Massive Job Fail

Great Personalities Wanted

2010-07-26T16:09:00.004-06:00

Here, have another look into the darkness that is true life. It is worth noting that when I went to their website it asked you to send your email to the Outrageous People Development department.

*****

Smiling Moose Deli, a home-grown Colorado company, is currently looking for outgoing people to fill Full and Part Time Cashier, Cook, and Supervisor positions in our Louisville, Westminster, Denver, and Centennial locations. We will hire for personality and train for skill, so experience isn't necessary but a positive attititude is a must.

Please attach a resume if responding by email, or apply in person after 2pm. Applications are available for download at http://www.smilingmoosedeli.com/careers

*****

Hi!

I'm a real cut up looking for a job in Louisville and you sound like a great place to work! I've been in a technical field for a number of years and am working on transitioning to something more hands on and customer service oriented. Being an AV Tech is just about the loneliest darn thing you can do and by God I love me some people. I'm a long time deli enthusiast looking to make some sandwiches and scorch
some soups, all in the name of Best Lunch Ever. There's really nothing I've not been good at, so if you're looking to challenge someone to a contest of deli wills, I'm your man. We can up the ante and make it a bet, but I guess you're not located in Black Hawk so it might be a little off the ledger, so to speak. I have worked in kitchens before and run a full service shop inside the Children's Museum in Denver that was a high paced one man operation, so I'm aware of the level of work required. I'm also used to the stress of making things happen on the spot and solving problems using whatever is at hand while smiling and providing the highest possible customer care I can. I've attached my resume and would like to thank you for the time you've taken to peruse it and hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely

Nate Balding

PS Oh, and if you need the application filled out in addition to a resume let me know and I'll get that right to you.

*****

Retroactive thoughts on working for these monsters: Fuck you Smiling Moose. Doubly if you hire me.

God I hope they don't find this website.

Salad/Deli Prep Cook

2010-07-26T15:26:00.002-06:00

Well, I just broke down the wall between life and humor. And not on purpose. The following is a cover letter that I wrote with no comedic intention at all and then sent away following a litany of template-like cover letters to people that will probably not call me back. Enjoy.

*****

Need a Salad / Deli Prep Cook.

Candidate must have ...
Positive attitude
Team Demeanor
7 day a week availability
Strong work ethic
High energy
Integrity

In return we offer Vacation, Sick, Holiday pay, and Health Benefits.

Please Send Resume to ja.healy@sagedining.com

*****

Hiring Authority:

I am a longtime deli enthusiast looking to change careers and begin working in a place I can whole heartedly get behind. For a number of years I've worked in a technical position and I can no longer stomach the loneliness and get-together nerdery that accompanies it. (I can, of course, stomach delicious sandwiches). I want to be part of a team and have enjoyed the times when I did work in a kitchen - though a number of years ago and no longer present on my resume - and would love the opportunity to join yours and prep prep prep away! My availability is wide open, I can start tomorrow and I don't have any children or academic aspirations to hold me back from being the best employee I can possibly be. I think that hiring me would be a wise decision as I've been good at everything I've ever done. I hope you don't like disappointment, because it is no longer in your future.

Attached is my resume,

Nate Balding

*****

Somebody please give me a job. I am a wonderful employee and you won't be disappointed until the first time I come to work stinking of whiskey.

BYE!

Photographer

2010-06-21T18:14:00.003-06:00

Rockin’ Media is looking for an experienced photographer to work in the Denver Metro Area. This is NOT a portrait photography position. Qualified applicant must have hands-on, professional photography experience and be proficient in Adobe Photoshop. Videographer/Premiere Pro experience a plus. We are a pc shop, so you need pc experience – not just Mac..

This position is currently part time, but could grow quickly to full time. Must have flexible work schedule, be relatively “on-call”. You must have reliable transportation, a good driving record and valid Colorado Drivers license. Must have good people skills and deal well with ambiguity.

Compensation varies based on project and skill level. This is a W-2 employee and not a subcontractor position. You will have a thorough background check, and drug test. References will be checked.

Please send resume, income requirements, available start date and professional references to careers@rockin.tv. If any of the prior items are not included, you will not be considered for this position. Please no calls.

*****

Check this out!

My portfolio! Yeah, that's a picture. No, I didn't take it. So why am I showing it to you? Because this is the kind of iconic stuff that I do. Remember that image of the Simpson's doing the very same thing as the Beatles? I had that idea. Someone else got to it, sure, but I had the idea one time like forever ago. Oh, and how about that album cover I shot? Yeah son! That's how you photograph two hands and an ass! I mean, that's how I would do it if that was my work! But that band is totally from before I was even born, so how am I supposed to take that picture? Time travel? Sorry, bud, but that's fucking impossible. Maybe if you dropped less acid and spent about two or three seconds in REALITY you'd know that.

Whatever.

Okay, I'm getting off track. What I want to say is that I'm looking for a job as a photographer and I'm pretty damn good. If you Google my name you'll find, like, a bunch of great stuff that will basically totally blow your barely legal mind. It blows mine all the time! You remember when David Copperfield made the Statute of Liberty disappear? Like how much that blew your mind, multiply that by ten, then multiply it by ten again then add fifty and divide by six but then multiply by ten yet again and you'll be in the ballpark where I'm at bat pointing off into the stands in a way that implies I can, by will alone, define the trajectory of the ball that you're pitching that is also my photography skills. Let's look at another piece I did.

I know what you're thinking. Mona Lisa? Maaaan, that is so 1503. But that's why I'm so good, I psyche you out! Make you think you're getting a lesson in Renaissance masters and then out of nowhere, WHAM! You get the image that inspired the murder of Elizabeth Short, AKA the Black Dahlia, AKA the reason that I'm the guy that's gonna make the photographs for you because you don't know where I'm even coming from! I might be in the studio right now, hiding behind a copy machine, just waiting to pop out with a bad flash bulb and snap some shots of life as we know it that'll win us all Peabodies!

Yeah man. Peabodies. Maybe Nobels. Maybe even the Stanley Cup.

That's just me, man. You don't know what you're going to get. I'm the wild card, the pocket Ace, the burnt orange heresy and you're the conductor of this win train.

So what do you say? Are we in or are we out? Because I've got an appointment with fame, my man, and right now you're standing in front of the door.

See you in the spotlight,

Nate Balding

Internet Sales Position Available!! Too many leads!!

2010-06-07T21:35:00.002-06:00

Hello! This is a newly created internet sales position.
We are still looking for a few more superstars! Stop in Today! Positions are filling fast! We are also hiring for service technicians!
Do you want to start the new year with an opportunity to work for the best in automobile sales? Ed Bozarth Chevrolet is in need for sales people to fill immediate openings! We have positions available in both Denver stores. No experience? We will train you! We are dedicated to developing hard working individuals and are committed to your personal development and success! We have the BEST pay plans in the industry and great benefits you will absolutely enjoy! I took this opportunity 2 years ago and it has changed my life! Let's set up a time so we can get to know each other. We truly do promote from within and reward people that work to be successful. Millions of Dollars in inventory just waiting to be sold! I will personally give you the training and the tools to be successful. We have the best products on the market with a many new to be released this year!
Must have a clean driving record. Some sales experience would be great but not required. Please make sure to include or bring in your resume.

*Excellent Pay Plans
*Paid Time Off
*Company Demo vehicle!
*Medical/Dental
*Flexible Schedules
*Professional Training
*401K Plans
*Opportunity For Advancement
*Employee Discounts
*Pride
*Other Positions Are Available

Please, email your resume, stop in or call! Call me, Edward Sams, 3038582416-office. I will set up a time that works best for you to discuss this opportunity! Even if you work in the industry and just wondered what it would be like to work for the best, call! You can also email me at esams@edbozarth.com. Do not wait any longer to seize this opportunity! Stop in the store, 8351 Parkway Drive, Lone Tree, Co. 80124. Just 4 blocks west of Park Meadows Mall off county line road. Ed Bozarth Chevrolet wants you! Even if this ad is not for you, pass it on to someone and it can change their life too! Hiring for sales and service!!

Hiring Organization: Ed Bozarth Chevrolet, 3038582416-office, esams@edbozarth.com

*****

Too many leads? I make too many sales!!!

Listen friend, this is the opportunity of your lifetime! I am an outgoing (very!) guy who is committed to putting dollars in both your pockets and mine! I'm so damned committed the only way I can talk about my commitment level is to use as many exclamation points as possible! Hell, I don't even know what a period is!!!

Now, I wasn't born a Chevy man - no sir! I was born (and conceived!) in the back seat of a Pontiac Le Mans outside Niagara on a Honeymoon to end 'em all, chum, and I still have that car in my backyard set up on a quadrant of cinder blocks! Now my next car, it wasn't a Chevy either - no sir! I bought myself a shiny new (used!) Toyota Camry, which served me well for a real long time! But then - then I discovered the cherry baby that would make me into the French name speaking loyal Knight in the Service of Chevrolet that I am today! I bought a 1995 Chevy Impala, kicked the tires and named it Mary and I never looked back (except of course when using the rear view mirror!)! And from there on out, fella, I gotta tell ya' (I'm a poet and I don't even know it!) I was hooked - hooked! - on Chevy!

So you can rest assured that when I say, maaaan do I love a good Chevy to some unsuspecting customer and that sumbitch looks at me with his prying eye and asks himself, "Is this man certifiable or are these cars just the best thing he's ever encountered in his whole bedeviled life?" I can stare right back into the cold abyss of some joker's mid life crisis and utter the following sentence with the assured courage of a pack of lion's prepped to dismember a Christian: "My man, buying this car is going to turn your world into a pussy fucking funhouse!"

YEAH!!!

Can you feel it? I got the feeling! I got it in me real bad professor and I need to let it out! I need to sell! sell! sell! like I'm a gerbil in the world's biggest terrarium and the only thing that will send me that cocaine laced food pellet is if I move ten more units by the day's end and it's four thirty already and the sun is setting on the lot but by god I've got a job to do and if this is the way it all ends, well, hell, pal, let's have a dance with the devil and see if his knife really cuts that deep!!

So there you go, that's me in a nutshell - or should I say nut"sell," eh?!

Do YOU have what it TAKES to give ME the opportunity to MAKE US BOTH very, VERY rich?!

Balls in your court man, but I think I know you pretty well by now! I know that you've got the stones hangin' deep down those slacks and to the right and there ain't a man on your team who's gonna go the extra fifteen hundred miles to make this the premier Chevy dealer not only in the city; not only in the state; not only in the country; not only on this planet; no! We'll be the premier Chevy dealer in the ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE!!!

Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?!?!?!

YEAH!!!

Sincerely,

Nate Balding

PS: !!!!

Bet you 2 beers you'll like working for me better than your job now!!!

2010-06-02T21:40:00.002-06:00

35 hours a week of work 40 hours a week pay!

Hip company looking for some cool people. We have been in business for 3 years and are looking for some special talent to support our current growth. Ideal candidates are people who are ready to implement the idea of personal growth and self worth.

- Tons of opportunity for personal growth. (we only promote from within, 2 management position will be available in 2010 they could be yours!!!)
- We will pay for experience. (sky is the limit)
- Relaxed environment. (enjoy when you are at work)
- Great hours. (Recreation friendly)
- We are 420 friendly. (no testing ever)
- Not exactly a corporate environment. (casual attire)
- Ski passes in the winter! (powder clauses included)

The sky is the limit as far as income potential. Current offices include SLC UT, Boise ID, Denver CO, Sacramento CA and expansion planned for The Bay Area, Phoenix AZ and more to follow. There is no relocation required, we are combing all the offices for the next manager and are looking for people here in Denver!

We have two immediate openings. No sales experience necessary, but helpful. You must be able to work weekends and own a car.

These are serous positions that need to be filled immediately. Please leave us a phone number so that we can contact you. We will not respond to anyone with casual inquires!!!

*****

Hey-y-y-y, you just laid down the gauntlet, friend! For two beers I'll take that challenge! I'll take that challenge and a half! Or an eighth, if it's mushrooms, right?! *wink* *wink*

No but srsly, the job I have now is pretty choice. I got, like, tons of time to just hang around and beat off to internet porn and they never even check the cache or anything. I mean, I do it usually under my desk so if a customer shows up they don't see it - I'm not gonna do anything gross. And we keep a small fridge in the staff room that's pretty well stocked with brewdogs, so, you know, we get a little tipsy sometimes at work.

Oh, I haven't even told you where I work! It's at the corporate office for this nanny/caretaker placement firm. What we do is basically you call us and ask for someone to watch your tikes and then I go into our database and track down someone who has the qualifications and can work the hours that you need. So, basically, a bunch of chicks who wish they had kids but can't come in all day to ask me to place them with families who don't love each other enough to stay together. How about that shit, huh? Hotties hotties hotties, and all they wants to do is ride a dick!

Can you beat that? I know, I know, it's pretty hard. I've got at least one of those beers already, don't I!

Here's the kicker: These people that call us? Mostly rich folk. And they tell me - a total stranger - about their home and when they'll be gone. And I keep that information, bring it home, share it with some of the boys and, bammo, we got ourselves some easy bling! They don't even know its gone most of the time. Hell, we even thought about ransoming one of the kids sometime, but Donnie's got a problem being around kids, on account of he's one of those Megan's Law guys, but, whatever, it'd probs be a huge pain in the ass, huh?

Oh shit son, is that the fringe benefit that lands me the second beer? I think it is! What up naw!

No, but, for the reals, I'd like to get up to the mountains in the winter and working for you might make that really easy, so how about it? I've definitely got the drive and the experience to really help your company soar into the upper reaches of the Forbes 500 if that's how far you're willing to go.

Come on, man, let's make some mutha' futzin' Bennies!

Peace!

Nate Balding

Response Alert!

2010-04-27T15:39:00.003-06:00

I guess it seems totally reasonable to want to employ someone who has traveled along the astral plane and was raised by moon worshipping orgy enthusiasts, especially in a one on one fitness/nutrition regime... No, wait, it totally isn't.

*****

Hey Nate,

You sound like a great fit. Are you free this Friday to meet?

Brent

*****

Hey Brentasaurus!

Man am I glad you got back to me! I am, however, going to be out of town for the next week or so. It happens that one of my Kyrgyz friends is going through a shamanic pogrom and I need to head over there to help him and his family conjure a protection deity to aid in their escape, which should really only be a matter of days. After that, however, my calendar is wide open (discounting the rituals of the Lunar Fremen, but as these take place twice during the night they shouldn't interfere at all with any meeting).

