs.

I soon tired of that life and, after assassinating a member of a particularly vengeful Sicilian coke family, I decided that the best possible thing was to make a new life in the land of dreams that I grew up hating: America.

Yes, even I, the son of a son of a laborer turned soldier in the war against capitalism and Nazis have come to realize that, truly, this is a place where a man can make himself anew; shape himself into the great fist of success that all men crave to be. And it is with this knowledge that I go forth into this new life and seek economic stability, no matter from how or where it must come. Given this and my almost unnatural predilection for maintaining the ecological order of the natural world (I was the one who built and required our squad to use the composting bathroom), I come to you with knees scraped by the harsh streets on which I beg for work.

Please, allow me the grand opportunity to clean your various parking lots! I am simply a man, endowed by the world with strengths others will never know, who seeks employment. You will find that your lots have never been cleaner! That the rats who infest your gutters will no longer congregate amongst the ocean of KIAs parked on your pavement! That the slow rape of this world by man and His greed shall slow to a snail's pace wherever you own property that I've cleaned!

This is the opportunity before you. Either take it and live eternally in my gratitude or do not and slice the head from my shoulders like so many Russian shit tongues (that translates badly into English, but trust me, it's awful) could not do.

Enclosed is my resume, detailing the information necessary for consideration.

Thank you,

Nate Balding

PS: Please disregard reference name Ivan "Kalashnikov" Gogol, as he was recently convicted of the drowning deaths of several Sudanese rebels and was subsequently murdered in prison. I know, I should remove it, but it's such a hassle and so few people check references anyway.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Unique Dental Assistant

Have you received compliments from both patients and team members as to how "gifted" you in a dental practice?

Do you enjoy making a difference and contributing to the successful growth of a practice?

Are you ready to make a change from the "average" practices!

Then perhaps this is just the right opportunity for you!!

Limited experience required, very very organized, wants to learn and be a team player,

Willing to train if your are willing to learn and looking for a career not just a job.

Part time to start will work in to full time position.

Please forward information. Thank you in advance


Hello Sir or Madam!

You want a unique dental assistant and I am, well, unique, to say the least. I'm a detail oriented, extremely competent individual with a vast history of looking at and evaluating teeth. And, while I've hardly had anyone actually tell me that that I'm gifted, I can say in no uncertain terms that I am, indeed, "gifted."

You see, I'm a Tooth Fairy.

Yes, yes, I know you've heard the tales - Tooth Fairies are knife-mouthed monsters dead set on rousing your sleeping children only to lure them into the void! And friends, that's just not true. Some Tooth Fairies have, yes, kidnapped children to harvest their tooth-souls, but that's hardly a widespread practice and largely banned in the greater Tooth Union, so I wouldn't worry about that. What I would worry about is the Grand Dental Panic of 2010!

I mean, Christ, the economy, man! Even us generally mythical creatures are forced to find employment to make ends meet. It's a terrible time, right now, to be a tooth fairy, and most people can't even afford the dental operations to save their mouths! You'd think I'd be swimming in it, but noooo, there's no claiming adult teeth, despite the prevalence of rotting uninsured gums across the world. My god man, do you know what kind of money I'd be making slash leaving if I were allowed to take adult teeth?! The very thought of it fills me with the kind of rage usually reserved for an act of arson against an ex girlfriend!

Sorry, sorry, I got carried away. It happens.

Look, I'm good at teeth. Like, four hundred sixty three years good. You want it removed? Done. You want it filled? Can do! You have a child in the chair breathing laughing gas? I'm taking all the upper set. They'll grow back! Stop worrying! Jesus!

You know what? Maybe I'll just go back to school. I don't really have to ever pay back those loans.

Thanks anyway,

Nate Balding