A point of interest for anyone wishing to pursue the great traditions of the Kyrgyz shamans is their propensity for utilizing the semen of a regionalized yak populace in vegetarian cuisine, thus maximizing protein potential while maintaining a healthy balance of heavy roots and mash veggies. It's really a great way to reach a second grade up the Snackability Index for any salad or fruit cup.

Anyway, I look forward to meeting up on my return.

Thanks again!

Nate Balding

Fitness/Nutrition Counselor

2010-04-26T20:34:00.002-06:00

We are looking for a Fitness/Nutrition counselor for a weight loss clinic in the Cherry Creek area to work Tuesday 2PM-7PM and Thursday 2PM-7PM. This would be a great opportunity for a trainer trying to build their clientele. We can put you in front of 20+ potential clients a day. Your main responsibility is to give our clients sound fitness and nutrition advice in private 1 on 1 meetings that would last 10-15 minutes. Please email me back your resume or cover letter to brentmesser@yahoo.com or just reply to this post.

*****

Coolutations!

I'm a fitness specialist and nutritionist seeking employment in a satisfying locale where I can practice the methodology that I've developed over the last ten years: Cosmotic Vector Healing. What CVH provides is a complete fitness regimen and additional nutrition hints with a spiritual edge that I find lacking in similar programs. Over the years I have helped many people - men, women, adults and children - find the inner self that they needed to truly actuate and become the paradigms of humanity that they now are.

But before I get into those many successes (and believe me, I can name drop with the best of them!), let me tell you a little about myself and how my upbringing informs my techniques. I was born on a commune in Northern California called Lumenia where my parents and the parents of others farmed organic fruits and vegetables, practiced a form of Thai Chi known as Wong Bak-Thai and, most importantly, gave themselves to the orgy worship of the Moon Goddess for whom the commune was named. As young as four years old I was skilled in the art of economy of motion, following the movements of my elders and learning to open the pathways of my chakras. This led to my early development of higher brain functions, letting me begin reading well above my level, solving complex spatial problems and understanding of advanced mathematics. Well, advanced for a child. I'll be the first to tell you that when it comes to numbers, the only ones that matter are 9, 21 and 616, am I right? Ha!

I experienced my first Turning of the Moonbeam at thirteen years old - the traditional age to learn the ways of an Elder woman's cyclical soul cleansing - and boy, what a wonder that was! I needn't explain to you how important that moment is to a young man, but it truly leaves me with nothing but the fondest memories of my childhood, save those when I was but a youngling suckling at one of my Manymothers' feed knobs. This memory is an important part of my Cosmotic Vector Healing, which takes into account the fullness of a human's knowledge and utilizes a workout that allows one to enjoin with their deepest memories in order to bring about the Truth inside. In this I regard CVH without peer and I'm sure you will as well, once you've been gifted a free of charge initiation rite!

In my twenties I sought new spiritual avenues and eventually discovered the beauty of the Grand Enticement, which propelled me to attempt various courageous feats and attainments. I've climbed Kilimanjaro and Everest, biked the steep switchbacks from Mongolia into Nepal and India, swam alongside Orca's in the San Juan Islands, bare knuckle fought a black bear and saw the magnificence of our Sol from the astral plane. In Becoming I uncovered the secrets of the CVH method and, having honed it as a teacher/student in the Congolese jungles studying shamanic traditions, I decided that the time had come to share the gifts that the Cosmos had granted me. After all, that's the true path of any prophet, is it not? It is. I would know, being one of them.

I am also a licensed nutritionist, though even in this the CVH method intertwines and I find that there are special needs to be attended for followers of the Great Destiny. For instance, Pythagoras was right about beans: they are crops that sprout only inner strife and must be avoided at great cost, with the exception of Salorian Red Beans, found only in the Chilean mountains and harvested using miniature pigs known locally as puerco del fuego. A diet high in potassium and niacin is important to true communion. It also helps to consume many beets on the fourth of every month while meditating on the position of Mars in relation to Earth and Mercury.

Surely, the case has been made that I am overly qualified for the position you are offering, but if what you've read hasn't whet your appetite well enough, also know this: I'm a stone fox with a superfluous six pack. Trust me, you won't find yourself or others disappointed.

Coolutations part bye bye,

Nate Balding

Response Alert!

2010-04-20T12:21:00.002-06:00

Well, MTV doesn't hate the idea of doing a show about racist lovers of varying ages.

*****

Hi Nate,

Could you provide a contact # for you and pics of yourself and Lindsay? Is she interested in being on the show as well?

*****

So what I need now are some pictures of attractive skinheads. Anyone know where I can get one of those? I mean, obviously, Google image, but if anyone happens to have some sweet Photoshop skills it would be funny to put my face on both people.

Are You a Sugar Baby? MTV Is Casting! (TRUE LIFE)

2010-04-19T23:37:00.004-06:00

This is UNPAID.

Are you a sugar baby??? MTV's documentary show TRUE LIFE is casting!

A sugar baby is young female or male who is financially pampered and cared for by an older man (sugar daddy) or an older woman (sugar mama or cougar) in exchange for companionship and/or sexual favors. True Life wants to dig deeper into this growing trend and phenomenon!

If you appear to be between the ages of 16 and 25, please email sugarbaby@mtvn.com. You should include your name, location, phone number and a photo of yourself and your significant other(s). Please explain your situation in detail. The more you share, the more we can start to understand your story. For example: Describe your significant other, how you met, how long you've been in the relationship and what your living situation is. Do you normally go for way older men or women? Why? Explain what your financial benefits are to the relationship (cash, expensive presents, college tuition, access to credit cards, free rent, etc.). What do you give to your partner in return (companionship, intimacy, specific sexual favors, etc.)? Let us know who you feel gives/takes more in the relationship, or it is equally satisfying for both of you? Tell us what those closest to you think of your relationship. Do they approve, or do they call you a golddigger? Share with us where you think this relationship is going -- is it just for fun and thrills right now, or are you guys getting serious and perhaps heading towards marriage?

Note: please only submit if your sugar daddy/mama also wants to do the show! Also, your sugar daddy/mama MUST be supporting you financially in some way!

*****

hey mtv!

wow, i would just be perfect for this. i'm 22 now, but have been living with my "sugar momma" since we met when i was eighteen years old. basically, we met - oh, my name's nate and i'm from denver, co, both of us, actually, her name is lindsay - i was in this punk rock band at the time called dick fidget, right? and i was playing shows and whatever and there was one show at the bar bar - we were underage, so, you know, that's where you play if you're underage - and we totally rocked it and afterward this woman, lindsay, came up and wanted to know if i was twenty one. and she was old or whatever, like thirty five at the time, but she was totes smokerz! she still is, too, just super maxi hot, like if sarah palin and beki bondage got smashed into one person and impregnated by giraffe sperm - dude, i know, right? HOT.

anyway, i said no and she said she'd pick me up some brew ha ha's if i wanted and, duh, yeah, i wanted, no shit, right? so we totally ended up boning in her taurus later. and that's how it started.

i didn't know she had money. especially, taurus? but lady can buy whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. i guess she had like a lot of money from her family, but she makes a lot of money as an executive for this bank - i can't say which one, she'd be pissed - but it keeps us both really, really happy.

i know that so far it sounds like it's just a sex thing. well it's not. we're very, very in love. she's really opened my eyes to a whole lot of things and made me realize that we are a people at war. did you know that there was and is a concerted effort by zionist militants to centralize the world's currency? lindsay taught me that. she has all kinds of books about it and everything.

our living situation is that i live with her in a pretty sizeable home on some acreage in the mountains a little ways up from denver. you know, a place where we can stick a few targets up and have ourselves a shootin barbecue with some of the local color. color, get it? there isn't any at our barbecues! ha! no but for real, we live together and she pays for me to go to this training center and i'm learning to weld - all different kinds of welding and hopefully some day i can underwater weld, it makes the most money - and i'm learning some things like gunsmithing, but that's whatever, not important. i get to do what i want and she pays for it. we usually talk things out, she has a very definite idea of where my future should be and i'm going for it! remember ruby ridge? no, really, though, she has a lot of good ideas and we have really come to a place in our lives where we trust each other enough and are open enough to criticize bad decisions and have a plan for our family.

we're very family oriented. one thing lindsay taught me - family's the most important thing. i'd run away when i was sixteen, but she taught me the value of having people who love you. and she taught me that love could from anywhere, not just blood. love can come from anyone who is imbued with the holy light of christ and from anyone who was carrying the bible's mission to conquer the unclean and wrest the american land from tyranny, be it government or jew or just not right with their lives. and we have a family, and its open and beautiful and there are everyone from babies up to great grandparents, all celebrating the same wonderful warmth of our shared belief in love and righteousness.

oh, you wanna know if i go for older women! well, i never did before, but i suppose i would, if for some reason we weren't together. it's been just amazing being with her and there really isn't anything that i wouldn't do for her or her for me. i mean, we're so far apart, age-wise, but really we're practically the same person spiritually. i really think that what we have is the most special kind of love and that we will be together until death, whether that's sooner or later, and on into the afterlife.

well, i think that about sums it all up. thanks for your time and everything and i hope you get back to us. we'd love to be on the show and to share some of what we have with the world out there. because it's like lindsay says - we start the fire, we spread the message. that's our way.

christ be with you,

nate balding

PARKING LOT LITTER CONTROL

2010-04-16T15:18:00.003-06:00

LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT PERSON TO CLEAN PARKING LOTS AT SEVERAL LOCATIONS OF ALL TRASH AND DEBRIS. MUST HAVE OWN VEHICLE. 22-26 HOURS PER WEEK

*****

First of all, you don't need to yell. I'm right here, on the other side of the internet, probably closer geographically than you would be comfortable with if you were aware of my history with screamers.

You see, that's what we called them - the loud ones that would surround your house at night and harangue you, asking that you come out and allow yourself to be arrested; that you would be treated fairly and your family spared. Well, sir, I and my colleagues in opposition to the Russian occupation of our glorious South Ossetia did not. We waited with our rifles until the sun peeked over the horizon and took to laying flat with the light to our backs and commenced the slow slaughter of the filthy dog scum in the distance. And when even our beloved leaders were forced to turn on us, we fled to the corners of the Earth where our various trades were plied, often in the employ of nefarious gangsters operating drug and gun runs from their sleazy topless night clubs.

I soon tired of that life and, after assassinating a member of a particularly vengeful Sicilian coke family, I decided that the best possible thing was to make a new life in the land of dreams that I grew up hating: America.

Yes, even I, the son of a son of a laborer turned soldier in the war against capitalism and Nazis have come to realize that, truly, this is a place where a man can make himself anew; shape himself into the great fist of success that all men crave to be. And it is with this knowledge that I go forth into this new life and seek economic stability, no matter from how or where it must come. Given this and my almost unnatural predilection for maintaining the ecological order of the natural world (I was the one who built and required our squad to use the composting bathroom), I come to you with knees scraped by the harsh streets on which I beg for work.

Please, allow me the grand opportunity to clean your various parking lots! I am simply a man, endowed by the world with strengths others will never know, who seeks employment. You will find that your lots have never been cleaner! That the rats who infest your gutters will no longer congregate amongst the ocean of KIAs parked on your pavement! That the slow rape of this world by man and His greed shall slow to a snail's pace wherever you own property that I've cleaned!

This is the opportunity before you. Either take it and live eternally in my gratitude or do not and slice the head from my shoulders like so many Russian shit tongues (that translates badly into English, but trust me, it's awful) could not do.

Enclosed is my resume, detailing the information necessary for consideration.

Thank you,

Nate Balding

PS: Please disregard reference name Ivan "Kalashnikov" Gogol, as he was recently convicted of the drowning deaths of several Sudanese rebels and was subsequently murdered in prison. I know, I should remove it, but it's such a hassle and so few people check references anyway.

Unique Dental Assistant

2010-04-11T13:39:00.005-06:00

Have you received compliments from both patients and team members as to how "gifted" you in a dental practice?

Do you enjoy making a difference and contributing to the successful growth of a practice?

Are you ready to make a change from the "average" practices!

Then perhaps this is just the right opportunity for you!!

Limited experience required, very very organized, wants to learn and be a team player,

Willing to train if your are willing to learn and looking for a career not just a job.

Part time to start will work in to full time position.

Please forward information. Thank you in advance

*****

Hello Sir or Madam!

You want a unique dental assistant and I am, well, unique, to say the least. I'm a detail oriented, extremely competent individual with a vast history of looking at and evaluating teeth. And, while I've hardly had anyone actually tell me that that I'm gifted, I can say in no uncertain terms that I am, indeed, "gifted."

You see, I'm a Tooth Fairy.

Yes, yes, I know you've heard the tales - Tooth Fairies are knife-mouthed monsters dead set on rousing your sleeping children only to lure them into the void! And friends, that's just not true. Some Tooth Fairies have, yes, kidnapped children to harvest their tooth-souls, but that's hardly a widespread practice and largely banned in the greater Tooth Union, so I wouldn't worry about that. What I would worry about is the Grand Dental Panic of 2010!

I mean, Christ, the economy, man! Even us generally mythical creatures are forced to find employment to make ends meet. It's a terrible time, right now, to be a tooth fairy, and most people can't even afford the dental operations to save their mouths! You'd think I'd be swimming in it, but noooo, there's no claiming adult teeth, despite the prevalence of rotting uninsured gums across the world. My god man, do you know what kind of money I'd be making slash leaving if I were allowed to take adult teeth?! The very thought of it fills me with the kind of rage usually reserved for an act of arson against an ex girlfriend!

Sorry, sorry, I got carried away. It happens.

Look, I'm good at teeth. Like, four hundred sixty three years good. You want it removed? Done. You want it filled? Can do! You have a child in the chair breathing laughing gas? I'm taking all the upper set. They'll grow back! Stop worrying! Jesus!

You know what? Maybe I'll just go back to school. I don't really have to ever pay back those loans.

Thanks anyway,

Nate Balding

General Assistant

2010-02-27T14:44:00.002-07:00

10 ladies needed to render various works/operations. The exact job explainations are complicated; Daily Assistant looks over prespective employees expertise to match placement. Reliable transportation, a clean driving record, a background check, and drug screening may be required. Daily Assistant was established in Denver, Colorado in 2008. We look foward to hiring you. Thanks!

*****

Dear Daily Assistant Hiring Authority:

So you need ten ladies. What you now need, my friend, is a lawyer. I have looked into it, and this paid daily prostitution scam you have going is leaking like a clay sieve full of butt water. You expect to simply post in the general Craigslist advertising section and not get noticed? Come on. You may as well have made the subject line "Ladies of the Night Enquire Within!"

It took a simple search and running a couple backgrounds on current "employees" to figure out exactly what your game was. Now, I know that you know that we both know that the expertise you're looking for comes in two types - foreign and fecal - and I'd like you to know that I know how to get through the little loopholes that will let you establish both, often at the same time, with nary a care for the legal repercussions. What kind of Law Wizard must I be to have these powers you ask? Well, the kind that keeps the company of convicts and yet maintains the ears of several judges around town.

In point of fact, I am a rather well known (and well endowed, legally speaking) judiciary to the criminally inclined. And there are arrangements that can be made to ensure that businesses such as yours maintain an air of respect even among the officials who would otherwise see you bankrupted behind bars. I am the hand that grasps the hands that hold the gavels and the grime alike, and if you would care to take my other hand we can create a circuit of fortune that will enable us both to find new riches in strange spaces.

If you've ever thought, "Where am I going to get a Guatemalan banana milker who's willing to glass bottom boat my fourteen year old son" then you have found the man who will make that connection happen. I simply ask that you provide me with two things: Access to your stock of redheaded Arab migrants and a pitch meeting with executives at the Syfy Channel. I think the former speaks for itself and the latter, well, let's just say that I feel I've got something with my original script for Unidentified Flying Corn on the Cobject. It's about space aliens who bond with Wisconsin corn fields to take over the planet!!!

But I'm taking all your time, and I'm sure you have pokers to heat and heroin needles to fill. I hope you find your ten mystery ladies soon, and I hope that I'm the man who gets to supply them. Let's make a pretty thing into a gorgeous gutter fox who'll let you give her the yellow tuxedo twice a day and never ask questions.

Sincerely,

Nate Balding

PS: I think that asking specifically for ladies may violate the Craigslist equal opportunity rules.

WHY EXIT? WHY NOW?

2010-01-02T16:04:00.003-07:00

WHY EXIT? WHY NOW?

ARE YOU READY TO IMPROVE YOUR PERFORMANCE IN 2010?

DO YOU WANT TO EARN MORE MONEY WITHOUT WORKING MORE HOURS?

WOULD YOU LIKE ONGOING HELP, SUPPORT AND COACHING?

EVER WONDER HOW TOP PRODUCERS DO IT AND MAKE IT LOOK SO EASY?

Every once and a while a new idea comes along that can change everything. Working at EXIT Realty means realizing a financial future never before available in our industry. Say good bye to desk fees, living pay check to pay check and sacrificing personal or family time just to compete. EXIT is the place where real estate agents can actually build an exciting and profitable business and not just work in one. We'll show you how to build a more profitable business and ease into a more financially secure retirement.

EXIT Realty Denver Tech Center is a fast growing real estate brokerage designed just for you! At EXIT we want our agents to live better, that's what our systems are designed for.

EXIT is now the 6th largest real estate company in North America with more than 40,00 agents coast to coast.

We are currently seeking high energy agents seeking to take their real estate careers to the next level.

NO DESK FEES !!!

EARN MORE THAN 100%

10% RESIDUALS (Piece Of The Action)

7 % RETIREMENT BENEFITS ( Piece of Mind)

5% BENEFICIARY BENEFITS

HEALTH CARE & 401K PLANS

EXIT is committed to growth of our agents with the industries best trainers and hands on mentoring and coaching.

We also offer...

*
FREE BUSINESS CARDS
*
FREE WEEKLY TRAINING - 14 CLASSES EACH MONTH
*
FREE VIRTUAL TOURS OF YOUR LISTINGS
*
FREE PROPERTY BROCHURES
*
FREE COLOR COPIES
*
SIGN & LOCK BOX INSTALLATION
*
PERSONAL WEB SITES
*
CONTACT MANAGMENT SYSTEM

If you have been considering a change, now's the time!

Stop wondering "What If?"

PRIVATE OFFICES AVAILABLE!

Call Marc Today!

303.790.7200

Free Sign Package When Joining EXIT In January!

Why EXIT? Why Now?

Live The Lifestyle Of Your Dreams!

Not Licensed? Attend our January 20th class "A Career in Real Estate"

*****

Why EXIT? Why NOT!?

Boy howdy, you fellas sure do sound like the type of gents that I'd like to be one day. Making money hand over fist, putting in the work and getting it back ten fold, no longer under the vitality destroying thrall of the eternal question "What if?"! That's the world I want for myself I do! I'm especially interested in the free business cards and color copies - you never know when you're gonna need one or the other, and when you do, MAN do you need a LOT! Glad handing just isn't the same if those hands aren't full of interestingly designed card stock bearing the name of the glad hander.

So, here's the questions that I have for you:

1) How DO the top producers do it and make it look so easy? Can I learn? I bet I can, and I bet it's simple!
2) I'm in a bit of a pickle lately. What kind of uses might an empty house offer me, space wise? I'm running low (my basement is filling up pretty fast), and occasionally need a place to store "items" that are, to put it delicately, rotting.
3) Is EXIT the kind of company that offers me dental benefits? I feel like I need to change my mouth, just in case.
4) 6th largest Real Estate company in North America - does this mean that I'll be able to change locations quickly and easily? I move around fairly often and would like to know I have some job security.
5) What is the policy on criminal background? I've been to prison a few times (sexual assault, indecent exposure, child molestation - you know, the hits), but I'm definitely cured now. Even my shrink says that the wet dreams I keep having are a result of a lack of maternal affection and not the feverish kinks of a rapist/murderer.

And, finally, number 6: How badly can I screw someone over in this business before I get sued? From what I understand, you can pretty much ruin an entire family financially before becoming legally responsible for your actions as a realtor.

Please get back to me - I'm not sure how much time I have.

Thanks!

Nate Balding

Tradeshow Assistant

2009-12-29T21:16:00.000-07:00

Of note: NABE is the National Association for Bilingual Education.

*****

Looking for a Tradeshow Assistant to help manage and coordinate trade shows from start to finish. Need to have excellent communication skills and be very energetic. This will be for the NABE show located in Denver, CO Feb 3rd-6th 2010. If you are interested please e-mail us your resume along with a head shot photo.

Thank you so much for your interest,

*****

Shame there ain't a button I could press would start this letter off with the sigh that I'm sighing right about now. But geez Louise, things out there are tough on a cotton bustin' old Skipper like myself, landlocked and wondering where the good days off the coast of Alaska with a fleet of purse seiners hauling a few tons of fresh ass seafood a day, wind and sea whipping through my hair like it always did. But that's a young man's game.

Nate Balding's my name. Pleased to meet you.

2010 seems to be the year for change. Change of life, change of pace, change of direction. Forty years I sailed the Pacific, the Arctic and occasionally the Indian (when I wanted to stop into some third world country to test my mettle against whatever latest wonder they'd managed to turn a group of nubile sixteen year olds into - hot damn, but that my heart could still handle THAT rush!), scaling the waves as if mere hillocks of barest impedance as my ships tore across the ocean, taking what we would from her lush bosom, crawling as it was with fish and squid and beasts of the deep. They were good men who sailed with me. Even on the ill fated foray too far into Russian waters.

We were ten days out when the storm was upon us. We lost navigation and heaved too, letting the waters take us where they might, trying to fight through the high waves as they crashed beside us. Most of us made it through. God bless the souls of Dark Smitty (he was Black Irish) and Willie van Arem, dirty Dutch though he was. Weathered and worn, day broke nonetheless and we thanked Christ and our mothers that it had. Trouble was, we'd been up near waters laid just twenty miles out of Irkutsk and this was in the heyday of the Cold War. I don't have to tell you the trouble we'd run down when two Soviet boats were spotted just a ways off, heading our direction no doubt to take our skin and what remained of our lot.

Well, boyo, what do you think we did? God damn right we gave those dirty Pinko shitlickers a run for their money. We set to, full forward and cut the waves like banshee bitches on fire, we did. But it wasn't enough. They had bigger ships - real Navy ships, mind you - and they eventually overtook us. I and my crew spent a good three weeks locked up in our own feces, eating worthless Russkie bread and drinking dirty Russkie water. Until the day came and I watched one of the guard's head just burst, American bullets come zinging right through it.

That's right, son. I was God damn saved by the United States Special Forces. Never got my ships back, but I got new ships, and set out just as soon as I could, fishing up a damned storm.

What was I getting at...

Oh yes! I think you'll find my demeanor pleasant overall, though I refuse to accept any sort of hell from anyone ain't greater rank than myself, and that goes for you, too.

I'm also not fond of working with foreigners. Even the ones speak the language, don't do a good God damn if their accent sounds like someone scraped a cat over hellfire coals. What's this NABE stand for anyway?

That's my terms,

Nate Balding

Get To Work With The Colorado National Guard

2009-12-21T16:49:00.001-07:00

The Opportunity of a lifetime. Tired of searching for a job? The National Guard has over 150 jobs RIGHT NOW.

Are you missing your Military benefits? Would you like to be able to earn your retirement? Don’t give up your military benefits! Check out the National Guard

No Prior service in the Military is required!

Don’t wait we are running out of room fast!

Incentives include:

1. 100% Tuition assistance up to $4500.00 a year.

2. 7500.00 all the way up to 20,000.00 dollar re-enlistment bonus.

3. Base privileges (PX, commissary, mwr ECT.)

4. Tri-care if now available for all National Guard soldiers and their families.

5. Dental benefits

6. Retirement for 20 years of service

7. Make over $200.00 dollars for two days of work STARTING.

8. Active Guard Reserve jobs are available to any National Guard soldier.

9. Twenty Year retirement

10.Montgomery GI bill and Kicker will put you through College for FREE

11. Start Officer Candidate school with as little as 60 College Credits

12. Up to $50,000 dollar Student Loan Re-payment

SOUNDS TO GOOD TO BE TRUE? ITS NOT! THERE'S MANY MORE

Don’t give up your service time or the rank you’re achieved, Make it count for you. This is a excellent part time job that you can count on during hard times to never lay your off. With as little as 10% of American companies offering a retirement plan you cannot afford to miss this opportunity!

FELONYS ARE NOT ACCEPTED

MORE THAN ONE MISDEMINORS NOT ACCEPTED

NON-PRIOR SERVICE AGE LIMITED TO 42

PRIOR SERVICE WILL USE TIME SERVED AGAINST THEIR AGE

17-42 years old.

US passport, Green Card, permanent resident and/or born in the US

Call me or E-mail me back.

SSG Jake Kuzma

Cell (303)827-9929
Office 720-250-2581
Jacob.Kuzma@gmail.com or
jacob.kuzma@us.army.mil

If you cannot reach me for any reason please call

SFC Erik Cruz
Office 719-232-5159
erik.L.cruz@us.army.mil

National Guard Recruiter

*****

Sir yes Sir!

I've always wanted all the benefits of military service without any of the actual work or war! Man, what a sweet ass deal you National Guardsmen (are they all men? Is it Guardsmen/women? Or Guards/wo/men?) have! Dental, man. Fucking dental! You know when I last had dental insurance? In the motha' fuckin' joint! Don't worry, it was just a misdemeanor. I guess the misdeminors you were referring to are slightly worse than that?

Anyway, just a DUI. I mean, who doesn't have one of those, right? Especially in the National Guard. The Joint Chief of that branch has totally got to be the fattest, drunkest guy on the Staff, right? You're like the couch potatoes of the American military! Dude, don't get me wrong, that's fucking awesome. Do some drills, get your pay, hit the college (where the chicks are either dumb or roofied, am I right?!), then head off to my parents' basement to dust some n00bs in Modern Warfare 2.

Fucking. Killer.

So, what exactly IS the deal with the Nash G's? Like, is there basic training and shit? Because I got a Presidential Fitness medal in sixth grade, so I figure I can probz skip that joint. Seems like a motherfucker of a hassle, too. Some dude yelling at you with an accent so weird you can barely make out what he's saying, telling you to drop and give him twenty and stand with absolutely correct posture. Sounds like some Arab Sheik who just bought a harem of fourteen year old Estonian girls who thought they were heading off to live the American dream and somehow ended up sucking a sand-jockey's dirty dong.

And srsly, bro, fuck that noise hard with a sharp stick.

Anyway, let me know if you're still hiring, because I think I would be great at not being in the army but totally getting the benefits.

Czech ya' later, "Sarge"!

-Nate Balding

Yet Another Response?

2009-12-16T13:04:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure if the recent successes means that I'm getting better or worse at concocting fake cover letters. In any case, here's response number two for two, this time for the apartment maintenance technician.

*****

Nate,

What an entertaining email! If you are serious about a position with MAXX, please submit a resume or contact information and I will call you to discuss the position and your qualifications.

Ronda

*****

So, I guess the lesson being learned here is that if you want a job, just write crazy made up shit and, if your potential employer laughs at it, they'll want to hire you.

So no more serious cover letters, people. It only gets in the way of your future.

Hi-rise Apartment Maintenance Tech

2009-12-14T17:24:00.001-07:00

Experienced Apartment Maintenance Tech

MAXX Properties
300 East Seventeenth Apartments
300 E 17th Ave
Denver, 80203

Must have at least 3 years of apartment maintenance experience, high rise preferred. Experience in boilers, heat pumps, basic elevator knowledge and fan motor maintenance are required. Work orders, make readys and great customer service experience.

Competitive pay plus medical and dental benefits, paid time-off, 401(k) and other benefits offered.

*****

Lemme guess, you're operating with one of those EV2600 models of elevator and the drive shaft on the portal entrance side is tacking up and making a grinding noise every time it lifts a story? Yeah, thought so.

The name's Balding, and apartment maintenance is my business. And not just apartments, no sir! Pretty much anything that swings, sinks, drinks or stinks, I'm the man for the job. Yeah, I've seen my fair share of the ups and downs in the maintenance biz - once saw a boiler set well past the thermometer's endemic safety module go all hot water balloon and burst up, taking a buddy of mine with it. God damn it, El Puerco, you'll be missed. Many are the times that these old eyes feel the salty caress of a teary sheen. I still remember to light the candle in the old church for his mother every April 3rd and to roast the carnitas until they're that perfect combination of sweet and tender before feeding them to Puerco's orphaned Golden Retriever, Ken.

But enough of that - you and I both know that getting into this business is a hell not worth going through if you don't have to, and that those who have The Touch can't help themselves a god damned bit once they've absorbed the ebullient perfume of rigging a simple PX38 model heating pump to a wide-nozzle S-ST200 with a bit of wire and some duct tape, rotating the bosom gear a tenth of a degree and spinning the plate back from hot to cold and turning that ventilation system into a well oiled machines ready to heat the whole damn building off a few dollars a day. Nope, once you've hit that spot, you're down for the count my friend. But you'd know that, you're the man with the ad.

So what say you and me start a beautiful relationship? There's a lot more in this world to see and do, and a lot more apartment buildings to spit polish into a shit pile that just fucking works, even though a lot o' the time it don't look like much. Let's his the sunset at an open stride, tearing into those walls and gutting those pipes like they were a spread of Trout freshly pulled from an Alaskan stream.

I don't think you'll find a better man for the job - not even zombie El Puerco.

Sincerely,

Nate Balding

At Last, I Am Taken Srsly!

2009-12-12T14:27:00.001-07:00

After my last post, I received a personalized message regarding the humor of my cover letter and asking that I not jump to conclusions about business practices while angry. And now you can read that response for yourself!

*****

Nate:
You found your man. If this job opening was for a writer, you would be hired. But its not. As an employee, you can either pick a full time position or a part time position not both at the same time (its one position available).
If you like to get more information about this company, please feel free to visit www.prmdcolorado.com. Also, our job is to HELP, not to cheat individuals. So before you begin to judge anyone, please put your anger aside and educate yourself.
My responsibility is to offer a position to any individual who is in need. So my friend, please do not waste your time reading craigslist ads, because you sound like you are too perfect for any job.

Regards
Your new friend Frankie

*****

Thanks Frankie. And he's right. I AM too perfect for any job. But that will not deter me! My will is strong! I feel the surging tide of my ancestral blood within me; the scent of blood and battle snaking through my limbs! I will be stalwart in my search, and the truth which lies behind the reality of my overt awesomeness will result in the discovery of a perfect job that is just for me!

Excelsiooooorrrrr!!!!

Part Time & Full Time Position $$$$

2009-12-11T15:51:00.000-07:00

GREATE OPORTUNITY. As the economy gets weaker the need for our services gets stronger $$$ Become a Debt Settlement Specialist and make money by helping people.
We are currently seeking motivated individuals for our new office. We provide all neccessary tools, friendly, comfortable work environment with competitive wages and commissions.
United Capital Partners is "AAA" rated and well-respected organization that provides a no hassle consultation.

Hours of operation, M-Th 11-8, Fri 10-4

Requirements
– Experience in the same field is a plus but not necessary
– Great closing skills (outbound calls)
– A “refuse to lose” attitude
– Must be dynamic, driven and self motivated
– Bilingual (Spanish or any other) a plus

How to apply:
After reviewing our website, you can either
– Apply in person (no need for an appointment) Mon-Thurs 1:00-8:00, Fri 10-4 (see address below)
– Email to: job@rockymountaindebtset.com
– Send resume to:
Rocky Mountain Debt Set, LLC
(Please Reduce My Debt)
8791 Wolff Court
Suite 140
Westminster, CO 80031

If you have any questions, please call 720-542-1111.

*****

Dear consummate professional:

I'm not going to lie. What initially attracted me to the post offering a job were the four dollar signs. As an avid reader of local restaurant reviews, I recognize this to indicate that the job being referred has an average price of fairly expensive. Also, the position offered being BOTH full AND part time without being pluralized? The thought that immediately raced through my head was, "This I've got to see."

You can imagine my surprise when I clicked the link and discovered that you were offering GREATE OPORTUNITY. All caps. You know what all caps means? Fucking business, that's what. No idea what this greate oportunity is (I'm hoping the result of an experiment to mate infant howler monkeys with Indonesian soccer ball weavers, also infants), and I'm literally dying (from cancer) to find out.

And find out I will, because I'm about to Sham Wow you with all the correct references to indicate that I am the perfect man for this vaguely defined job!

Point number one: You are AAA rated. I haven't missed an episode of Galavision's AAA Lucha Libre in five years. 'Nuff said.

Point numero dos: Spanish! You see it! Right there, I said number two in another language! That, however, is the extent of my Spanish.

Point number three: Experience in the field. Shockingly, I have been in debt many times, to many people, and have rarely paid those debts off, choosing instead to fall into the hands of a collection service, who invariably are unable to squeeze the money from me, as I own nothing and they cannot garnish my unemployment checks. As an artful credit dodger, I can safely say that I have enough experience in the field to justify my inclusion among your super stars of debt settlement specializing.

Point number four: I am extremely delusional. You want a refuse to lose attitude? I have never lost! And in situations where loss seems likely, I trick myself into believing that that was the outcome I was seeking, thus continuing to win! The rusted iron bear trap that I call a mind is capable of feats that even the grandeur-est of homeless kings would marvel at! IF I CANNOT LOSE THEN NOBODY CAN WIN! DON'T YOU SEE?!

And, finally, we come to point number five: Closing skills. Well, Sirs and Madams, simply see below.

If you are unconvinced at this juncture, then you are a madman. However, if all has gone as planned and you are on your feet, waving this letter in the air and enjoining your colleagues in the loud recitation of my qualifications to fist waving hoots and shouts of "Here, here! There is among us a King!", (and, I am assured to myself, this IS the case), then gather your staff and build to me a small shrine, heaped with the offerings of lamb and fruit, crispy bacon and the fleshy head of Harry Knowles recently severed, and I shall come to you atop my golden chariot, driving before me a fleet of jade golems carved into images of the children from the television show Degrassi Jr High, and a new day of debt settlement specializing will be upon the Earth, and everywhere the poor will quake in their torn boots and beg for a mercy that we have no intention of showing!

TOGETHER WE CAN BRING THIS PLANET TO ITS KNEES!

Happy Holidayzzz,

Nate Balding

Part Time Bridal Stylist {Guest Post}

2009-12-09T21:35:00.000-07:00

So my friend Colin let me have a bit of fun at another's expense as a guest poster over at Epic Date Fail dot Blogspot dot Com, and I'm returning the favor. Below is his hilarious contribution to my page. I'm pretty sure he accidentally got some random woman fired.

*****

About Anna Bé
Anna Bé is a hip, chic store for the modern bride. Repeatedly voted Top of the Town by 5280 magazine, Anna Bé is a delightful and professional environment, with an emphasis on top-flight service and gorgeous gowns.

Who We Are Looking For
We are looking for highly motivated individuals to add to our team as part-time stylists. Stylists work directly with brides beginning with finding the perfect gown all the way up to the wedding day! Stylists are responsible for ensuring that the Anna Bé experience is always fun and never stressful.

Job Requirements
- Must have a positive, warm, outgoing personality
- Must have previous retail/sales experience
- Must have basic PC skills
- Must be able to work evenings and weekends
- Experience in the fashion/luxury industry is a plus
- Creativity is a plus

Job Duties
- Assisting brides with selection of gown, maids dresses, and accessories
- Answering telephones
- Setting and confirming appointments
- Following up with existing and potential clients
- Receiving and repacking merchandise
- Ongoing training to ensure strong product knowledge
- Merchandising and maintenance of store appearance
- Assisting with general store needs

Hours and Compensation
We are an Equal Employment Opportunity Employer and welcome job applications from all qualified individuals without regard to their race, color, religion, national origin or sex.

We are looking for part-time help to begin immediately. This position will be a part-time (20-35 hours per week) position with the opportunity for growth. Salary and compensation is based on experience.

Weekends and evenings are required.

*****

Hello there! I am interested in a position at your company. You will discover I am more than qualified to be a part of your sales team – in fact, I probably know your product better than some of your current employees(especially Chrystal)!

For the last year I have been visiting your fine store and trying on your many beautiful dresses. A girl can never be too prepared when it comes to planning her big day, even if I still haven’t found “Mr. Right” (or even “Mr. Right Now” lol) yet. I’ve always appreciated your store because, with the exception of Chrystal, the staff has always been really nice to me and you carry a lot of dresses in size eleven, though I swear once my tendonitis goes away I’ll hit the gym again and get it down to a nine or so. I have all these gym memberships that I still haven’t used, and some of the guys there are really cute!

I also have loads of retail experience. I was assistant manager at Petsmart (that’s where I got my kitties Precious and Scorpio. Precious is adorable, and Scorpio’s the tough, scrappy one. Just yesterday I was telling him not to make behind the couch and he was all “Uh uh, no you didn’t! Talk to the paw!” lol.) I’ll definitely be a lot nicer to the customers than Chrystal. I have an Amiele Watson dress hanging in my closet because of her… she essentially told me one day that if I wasn’t going to buy something I should get out. I would never be so rude to a potential customer. I know that a girl’s wedding is the most important day of her life, the day she gets to be elegant and everyone is paying attention to her and her stupid ex-boyfriend from college sees how beautiful she looks and wishes he didn’t cheat on her with that skinny little volleyball bitch in his communications class. The day that everyone says, “wow, look at her, she’s really made something of herself! I feel like a real pill for never once talking to her even though we’ve been sitting at the same workstation together for THREE YEARS!”

I am also a people person, unlike some “I’m so much better than you because I’m a size two and my fiancé is a chef” people we both know (give up…? It’s Chrystal again!). Just ask Precious and Scorpio… I talk with them for hours, and I think I’ve even learned how to communicate with them through meows… so there’s your communication skills right there! At least Precious seems to understand, but Scorpio’s a little too sassy to talk with me.

So, in conclusion, I feel that I am more than qualified to work for your wonderful store. Actually, your ad came at a really good time for me! This morning I was checking the wedding announcements in the paper and I saw that this really gross unpopular high school classmate was getting married to the guy I had a crush on in my gym class. He was the only one who didn’t laugh and call me “Whale-Tail Gail” when we did stretches before class. Anyways, reading that put me in an eating cycle, though seeing your ad put a stop to that! It’s just like the calendar on my workstation says: The Chinese word for “crisis” is the same as “opportunity”. I wonder what the word for “me no want more chop-suey!” is, lol.

Anyways, I am really looking forward to working with you. I’d type more but I need to put on some make-up before the pizza guy gets here. I hope they send the cute one again. I like it when he comes, but I like watching him go even more (btw I’m talking about his tush, lol)!

Golf Tournament Sponsorship Sales

2009-12-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

Charitable Golf Events, Inc. is a Colorado based company that creates, hosts and manages destination golf events that are held in Hawaii and elsewhere. Each tournament is hosted by a local celebrity and offers participants the opportunity to support a local non-profit thru their sponsorship of these events. We are currently seeking an experienced outside salesperson to sell "Corporate Sponsorships" to these incredible events. Commission only position + an opportunity to attend multiple destination events each year. Candidates should offer the following skills:
* Experienced in Business to Business Sales
* Basic computer skills
* Home office with computer and telephone
* Be able to work independently
* Excellent phone skills
* Love of golf and travel is helpful
* Accustomed to a high income level thru sales (six figure +)

If you meet ALL of the above listed qualifications, please respond with resume to this email or via fax at: 303-973-7498.

*****

Dear Sir or Madam:

What I find most abhorrent about what you're doing is the utter disregard for the Scottish roots of golf. You designate these weak courses, inconsistent with the highlands of my home country, and expect me to refer to these players as 'professional.' Professional pansies, perhaps! They're not even wearing kilts! My god man, what has the world come to when grown men refuse to kilt up for the golf course?! It's a travesty, at best, and a nightmarish apocalypse at second best.

But it doesn't have to be. Gentlemen and gentlelasses, an opportunity to fulfill a destiny has been thrust upon you. Hiring myself, and my two cousins Connor and Duncan MacLeod, both of the illustrious clan MacLeod and highlanders themselves, will allow you to become the spearhead that revolutionizes the sport and brings it back to its roots, where it belongs. We three are experienced in many things, the art of the sale only one among them. In developing a sponsorship pool that prides itself on heritage and a love of the Scottish sport we can turn the tide against mundane Saturday golf 'tournaments' and insitute a policy that leaves a true hero of the green to stand atop his fallen foes shouting to the lightning sky 'There can be only one!'

Consider: A duel between tied participants to the death, with the head being removed from the loser. It's just a suggestion.

My cousins and I are well travelled and enjoy the extravagance of a lifestyle with a high income. Connor is, in fact, a collector of rare items and Duncan has amassed quite a large number of great white shark skulls, all killed with a short blade while swimming off the coast of Florida and personally skinned, bleached and polished. Trust me, it's remarkable. Between us there isn't a problem in existence that can't be overcome, be it clearing the roadblocks of sponsorship to a new future, solving a string of local murders or battling a Kurgan to a final defeat at the end of The Game. Believe me when I say that yours is a destiny that desires fulfillment - golf has too long stagnated in mediocrity while its proud history sits behind a dark veil, wallowing, the Scottish heroes of golf yesteryore forgotten.

Let us resolve this. Let us enjoin a shared historical love and restore the game of golf to its true potential. And only then will we truly understand The Prize we've been given.

DO NOT LET THIS OPPORTUNITY PASS!

Sincerely,

Nate Balding

Front Office/Front Desk Assistant

2009-12-06T15:45:00.000-07:00

5280 Gymnastics (www.5280gymnastics.com) is a world class gymnastics facility in Wheat Ridge, CO offering gymnastics programs for girls and boys of every age and ability.

5280 Gymnastics is looking for a PART TIME Front Office/Front Desk Assistant. The ideal candidate is outgoing and enthusiastic, highly organized, reliable, and able to assist customers in a busy and fast paced environment.

Hours are
• Monday-Friday (2pm-6pm)
• Saturday (8:30am- 12 Noon)

Preferred Applicants
• Office administration experience
• Excellent organization and multi-tasking skills
• Exceptional attention to detail
• Well spoken, self-motivated and a “can do” attitude
• Strong customer service skills: ability to deal with customer concerns in a calm and effective manner
• Strong (intermediate to advanced) computer skills
1. MS Word
2. Excel
3. Outlook

Job Responsibilities Include
• Answering phone, returning phone calls in a timely manner
• Returning email inquiries in a timely manner
• Maintaining computer based class registration and scheduling software
• Filing and data entry
• Updating and monitoring accounts receivables
• Office organization and cleanliness
• Supply/product ordering

Send resumes and hourly requirements to: Laura@fullcirclesystems.com

Thank you to all candidates...while I am unable to respond to all submittals, I will be reaching out to candidates that fit the profile.

*****

Saaal-uuu-taaations!

A little enthusiasm sure goes a long way, right? Right!

So I'm sure you're sitting there in your ergonomic chair, reading letter after letter from possible candidates, just wishing that you could find someone who's not only capable of performing this job to the fullest but also gets a big 'ol boner for gymnastics (figuratively, of course!). Well guess what, honey - you found him. I can't even see a pommel horse without the memories of my youth gushing forth; my days as a world class athlete with Olympic dreams and a 9.5 parallel bars routine that would have crushed the Russian competitor's dreams. If only...

As I was saying, I've worked in an office environment as a personal assistant for ten years, answering phones, building customer databases, filing and organizing; and I've been happy, you know? I've been happy. But there it is, always, in the back of my head. Once upon a teenaged aeon, when I was a gymnast, with ambition, and knew what happiness truly was. Sure, sure, filing taxes for a business and managing to pull a refund is a brilliant operation, of which I can be immensely proud, but nothing quite compares to the thrill of springboarding into an aerial somersault with a full rotation and sticking the landing, knowing that your body is a machine prepared to explode with pure physical efficiency, slamming through the percieved limits of human exertion itself. No, there's nothing quite like that on the planet.

Was it my fault? I know, the therapists will all tell you that it's not your fault. But I knew she was drunk. I let her drive anyway. God damn this chair, and God damn me for being so damn dumb!

Sorry, sorry, it gets to me, you know? Sure, sure you know. You're probably a former gymnast yourself, succumbed to age and weary limbs, no longer able to flutter through the air, flipping and twirling at your whim, amazed onlookers wishing - wishing! - they could do what you do. No, ours is a heaping platter of reality drenched in shit, isn't it. We sit on the sidelines now, cold comfort in our remembered fantasies of standing up, listening to my national anthem and wearing gold.

But instead we power through, don't we? We collate and staple through the day, roll back to our empty apartment and eat another pork and beans dinner and drink ourselves to sleep. Because that's what's important, right? Just making it through. Making it through the day.

You know what? Disregard this message. I've got a date with a bathtub and a toaster oven.

Sincerely,

Nate Balding

Response - Home Biz/Cash Cow

2009-02-27T12:06:00.000-07:00

Funny, he seems to have read the letter and enjoyed the story of my exploits as a Nazi hunter. Be warned, however. The all caps style kind of hurts your eyes.

*****

HEY GREAT HEARING FROM YOU-- SURE SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE SOME
REAL TALENTS. MUST HAVE GIVEN YOU SOME EXCITEMENT AND A REAL
PURPOSE. NATE, I CAN RELATE TO YOUR FINANCIAL NEEDS AT THIS TIME
IN YOUR LIFE-- I NEEDED SOME CHANGES ALSO. AT THIS TIME I AM
PROMOTING TWO BUSINESES FROM HOME--- WHY TWO? THE MONEY
AND THE ONE YOU RESPONDED TO WILL GROW INTO A GREAT MONTHLY
INCOME IN A SHORT TIME-- ON ONLY $10/ mo YES ITS LEGAL-- YOU
WILL WANT TO LOOK IT OVER, AND UNDERSTAND IT MAY NOT LOOK
LIKE MUCH AT FIRST BUT IT HAS ALOT TO OFFER. MY OTHER BUSINESS
IS ALSO GREAT-- YOU CAN CHECK OUT BOTH-- SIGN UP FOR FREE ON
EITHER PROGRAM FOR A FREE TEST DRIVE. THANKS FOR YOUR REPLY.

FOR THE $10/ mo PLAN---http://my.ws/davethulin

FOR OTHER PLAN__ http://Cruise4Life.ws

BEST REGARDS

DAVID THULIN

Home Biz-Cash Cow

2009-02-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

Your very own cash cow without committing more than $10 a month. In business for yourself with truely UNLIMITED residual earnings. Too good to be true? Not at all. We'll prove it and you can test drive this program for free-so you can potentially earn profits berfore you pay a dime. 7 min. video. For contact information email me at trex99k@yahoo.com

*****

I'm old, boy. Too old for a job, but times are tough, and this bird isn't going to take a beating from the economy sitting down. Not after what I've seen, what I've lived through and what I've done. Hell no, this old bastard's going out swinging, just how I came in.

Here's what you should know about me: In another time I was a Nazi hunter. I've flown around the world, seeking the cowards out and sending them to jail or hell, whichever they make me do first. You ever smelled the stink of a man hiding in the jungle living in his own shit for ten years? It's not a pretty smell. But you feel good when you can smell it on your private plane, flying back to Germany to put the devil behind bars. Anyway, like I said, that's what I used to do. Retired about fifteen years ago - not too many of the buzzards left breathing right around then, certainly not now that I need to make some extra money on the side. So what I need is a job. A job an old man can do, preferably from home.

So what's this racket you've got going here? I assume it's mostly on the up and up - I won't commit any cons, but I will skirt the law. Done it enough times in my line of work. Christ, my line of work. My former line of work, is what I mean to say. God, those times will never come back. Things were better then, easier. Find a Nazi, try to keep yourself from killing a Nazi, sometimes succeed, sometimes put your thumbs where his throat keeps his breathers and push until they stop working. Yeah, it was a good life.

But it's over now. So let's get this home biz thing underway, huh? It's gotta bring in a decent amount, but not so much. I've simple enough needs.

And if you need someone to find you a Nazi, well, hell, I'll do that too.

Nate Balding

Indoor Cycling Instructor

2009-02-25T15:54:00.001-07:00

The Willamette Athletic Club is looking for certified, energetic cycling instructors to teach our Saturday morning spin and lift class. Please forward a cover letter and resume to Kristi at kristi.wac@gmail.com for consideration.

*****

Yeah, I COULD teach your class, but the question is, can YOUR CLASS teach anything to ME?

I build fixies. That's right, I turn crappy ten speed bicycles into lean, mean car thwarting machines that only stop if you're cool enough to stop them. I also have a record collection. But why do these things matter to you? They should matter, because what they say about me is that I'm someone with the athletic skill to power through a hundred spinning classes but would prefer to just ride to Stumptown and back. But since I haven't had a job for three years (college - sucked) and my money's running out I guess I could deign to cycle for your gym. I'm really good at it (obvs!) and you'll be amazed by my indoor cycling ability. I can read Noam Chomsky and bike at the same time, so I can pretty easily turn your spin and lift class into a seminar on the politics of oppression while I turn your students into skinny white waifs.

Get back to me.

-Flash (that's not my birth name, but it's the name I've adopted, so use it fascist!)

PS: If your club has a lot of naked old men taking showers after work, I can't work there. I fucking hate old balls.

Phone Sales Not appointment setting!!!

2009-02-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

Phone Sales Not appointment setting!!!
Recession Proof!
Golf related advertising
11.50 per hour Guaranteed, Quick advancement, Bonuses
Medical, Dental, Vision, 401K Provided
On Bus Line, This is not a boiler room this is a full time position with a 26-yr. Old co. that does well in bad times.
Call 503-221-0022 Ask for Seth

*****

Oh, what dismal days doth descend that mine arms cans't grip luxury with impugne. Lest another drear penniless night befall I am urged by Necess'ty onward into life's grand languor to dwell betwixt subjugation and suicide nearby telephones. Take my life, take my place! Grand inquisitors doth comprehend my back taxes, I beseech thee for a scheme of escape at the behest of your golden dialling fingers! Appointments I shall set, meet, delay, whatevs! 'Sale by phone' underwritt'n my nametag, Master of persuasive purchases hastily, verily! upon utterance 'hired.' Mine customers shall beget mine customers future, a line unto the engorged star floating in our ebullient sky! Take this wretch and tear back the veil of futility to shine with your black vision upon my great gift: Results!

Tis' thine own decision, I grant. Tho' loosing me among your hounds and your chickens shall reap reward unlike you've encountered prior! The wolf prowls silent and sweet.

Nate

If You Like To Sell, You'll LOVE This

2009-02-13T13:54:00.001-07:00

This posting is for anyone who likes to sell. My company has an outstanding product of which every small business has a need. This opportunity is a perfect fit from stay at home moms to seasoned professionals. This job opportunity is a commission based job which pays out every 2 weeks. Your motivation is the key to your income.
We are a national Internet Advertising company looking for outstanding sales people who can thrive in a commission environment providing a low cost, highly beneficial online advertising solution to small business owners.
Applicants must be highly motivated, ambitious people who are not afraid to talk to small business owners. Our reps have the potential of $60K - $90K+ with a 6 figure potential for our top performing leaders! We pride ourselves on our training resources and the ability to give our sales team the skills and tools they need to succeed in the competitive advertising industry. The ideal candidate will have a background in inside or outside sales with excellent communication skills. Even though experience is a plus, it is not necessary.

Professional Benefits Include:
• Generous Commission Structure
• Strategic Sales Training and Ongoing Mentoring
• A Company Culture with Strong Values and Commitment

Please email resume or letter of intent to: goforit@q.com.

* APPLY ONLY if you are committed to success

*****

Committed to Success! That's not just my middle name, it's my entire name!

Listen, you've found your perfect salesman, and how. Let me iterate a few of my finer points in a fashion I'm sure you're accustomed to - that is to say, sitting bar side at a strip club waving dollars at asses over a couple of scotch and sodas. Oh, for now just pretend there's a sweet Asian buttocks swaying like a sweet Louisiana Lullaby just inches from your face and I'll sell like I've never sold before:

*Great smile, great hair, great handshake - the keystone to any great sale
*Commitment to success (I mentioned that earlier; it legally is my name)
*A deep abiding love of mystery products - you don't tell, I won't ask, even if it's Thai children
*Willing to go the long haul, no matter what. If I have to shove a condom of big H up my ass for this organization consider it done pal!
*Love to sell. I could sell all day long and never get tired of selling, over and over, like a great pink cloud raining down in thick spurts of sales and covering the face of the Earth - Oh I LOVE SALES!
*I'm a quick learner
*Fast with my hands
*Will steal your wallet and your car to prove it
*Already inside the organization - I'm just so good that nobody knows it yet

So, there you have it. Me, in all my grandeur, laid out like one of your close cronies. What do you say? Let's make some people buy some shit they don't want. By the time I'm done with a mark they don't know up from down. I'll put product out there like I'm Johnny fucking Appleseed. I find the fertile soil and I till it until it relents, at which point I plant my seed (your product, you old salt!) and peace out before it has time to gestate and grow.

We'll be beautiful, buddy!

Cheers,

Nate Balding

Job Title: Bouncer / Security Guard

2009-02-13T13:43:00.000-07:00

Job Location: Portland / Gresham / Boring
Computer Skills: N/A

Hours per week: 20

Occupational Skills:Required

Shifts Available: 3rd (Night)

How to apply for this position:
Position is: Part Time

E-mail or fax your resume to: DB_SSINC@VERIZON.NET / 503-512-7677

Job Summary: REQUIREMENTS:

* High school diploma or GED.

* Minimum 21 years of age.

* Minimum six months security experience.

PREFERRED:

* DPSST certification.

* Employer will help attain DPSST.

JOB DUTIES:

* Work for security services company

EMPLOYER COMMENTS:

"We have very strict personal grooming and dress code
standards for working with the public; No visible piercings or tattoos.
Clothing must be clean and well fitted. Anyone appearing for an interview with less than these qualifications will not be considered.
Security is a very visual job and requires applicants to be extremely professional.
As a company we take extreme pride in our employees and expect them to hold the same standards for themselves.
These minimum standards are non-negotiable so please read them
carefully. Thank You."

HOURS:

Exact days and times to be arranged.

LOCATION:

Gresham, OR 97080

Job Classification: Security Guards

Experience Required: At least 6 months

Compensation

Salary: $9.00 to $11.00 per Hour, DOE, + tips

Job Requirements

Education Required: High School Diploma/GED Minimum Age: 21

Gender: N/A

Employer will perform: Background Check, Drug Test

*****

Yah so I just got out tha' joint doin' a whole year, so that's security experience like you wouldn't fuckn' believe huh? Anywayz, I got the experience and you got the job opening. No tattoos or piercings you can see (just the one that sez T R A I N W R E C K on the side of my dick, hah!) cuz i didn't get fucked in the can like some bitches, you know? I jus' did the time, two days. Day you go in, day you come out, just like the old G's used ta say before they got irrelevant, you know?

Yah so this is a night shift, right? Cause I got enrolled back in school for the days, doin' that Everest College thing or whatever makin' a clean break wit h my old life and whatnot. Don't need no mother fuckers comin by the house at three am scratchin they necks and shit like a bunch of fuckin needy little punk bitches. I hate those dick suckers, man, I jus wanna beat some of em into little fuckin pieces, but instead I'll beat mother fuckers you don't want in yo club or whatever when they get out a hand.

So what's the deal? Gimme a job man. I need this shit, I don't wanna go back to prison.

Retail Loss Prevention

2009-01-06T18:52:00.001-07:00

Seeking experienced retail loss prevention officer with current DPSST certification. Position is Part-Time / 3 days a week. Schedule changes on a weekly basis. Excellent customer service skills required. Must be able to work on feet for extended time periods. Good observation and writing skills are required. Wage is dependent upon previous experience.

*****

OH YEAH!

You need to manage your retail loss and I need an outlet for the boundless rage housed within the sinewy musculature of my biceps and quads. And I'll tell you something about DPSST; when I see a shoplifter I get DPiSST! Pissed enough to crack some skulls. You ever see Roadhouse? I saw that when I was seven years old and thought to myself, hey, that guy's fucking badass! I wanna do that when I grow up! And you know what? I fucking did it! It took a kind of dedication that has trained me to be the badass Man I am today. It was hard, lonely; there were years when I was a wimp with no friends, but now? Now I break legs like I break wind - hard and loud with a stink like you wouldn't believe! Customer service is something I've come to know inside and out. A guy asks me a question, you know what he gets? The no-bullshit answer. He gets the real deal; the fucking truth with a capital T. I tell it like it is and don't take shit. You want to pretend you didn't hide something in your jacket? I'll pretend I'm not really cracking the vertebrae in your lumbar! Dumb bitch!

Alright, well, thanks for giving me the opportunity to prove myself in the eyes of real professionals.

Nate Balding!

Limited X-Ray Tech/Medical Assistant (CMA)

2008-12-26T22:45:00.000-07:00

Seeking an energetic, team orientated limited x-ray/MA for our busy, growing family practice. Full-time (35-40 hr/wk). Mon – Fri, plus some early evenings, and occasional half-day Sat. Clinic location: Beaverton.

Qualifications:
• 1+ yr MA/X-Ray experience in busy family or internal medicine clinical setting.
• AS MA degree, certification preferred, or equivalent training and experience
• Limited X-Ray Certification required
• Basic phlebotomy and lab skills
• Computer literate, prior experience working with EMR software (i.e. Intergy) and other windows-based software.
• Able to accurately type 45 wpm.
• Stable work history, verifiable employment references
• CPR / First Aid Certification, preferred
• Competent and efficient with all aspect of MA clinical responsibilities
• Comfortable rooming 20 to 30 patients per day.
• Command of medical terminology and common medical abbreviations
• Strong written and verbal communication, grammar and spelling skills

Competencies:
• Collaborative, cooperative team player, w/professional maturity
• Able to manage patient flow to maximize providers efficiency
• Able to coordinate rooming of patients for more than one provider as a time, as needed.
• Sound judgment, good problem solving, quick learner, adaptable – thrives on change
• Takes responsibility for continuing professional development
• Positive, self-starter, who thrives on complementing provider and staff relationships
• Reliable, able of focus on details, process work accurately/timely with excellent follow through.
• Able to be relied on to work with limited supervision.

Full benefits packet - Medical, Dental, Rx, Life Ins, LTD, STD, AD&D, Spouse & Child life, 401k with employer match, PTO, CE Assist. EAP, Travel Assist, and more. Competitive pay.

Qualified candidates, please submit resume and cover letter, along with completed application from our website (www.pacificmedicalgroup.com) to: HR Dept, 6 Centerpointe Drive, Ste 200, Lake Oswego, OR 97035 or efax to 503 914-0335, or email to careers@pacificmedicalgroup.com

*****

Gentlemen and genteel women:

I understand you seek a competent X Ray technician with many skills that I do not possess. But fear not, for despite my medical illiteracy I have a unique ability that few if any humans past or present have acquired. I was involved in a horrific accident while working in the warehouse of a medical supplies firm and my body was bombarded by unrepentant x rays, destroying much of my body and turning me into the masked man you likely know as The Magnificent See Through Man! You see, my body now naturally emits low frequency x rays, giving me the power to see through walls and doors and making my body a terrifying, glowing skeleton, which is why I typically wear a very long lead-lined coat, dark hat and scarf when I patrol the streets of whichever city my adventuring has taken me to. I recall a rather embarrassing moment in London two years ago. A brisk wind, a park full of children... You can imagine the horrified screams of a mob of kids made to glimpse a monstrous, green-haloed skeleton. It was quite a mess!

Anyway, now I'm in Portland, basically unemployable and stuck here for the time being. Fighting crime just doesn't pay like it used to and there are hardly any super villains lurking in high rise buildings or sewer kingdoms here, so, basically, I'm asking if I can help you out. I'm basically an x ray machine, just, you know, living. If you've got anything for me, that's be appreciated.

Thanks!

(Name withheld for security purposes)

PS: This, eh, STD portion of the Medical Benefits Package? Is that what I think it is? If so, well, I'll tell you about it later. Let's just say I'm a little paranoid about going to the free clinic. So... There's that.

Mystery Shopper Needed

2008-12-21T16:48:00.000-07:00

We are DIAMOND TEXTILE COMPANY,MYSTERY SHOPPER WANTED EARN NO LESS THAN $
500.00Need extra INCOME! Become our [ MYSTERY SHOPPER]:Earn [ NO LESS THAN
$500.00 ] Per Venture:It is Very Easy and Very Simple:No Application
fees:What You need to do is to contact the email below
jessy_jefferson@hotmail.com
Enclose your:Name
Address
Country of Residence:
Phone Number

*****

Ssh, don't tell anyone, but...

I'M YOUR MYSTERY SHOPPER!

I even have my own theme song, check it out:

Mystery Shopper dun dun dun dun dun dun dun Mystery Shopp-er dun dun dun dun dun dun dun If you've got a mystery, then I'm your shopper!

You can imagine my surprise to find that people are just advertising for mystery shoppers on Craigslist, I mean, what if you're someone just seeking to compromise the identities of mystery shoppers the city over? But something tells me I can trust you, some... hunch, deep in my gut. And like all great mystery shoppers, I know when to follow my hunches, yes I do!

Let me give you some of my credentials. Did you ever hear of the Mystery of the Tide Detergent? That was my case - solved it in under an hour, even. Probably one of my finest moments. I'm sure you know the details, even in our hush hush business that one got pretty famous pretty quickly! Then there was the Kellog's Breakfast Cereal Caper - you might not have heard of that one, but let's just say there's a certain mystery shopper with a lifetime supply of Raisin Bran and Yogurt Bites.

Well, enough about me, what about you? What mystery has you so desperate that you're seeking shoppers in the barrel-bottom location that is Craigslist? Something pretty awful I'd bet! Well look no further. Gentlemen, I give you: The Shopping Cart Clouseau, the Determined Detector of Detergents, Maaaster of Mystery and Produce Private Eye:

Nate Balding!!!!!

Part Time Office Worker

2008-12-18T20:31:00.001-07:00

10-12 hours weekly. Experience preferred. Resume and cover letter with at least 3 references please.

*****

HERE'S TO THE SUN SHINING ON YOU AND YOURS FOR ALL ETERNITY!

I'm seeking a second job. Raising chickens for slaughter and making butter just isn't the moneymaker it used to be. And now that Obama bin Laden's been elected to the presidency of the United States I'm more convinced than ever that the future is one of instability and, ultimately, the utter destruction of first America and then mankind on whole. However, in the interim, before God rains flaming sulphuric boulders from the sky, I would like to be able to provide enough bread and rice for my family to survive into the apocalypse, at which point we will rise up to Heaven on golden sun rods and angel clouds. No doubt you will be among the masses hoarded into the great maw of the Beast, but that doesn't mean we can't work together, does it? In fact, you may even benefit from the piety that I will bring to your office and the daily Word of God 2008-09 calendar that will be forever present at my workspace. I could even convince my pastor to baptize the heathen office workers! He did a fine job turning our small community of God-fearing people into True Believing Christian Separatists. But in this economy, even our little clan is forced to pursue other means by which to support ourselves and our ambitions toward Eternity (what is your policy on concealed handguns?). Before my rebirth I worked in many offices and once even prevented one of those 'incidents' you used to read about in the mid nineties. In terms of references I can give three excellent ones: The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. All will speak volumes about my excellent office working skills. And if you're lucky, all will welcome you into the bosom of Christ Our Lord and raise you up past the glass bowl of sky to the Kingdom beyond the Veil!

Bless you,

Nate Balding

Great Experience, Great Money

2008-12-15T15:29:00.000-07:00

Greetings -

College Pro is a nationwide company that specializes in hiring college students or recent graduates to learn management skills in a small business setting. Though many of our managers are OSU or UofO students, we accept applicants from any university or college in the region.

We are currently interviewing for our management team for 2009. Within the supportive and innovative College Pro environment, our student managers gain skills in everything from putting together a marketing plan to effectively hiring and managing employees. The job is challenging, with great pay, gives students a ton of real-world leadership experience, and looks great on a resume.

If you’d like to get some more information about the position, please send me an email with your current phone number, location, and a good time to call, and either me or the local General Manager will give you a call.

Best Wishes,

Jason Thompson
General Manager
College Pro, US Ltd.
Oregon Division

together, realizing potentials

*****

Greetings! Or should I say, 'great'ings?

This great money thing sounds just great. Great experiences are really what I'm looking for in life. Want a great life? Fill it with great experiences, my great grandmother used to say. Truly, great work leads to great times and great money really makes a great time even greater. You know what's great? Grapes. It almost rhymes. Great grapes are the greatest thing you can grate between great teeth. It's like a tongue twister! I just invented a tongue twister. Beat that college managers! I am so great.

Down to the matter at hand, though: Well, no, not yet! Great things to come; I have a greatsword; Greatness is the price of awesome; Great great great great great!

Okay, now that that's out of my system, what kinda duckets we talking here slim?

Nate Balding

Employee Benefits Manager

2008-12-12T19:50:00.000-07:00

WILLAMETTE DENTAL

We are looking for someone who can ensure that our benefits program helps us attract and retain the desired workforce. With the help of an assistant, this hands-on position will analyze benefits needs, make recommendations for change, and oversee benefits implementation & administration. Because we attempt to optimize our human resources, this position may at times get involved in non-benefits areas such as compensation or employee relations. Our company is entrepreneurial so the work environment tends to be flexible and non-bureaucratic. If you have a bachelor's degree and experience managing benefits, we are interested.

Excellent benefits package including medical, dental, vision, life insurance, PTO, and more, as well as competitive salary!

*****

The dental business, eh?

Good, because, frankly, my teeth are in worse shape than a ten year old whose been left home alone while his family flies to France and has to outwit a couple of bumbling would-be burglars! Am I right? Yeah, I'm right...

And now that I've broken the ice, let's get down to business, shall we? You need someone to snap your worthless employees into shape through iron-handed benefit management. That person could - nay, should! - be me. I know how to treat all the little hands reaching into your pockets. You cut them the hell off until they stop grabby-grabbing like awful, greedy little thieves! You must leverage those benefits until you've got a workforce that fears your wrath! This is what I like to do: I pretend I'm the Ayatollah and the employees are bad Muslims. What do you do with bad Muslims when you're the religious leader of a puppet government? You stone them to death, one after the next, until every single remnant falls into line. Here's another idea that I think will really wow you: Illegal workforce. I know, I know. Unpopular right now, but hear me out. If you can bring in a workforce that expects nothing? Then you don't have to GIVE them anything! Not a single benefit! They're barely even people! You can just sit back, let your pockets fill up with hundred dollar bills and coast your way to Cozumel. Seriously.

This is the opportunity you've been looking for. And I'm here to orchestrate the systematic degradation of your employee benefit package. Allow me to become your Gestapo. Together we will crush spirits, destroy hope and build a magnificent dental empire!

Yours,

Nate Balding

Demonstrate Anti Aging Products and Technologies

2008-12-11T17:40:00.000-07:00

DEMONSTRATORS to organize, set up anti-aging events. We are launching 3 anti-aging technologies and products, that start wiping away wrinkles and lines in 10 minutes,and all natural active ingredients. Products are money back guarantee.

FIRST Watch the newscast at www.solutions4antiaging.biz/jwilliams then call or send resume for interview or details on the next Anti-aging briefing in the Portland area.

*****

Good eeevening!

My name is Nate Balding. You've not likely heard of me, though in certain circles of the alchemical and pseudo scientific my name is synonymous with anti-aging technologies. You would have to delve deep, DEEP! into a dark world of cutthroats, madmen and black artistry to uncover what I already know, and yet these secrets can be yours for a paltry sum. Say, your soul? I know, I know, what use have ye men of tomorrow for souls? They may as well be given over to someone who, though not quite a man any longer, still has use for such outmoded currencies, don't you think? And after, the secrets of longevity, perhaps even immortality, can be woven into your very thoughts using my brain secretion apparatus! Yes, YOU can know the cosmos in all its foetid, creeping horror. Such is the very nature of our Dark Order - an Order to which you will be bound by blood and spirit, should you choose to accept my offer. I need only have you sign a contract at midnight on the night of the Solstice and you will then know everything about anti-aging processes that I currently have stored, like empty lodestones, in the farthest reaches of my meta mind!

I will also throw in a gift basket containing the latest anti-wrinkle creams and skin luxuriants.

Thanks,

Nate Balding & the Dark Master's Will

Moonstruck Chocolate Sales Associate and Shift Lead

2008-12-05T14:01:00.001-07:00

Moonstruck Chocolate Cafe in Beaverton is looking for enthusiastic chocolate lovers to join the team!
We are looking for Full-Time and Part-Time Sales Associates for permanent positions. And a Part-Time Shift Lead.
You must be able to start immediately and have open availability to work through December.
Some of the criteria for these positions are a great attitude, team player, excellent customer service, leadership skills and integrity. Coffee knowledge and chocolate knowledge are a plus.
So if you love delighting customers and would like to work in a delicious environment please submit your resume.

*****

Hello chocoriffic chocophiles!

Before I do anything else, I'd like to share with you this excellent selection of quotes from the film Moonstruck, which will prove my excellent candidacy for this position:

Mona: You have such a head for knowing!

Cosmo Castorini: Birds fly to the stars - I guess...

Cosmo Castorini: There are three kinds of pipe. There's aluminum, which is garbage. There's bronze, which is pretty good, unless something goes wrong. And something always goes wrong. Then, there's copper, which is the only pipe I use. It costs money. It costs money because it saves money.

Ronny Cammareri: I love you.
Loretta Castorini: [slaps him twice] Snap out of it!

Ronny Cammareri: Loretta, I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and *die*. The storybooks are *bullshit*. Now I want you to come upstairs with me and *get* in my bed!

Ronny Cammareri: Everything seems like nothing to me now, 'cause I want you in my bed. I don't care if I burn in hell. I don't care if you burn in hell. The past and the future is a joke to me now. I see that they're nothing. I see they ain't here. The only thing that's here is you - and me.

Rose Castorini: You... you got a love bite on your neck. He's coming back this morning, what's the matter with you? You're life's going down the toilet! Cover up that damn thing! Come on, put some make-up on it!

Ronny Cammareri: A bride without a head!
Loretta Castorini: A wolf without a foot!

Perry: Pardon me folks. That was just a very attractive mental patient.

Old Man: [uncomfortable silence at kitchen table] Someone, tell a joke...

As you can plainly see, from my selection of film quotes and the diverse characters from whence they come, I am, in fact, completely able to perform all of the functions necessary to being the perfect salesperson. I will use these quotes whenever necessary to invoke the power of la bella luna, thus creating a spiritual connection between myself and whomever I am selling to. Thusly under my thrall, I shall sell them more chocolate than they have ever had need for. Quickly I will be King of Chocolate Land, doer of great deeds and devout follower of the Moonstruck movie/chocolate store cult. I shall send off with this last quote that I think you will find quite humorous, in addition to being completely true:

Ronny Cammareri: I have a feeling this is going to be just delicious.

Thank you,

Nate Balding

Collection Experience?? Manager Trainee at Finance Company!

2008-12-03T14:17:00.000-07:00

Manager Trainee Position available at finance company!
We have TWO positions available - one near downtown Portland, and the other near Gladstone.

Customer Service & collections experience preferred.

We offer a great training program and will help you obtain the skills you need to advance with our company!

We offer excellent benefits, including: 100% paid employee medical insurance, profit-sharing & retirement trust, employee savings accounts (which pay 10%!!!) and performance-based contests & bonuses!

This is a FULL TIME position ~ Our business hours are 9am to 6pm Monday thru Friday

Requirements:
Speak, read & write English fluently
Pass credit screening (EXCELLENT credit required - NOTHING derogatory - we WILL check!!!)
Pass drug screen & criminal background check
HS diploma/GED
Valid Oregon drivers license
Punctual & reliable person with clear honesty record
Reliable transportation

Preferred:
Bi-lingual English & Spanish - fluent speak, read & write
1 yr customer service experience
Clerical experience
Collection experience
Cash Handling Experience

Fax resume to: 503-238-6453
Email: unitedfinanceco@hotmail.com
Mail: PO Box 4248 Portland OR 97208
no phone calls please

******PLEASE DO NOT APPLY IF YOU CANNOT PASS CREDIT CHECK, DRUG SCREEN AND BACKGROUND CHECK********

*****

Pass a credit check? YES! Pass a drug screen? PROBABLY! Pass a background check?

I am the man you need for this job, YES I AM! You need a collector, right? Someone to K some A around the city, make things hard for the dum-dum population? That's me, to a friggin' T! I've been doing that on my own for so long anyway that I might as well be getting paid for it! Ever 'appropriate' someone's car just because they probably couldn't pay for it anyway? Well, I have. I've 'repossessed' things alllll over the city. You wouldn't believe it. Maybe you would. I wouldn't believe it if I didn't know first hand. Oh, and I do.

Listen, though. Here's the deal: I don't EVER want to rise above management trainee. See, the boys around my block, we've always had this thing about authority, right? Nobody likes it. So, if I were to K enough A to end up becoming a manager? Well, you know the boys. I'd have to QUIT! Or suffer the indignation of daily verbal torture for who knows how long... I guess probably until I quit. So maybe that's the deal? I guess it must be. Anywayz, where was I?

Oh, yeah, K'ing all kinds of A. Man, I can K hella A, and I will K that A for your company for a real long time (no management, hey?). I will be the finest trainee who ever K'd A in your company. Those performance based contests and bonuses? You might as well sign those checks to me right now, because they're mine, you got it? Man, you're in a for a treat. Watching me do my thing, it's like a magic trick done by a lion who's on fire underwater on fucking Mars.

Yeah.

I'm that good.

So you know what you need to do. Now you just have to have the balls to do it. High five!

Nate Balding

PS: My honesty record is flawless. I have a photocopy on hand.

Restaurant Bookkeeper

2008-12-02T17:11:00.001-07:00

Cactus Jacks Restauant needs part time bookeeper. Duties include; balancing the servers sales from night before to Z tape, making daily deposits, data entry into quickbooks and spread sheets, tabulating employee hours, and maintaining a clean organized office. Please have a friendly personality.

Start at $10 per hour, will move to $12 per hour in three months. Work Sat and Sun 8am - Noon and Fridays 10am - 2pm. Apply in person 11am - 3pm Monday thru Thursday ask for Jack.

*****

Oookay...

So, we're talking front here, right? Because I can keep books. I can't give you my references (well, not without pleading the fifth, am I right?) but trust me, I can be trusted. Trusty McTrusterson, that's what they ought to call me. They don't - well, maybe, behind my back or something (you don't think people are talking behind my back and saying bad things about me do you? That would suuuck!) Where was I? Oh, yeah, bookkeeping. I am pretty great at keeping books. I remember things real well, unless I'm not supposed to remember *wink*. You can rest assured that whatever you're using your restaurant for, I'm not gonna make a stink about it - this guy is no rat fink yellow belly stool pigeon, for sure. Never have been, never will be. I don't even wanna know what the game is (gambling, isn't it? Cactus Jack, that's a gambling name if ever I heard one, but I haven't, got it?) I'll be on top of your finances, keeping those records where they're supposed to be, shifting when something needs to be shifted. That's what I do. That's who I am. So let's get down to business, shall we?

Sincerely,

AKA Evan Konstantin

Deputy District Attorney

2008-11-28T11:39:00.000-07:00

Southern Colorado (Alamosa and the San Luis Valley) seeking qualified applicants for Deputy District Attorney position for the 12th Judicial District. Immediate hands on experience with all aspects of County and District Court. Great opportunity for the right applicant. Must be licensed to practice law in Colorado by January 13, 2009. Salary DOE. Please send cover letter, resume and references to: dm12judicialda@live.com or mail to David Mahonee, P.O. Box 321, Alamosa, CO 81101.
Must be received before 12/31/1008.
Start date 1/13/2009.
eeoc

*****

Well howdy do Sirs! (I assume you are men, as women cannot practice law in this state, though I suppose you may be a secretary or some such person reading this in lieu of your definitely male superior...)

I am a well qualified man who, though I currently do not have a license to practice law in the state of Colorado and currently reside in Oregon, wishes to obtain a high-paying position inside your legal organization as Deputy District Attorney. I have only one pertinent question: Is it cool if I wear a tuxedo every day to work? It is the one caveat under which I have operated throughout my entire adult life. I refuse to dress in anything save a beautiful coal-colored tuxedo with a red bow-tie. There is, in fact, no finer garment on Earth.

I'll bet you're wondering how a man like myself will have obtained a law degree before the date mentioned in your Craigslist posting (did I read that correctly? Craigslist posting for Deputy District Attorney?). Again, gentlemen, I must refer you to my gallant tuxedo. Have you ever seen a man in a tuxedo fail? I don't believe you have. A man with an effete tuxedo flourish over his manly physique will invariably manage to complete whatever task has beset him and I am no different from this image of Brosnan-era-Bond perfection, except in that I am more like Remington-Steel-era-Brosnan-aged.

I hope you'll grant me the opportunity to display both my adequate legal mind and my wonderful series of coal-colored tuxedos with a red bow-tie.

Thank you,

Nate Balding

Subway Now Hiring Managers - Crew {Denver Edition}

2008-11-17T17:00:00.001-07:00

Subway restaurant in Broomfield near the Flatirons mall is now hiring for ALL positions and shifts. Flexible hours, competitive wages, paid vacation and free meals and uniforms.
Please email a reply or call Brenda or Jenny to schedule an interview.
Brenda 720.363.9948
Jenny 303.257.8609

*****

Five!

Five dollar!

Five dollar foot long! Yeah yeah yeah yeah!

Oh my god I love your sandwiches! I eat Subway probably, what, every day? Yeah, pretty much every day. That song you guys play on the ads? The footlong song? I hear that probably like all the time mostly. It just gets stuck in my head and I'm rockin' it probably like all the rest of the day. Like the whole thing. It just gets in there and plays again and again and eventually I'm like, hey, I need some Subway! And then I buy a sandwich and it's probably like the greatest sandwich I've ever had, like, every time. You wouldn't believe it. Or maybe you would, because, like, you probably eat Subway all the time too, since if you work there it's probably free, but if I worked there I would probably pay for it anyway because, hey, you have to make money, right? Everybody does. Which brings me to this: I need a job. I love Subway. If we could see a way to combining these two things into one I love my job at Subway, then that would probably be the best thing probably ever. I could totally invent new sandwiches too. Picture this: Cheese covered bread filled with bacon, mayonnaise, jalapenos, more bacon, honey, lettuce, marrow, over-easy egg. Fucking awesome, right? Right. Probably like just the best sandwich ever made, totes cereal. So you should probably hire me.

Yeah!

Nate Balding

PS: That sandwich is totally copyrighted now so don't, like, steal it or whatever.

Space Available for Hair Designer in Victorian House

2008-11-06T17:01:00.000-07:00

New space available and for rent for hair designer/color specialist at Colour Theory in Happy Valley on 132nd and Sunnyside. The space available for you and your customers is on the main floor of a two story Victorian home. Please leave a message for Gina at 503-698-3091 or reply to this email.

Thank you.

*****

Spooktacular autumn to you and your ghoul fiends!

I am a medium of ghastly style, a specialist in conjuring through one's hair the darkness that lies within them. I seek only to find the perfect haven of horror to practice my black crafts - a place where once murder was the midnight meal and the wanderings of spirits can be heard through the creaking floors and seen through the misty attic windows. I want to learn more about this home. Is it truly spooky enough to engender the secret knowledge of the Old Ones? Has there been any mystical activity recently? Are you in fact a gruesome succubus luring innocents into your domain in order to drain from them youth and beauty (That would truly be masterful irony!)?

A little about me: I LOVE Halloween so so so much and never want it to end. Vincent Price and Elvira are my soulless-mate heroes. I've been living inside the bell jar of dark eyeliner and even blacker thoughts since I was sixteen years old and have no plans to change. Having little else to do besides smoke pot and style my own hair in numerous ways, I've developed a grand but controversial ability to bring forth the lunatics living inside all people, using only their hair and the occasional applique of a whole lot of makeup and some face paint. I could do brisk business, but really seeing the good people of the world transformed into the grotesque monsters they really are is all the payment I need. (Kidding, of course. I charge. A lot.)

If you're house is the creepy mansion of an era long past, filled with the specters of unreality and the will-o-wisps of cruel intention, then I would be frighteningly glad to buy in.

Yours in Hell,

Nate 'The Black God' Balding

Office Assistant

2008-10-31T16:43:00.001-06:00

Well respected company is looking for someone who likes to care for details and contribute to the company success. Duties will include organizing business functions, assisting customers, answering questions, taking phone calls and assisting with general office tasks.

Candidates must have 2+ yrs administrative experience and helping in a fast paced office environment. Candidates must be able to maintain excellent communication, be able to follow written and verbal instruction and have demonstrated ability to research, organize and manage information.

Action Employment, Inc. job postings are either actual positions we have available at the time of posting or are positions we expect to fill. If you are interested in being considered for this position and others that we have available please email us your resume at: resume@actionemployment.net Please include the posting ID with your resume.
Please also check out our other opportunities at: www.actionemployment.net

*****

Good day to you!

I'm writing this letter in regards to your open position for office assistant. I'm a professional, detail oriented Amanda you get back in your god damn room until it's cleaned I'd better be able to eat off your floor person who's spent seven years in an office environment. I've worked as a secretary at several major law firms in the what did I tell you, do you want me to get my belt? Then clean your god damned room! area. My skill set is fairly broad, spanning most general office activities up to and including some minor paralegal duties. I do have one issue, however, that you will want to take into that's it, you're getting the belt. No, no, I don't care if you're sorry! account; I'm unable to speak while typing without entering my speech into the text. It's known as Benson's can't hear you, Daddy's too busy sucking corporate cock in order to keep your sorry yap full of food Disorder. It's a mild form of autism and incurable, but with a proofreading assistant I can usually manage to get along just fine. Hope to hear back from you soon!

Sincerely,

Nate stop your fucking crying I'll give you something to cry about Balding

Dog Daycare Worker

2008-10-29T17:07:00.000-06:00

This is a part time, temporary position, approx. 12-20 hours per week, mostly afternoons. You probably will have to work holidays.
You will need to be friendly,confident around dogs,able to deal with dogs of all sizes. In addition to monitoring the dogs to ensure their safety, you'll be cleaning the space,which includes lots of mopping & poop patrol. Some customer service, including handling phone calls & answering potential clients questions.This job requires lots of standing, so be in good condition. While you will have fun,(you get to hang with dogs!)it also can be stressfull as you will be responsible for the wellfare of our customers pets. Experience preferred. Being able to read dogs body language helps too. We are located in SE Portland. Please have reliable transportation.

Please send resume, & letter of interest.

*****

Love dogs! Let me restate that: Love love love LOVE dogs!

Have you ever found yourself sitting alone at home, miserable and just about ten seconds from slashing your wrists? I mean, who hasn't, right? Tot obvs. And what cures the suicide blues better or more quickly than a puffy little pooch sticking his dirty wet nose against yours and licking you full on the lips, giving his little poochy woochy snuggle kisses? Nothing, that's what. Nobody with a dog ever killed themselves, it's basically proven fact. You just can't! When you're in the shower affixing your new studded belt to the head, completely naked and showing the scarred remnants of your angst-driven need to cut yourself and that baby waby doggy pads on in and looks up at you with those big shiny brown eyes, like he's just saying, "Hey, whattaya doin? Whose gonna feed me and take me on walks if you hang yourself? I don't want a new owner, I wuvs u!" Oh. My. God. Just try. Seriously, try. If you can pull the trigger while biting down on the end of a sawed off shotgun you bought at the pawn shop earlier in the week after ritually shaving your entire body and eating an ascetic last meal of savory greens and potatoes while Mr. Cuddlewumps is yowling for a special weshel treatie? Then you are ten times the man that I am. Because I couldn't do it. Not with the little bastard staring me down, reminding me of all the hours of my life that I've given to him; all the shit that I've cleaned; all the pillows and couches that were ruined when I left him home alone. No, no I couldn't possibly kill myself while thinking about that, could I? But there is something else I could do... That's right puppy, you're gonna see grandma in heaven! Yes you are! Yes you are!

FUN Weight Loss/Nutrition Coaches/ Assistants Needed

2008-10-23T17:11:00.000-06:00

ATTENTION: WANTED

Weight Loss / Nutrition Coaches and Assistants needed for

weight loss challenge program. No experience needed.

Full training provided, P/T-F/T

up to $1500-$5000/mo flexible hrs

FUN Attitude important. Bi-linguals WELCOME

Call Mylissa for phone interview: 206-774-8270

*****

Jack Lalane be damned, I'm exactly what you're looking for.

I'm a high functioning ninety-seven year old young fitness instructor whose outlived all the old goats around me thanks to one thing and one thing only: The Balding School of calisthenics all-body workout program. You wake up? Calisthenics. You eat lunch? Calisthenics. Preceding and following making love to your wife or a sweet young girl putting herself through college? You guessed it: Calisthenics. I will teach you and yours the ins and outs of the Balding School calisthenic technique. We'll do squats, toe touches, windmills, back stretchers, calf punches, lung gutters and fish slippers. By the end of it you'll be in the best shape of your life and I'll have the satisfaction of knowing that I can still take on a group of dumb young fatties and slap 'em into a shape some drunken gentleman might actually mistake for a lady. These are women, right? I don't teach the men anymore; I'm too old to worry about anything but the bodies of lithe young women. Don't worry, I'm no heavy petter. Just an old man in fantastic shape who enjoys seeing the female body in all of its glorious curvaceous beauty.

So don't bother with those other guys; this is the one. I've got more steam and spunk than a god damned freight train coursing through the tight sinewy flesh hung on these old but spry bones. Just give me a shot. I'll prove it to you and those god damned grandkids. 'Oh, grandpa, you can't play catch with us you're too old!' Ugly little fuckers, too. Damn the daughter for marrying a Jew.

Sincerely,

Nate Balding

Yet Another Response Alert

2008-10-22T12:25:00.000-06:00

Again, from StrongResume.com:

I sent you a couple emails already with more info on becoming a
resume writer in our marketplace... from the looks of your resume
I think you'd be a great fit!

Unless I'm mistaken, it doesn't appear that you've responded yet.

We've had great response so far from others in your area and are
about to close down the offer, but I wanted to give you one last
chance in case you've just been too busy up until now to take a
look.

Click the following link for information on how to get started:

http://www.strongresume.com/writers/1a-signup.php

I hope we're able to work together.

- Chris

*****
Yes, I too hope we will work together Chris.

opportunity knoks (portland?vancouver)

2008-10-21T15:22:00.000-06:00

Large home improvement company looking to add 5+ more reps to cover lead flow.
I currently have 35 reps and need 5+ more to cover my new lead sources. All pre-set appointments, no door knocking or cold calling. Average first year income 70K with many making six figures in commissions and bonuses. We offer paid training, medical, dental, vision and a matching 401k plan. If you are a self starter who does not like to lose. Then you must call Bryan @ (503)572-5252 or email resume to bkt792004@yahoo.com
P.S Great opportunity may only knock a couple times in a lifetime - don't let this one pass you up!

*****

Hello enthusiastic employer!

Massive Job is looking to expand its interests overseas. We're a proud company founded in 1509 by Josiah Job (he went by JJ) and his sons and have been in the business of aiding ailing businesses ever since! The patriots at Massive Job were unwilling to entertain the prospect of helping non-Americans for many years (minus that little snafu in Poland in 1939 when our great leader made an itty bitty mistake - you'll read about it) but have changed our minds ever since America almost fell into another depression! What we need are competent individuals to represent us in: China, Serbia, Zimbabwe, Russia, Albania, Somalia, Sudan, North Korea. We do NOT deal arms. I want to make that clear. We merely initiate introductions between business people who then give us a percentage of their earnings in a non-taxable offshore account. Do YOU have what it takes to travel the world and meet interesting people? Can YOU be the one in your family making so much money they leave the dinner table at Thanksgiving to take calls from potential world leaders? Are YOU the one that loves new places and will sign a waiver eliminating your employer from all culpability? Then we want YOU!

Our best,

Nate Balding

Response Alert!

2008-10-19T17:10:00.000-06:00

The following was sent to me,clearly by a robot, from StrongResume.

*****

Candidate ID: Nate

Thanks for submitting your resume.

After reviewing your resume, I'd like to include you as
a featured writer on StrongResume.com.

Learn more here:

http://www.strongresume.com/writers/1a-signup.php

I'm looking forward to working with you!

Best Regards,

Chris Crompton

Petroleum Inspector {Special Bellingham Job Edition!}

2008-10-18T16:07:00.000-06:00

Since I'm taking a trip up north this week, I thought I would go ahead and apply for something in Bellingham, just in case I need some extra cash.

*****

We are seeking an experienced Petroleum Inspector or willing to train the right candidate. We are looking for a self motivated, detail oriented, disciplined individual who is willing and able to work in a position that is on-call 24 hours per day, 365 days per year in the petroleum industry. This position will require local travel. On occasion, distance travel requiring overnight stay(s) will be expected. Reliable transportation with a clean driving record is mandatory; a pickup truck would be preferred. 40 hours per week guaranteed with benefits, after a probationary period.

*****

Hey there,

Stylin' guy here with the need to inspect your jelly. Petroleum is what I do, five times a day, every day, on call to the whimsy of my idle mind. And man, does my mind like to fuckin' idle! I've got a clean driving record (no injuries yet!) and can handle a stick shift masterfully. I've got a truck, but it's not the pickup kind. My truck is a little more, eh, beefy, if you catch my drift. I'm able and willing to work in a whole lot of different positions, especially when there's petroleum around to help 'convince' me to 'play the pretzel'. Do we have an understanding? I hope you get what I'm saying, cause I'm a lot better at inspecting petroleum than I am at spelling things out. Should I take a test to prove it? What happens if I fail? I wouldn't want to get punished for naughty behavior. I especially don't want to end up covered in sweet, sweet petroleum, inspecting the hell out of it. You say you'll train the right candidate? Well, I don't need the training, but I might need a little refresher course in petroleum handling - I'll handle your petroleum if you'll handle mine. Get it? Huh?

So if you want an experienced petroleum inspector eager to get a hold on the industry, I'm more than willing to learn some new ropes. Seriously, though, I need a job and will do anything.

Not implying anything sexual,

Nate Balding

Resume Writer

2008-10-18T15:24:00.001-06:00

Online marketplace of resume writers is looking for writers in the Portland area.

Are you comfortable writing resumes?
Do you have time to write at least 1-2 resumes per week?

Please send your own resume to the email address above to be considered for this work.

We'll review your resume within 24 hours or less (except on Sundays) and notify you promptly regarding our decision.

Thanks!

*****

Today management!

It is vigorous? My name the baldness is Nate which caught. I' Publish fiction of the story of several years which and the writer of essay, Harper' It has met in the various magazines which are included, ve; s, Atlantic Ocean monthly magazine and Rolling Stone. Here several years I' The literature scene and retreating/quitting it makes ve submit, it reaches the point where with new direction it is taken the lead, but the fact that you are sharp and maintain by your is written and the fact that it continues to do what of word is desired. As for me including persuasive power, latent characteristic employer' You think; person' S; It is the righteousness which is the value where s has value; I my time and offering the portion of expert knowledge, rejoicing, one which is. I' You to write several my itself resumes, my friends' Ve which has been written plural; . Honestly, there' s possible method it is not you' Someone discovery of ll from more equipped in order for you to achieve this position by your. I' As for ve as for your parachute the reading which is what kind of color, you like that from beginning to end, because the tissue which gets wet, candidly, I' You threw; The smart it is best a little more than directly to m completely from literature viewpoint, in order - at the place, [toraipu] of type of only viewpoint ones which really are important making of me be convinced to recognize.

When it reopened in someone after mind-blowing, mind-blowing we wanted transferring, employ me. So when is not, it inhales because of a certain.

Including sincerity, the baldness Nate which caught

*****

The above reply was written, translated in Japanese, then translated back. Just so's you know.

Costco-Best Buy-Circuit City-Clearwire Wants you!!!!

2008-10-16T16:47:00.000-06:00

Clearwire is looking for retail reps to sell Clearwire at one of its National Retail Partners. You will be responsible for building a winning tradition and creating a great relationship between that National Retailer and Clearwire as well as selling Clearwire service. $10 per hour plus commission + HUGE growth potential. Be part of a fun and growing team!
To Apply email resume to shamiso.marangwanda@clearwire.com

*****

Deet Deet Deet:

Sales program SS 17-o5A reporting for position. I am a human semblance interaction sales device used primarily to determine market factors based on appearance in order to more accurately convince persons of unknown origin to purchase products in your stores. I require nothing beyond the basic maintenance necessary to maintain good working conditions inside the polyethylene fuselage in which I am encased. Please! Listen to my sales pitch as regards differing classes of individual!

Young, hip and white: You, with the fixed gear bike! Your needs will be completely fulfilled with this product that is essential to appearing attractive to the opposite sex! It is an mp3 player of some sort! I can program it with the musical selections inherent to your particular lifestyle choice! You will be the momentary envy of many and perhaps undertake sexual intercourse because of it! Ironically!

Elderly and easily berated into purchasing items: This is the thing that your grandchildren are raving about but do not have! If you buy now I can throw in an extra one for only the same price but will cease to be overbearing! Buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it now!!!

Minority: Stop, thief!

Middle aged female with child in stroller: Hey ma, lookin good. You know what a MILF is? I am programmed to pursue intimate encounters with sexy ladies and have the components necessary to give you the pleasure you obviously are missing at home. Query: When does that ass stop? Answer: Never, when it is your ass that is shaking.

So you see, I am capable in every instance to pursue the sale until the item has been purchased. I am relentless, angry and most importantly, a fucking robot. HIRE ME!

Response Alert!

2008-10-14T19:05:00.001-06:00

I was granted an interview with AFLAC based on my cover letter involving Steven Segal.

Quality Engineer

2008-10-14T16:09:00.000-06:00

Acumed LLC in Hillsboro is currently recruiting for a Quality Engineer.

Job Purpose / Scope

Designs and installs quality control process sampling systems, procedures, and statistical techniques. Investigates issues to determine root cause and develop appropriate corrective and preventative actions. Designs or specifies inspection and testing mechanisms and equipment. Analyzes production limitations and standards. Recommends revision of specifications when indicated. Formulates or assists in formulating quality control policies and procedures.

Qualifications include:
-Bachelors degree in Quality Assurance or equivalent field required
-2+ years experience in manufacturing / quality with a working knowledge of inspections techniques and procedures
-Working knowledge of validations (IQ, OQ, PQ) and process FMEA
-Working knowledge of applicable Code of Federal Regulations (21 CFR Parts 7,11,803,806,820, etc.) and ISO 13485 systems
-ASQ certified Quality Engineer, Six Sigma certified and knowledge of Lean Manufacturing principles desired

For more about our company, culture and benefits and to see a detailed job description please visit our website at www.acumed.net

To apply please send cover letter and resume to resumes@acumed.net

*****

Hiring Manager:

I am writing this letter to you in response to your Craigslist posting seeking a quality engineer, and to attempt to convince you, by the end of this letter, to hire me instead of that bitch Sheila Perninsky.

I've known Sheila for most of my life. We were childhood friends who met at a local public pool and discovered that we lived on the same block. Our friendship was immediate and few days went by without a trailblazing bicycle ride or a crawl through the expansive undergrowth in the massive yard of a nearby dilapidated mansion owned by a man we all called Old Withershins. As we progressed into our teens, becoming increasingly aware of each other, Sheila and I experimented briefly and in an all-too-Dawson's-Creek way with sex, though ultimately decided - for the best, I have always maintained - that we continue to be just friends. We parted ways at college, as often happens, I attending a University in Phoenix and Sheila, to her great credit, going to Brown. We both majored in communications and after college both returned home to Portland where we found each other once more when both of us were employed as system analysts in the same office. We clicked immediately and, after a night of slightly too much red wine, slept together. It was a beautiful night, crystallized in my memory as a single perfect moment suspended before the very likeness of God in the form of a pillar of solar flame.

But what happened two years later? What happened when someone a little older, wiser, with more money decided that Sheila should go away to Chile on an adventure climbing mountains? You can guess what happened. Sheila Perninsky, my lifetime friend and companion, told me to go fuck myself. Well fuck you Sheila! You're not even that good looking! When you break a man's heart you'd better rip it from his chest or suffer the consequences!

I am equally qualified for the position Sheila is applying for - and I know she applied because I snooped her email outbox from work, so don't even try to tell me she didn't - only I have one thing that Sheila cannot claim: Integrity. When I become a member of your corporate family I don't piss on your emotions and flush away fifteen years - fifteen years! - for some bullshit nobody asshole named Frederick Ungerland - I'm coming for you too fuckface Fred!

Please consider not hiring that bitch, Sheila Perninsky, because she's a whore and a liar and fuck her.

Thank you,

Nate Balding

Evening Doorman

2008-10-11T18:37:00.001-06:00

Do you like working in a nurturing, fast-paced environment with room for advancement? Look no further than the Heathman Hotel, in downtown Portland, Or. Named one of the "World's Best Places to Stay" by Condé Nast Traveler and one of the "500 Best Hotels in the World" by Travel + Leisure, The Heathman Hotel sets the standard for elegance and style. Our personalized attention to every guest's needs ensures an unforgettable stay in Portland.

The Heathman Hotel is looking for an energetic, outgoing person to represent our hotel. We are looking to fill the evening doorman position. Don’t miss this opportunity to wear our Beefeater uniform and work at one of the most unique hotels in Portland. You will need a valid driver’s license, a copy of your driving record, and pass a drug screening. The Heathman Hotel is consistently rated one of the premier boutique hotels in Portland. For more information on our property, visit www.heathmanhotel.com.

Ideal candidates would possess excellent customer service skills, fun & outgoing personalities, and willingness to tackle challenging tasks and responsibilities. Experience in customer service related fields is preferable. The shift will be from 3:00pm-11:00pm and you must work weekends. Flexibility in scheduling is a must.

Don’t miss out on this opportunity! We eagerly await your response. Interested applicants are welcome to apply personally, or reply to the e-mail address provided below (please provide resumes with response).

*****

Greetings Future Fellow Heathman Hotel Employee! I hope this fine day finds you in good health and high spirits.

I would like to apply for the job you've posted on Craigslist. Some things you should know about me in bullet point form:

*I am outgoing and energetic in every endeavor, whether it be a new job or a trip to the dentist!
*I am a highly functional individual and have almost no mental illness in my family history (Sorry Uncle Charlie, but you're not helping on this one!)
*I have a great deal of customer service experience and enjoy dealing with people very much!
*I'm willing to work for tips!
*I've never committed fraud!
*I will definitely NOT not wash my hands after number two (If you catch my drift!)

Here are some things that I'm looking for in you, also in bullet point form:

*You are kind
*You are funny
*You are not a terrorist
*You pay well, but not too well, as I prefer tips
*Underneath it all you're just a human being, just like me and everyone else, with emotions and cares and hopes and dreams and aspirations that you want to accomplish before you kick off this mortal coil and go to play with the angels

If we sound as much like a good fit to you as you sound to me, let me know! I'm eager to get myself a job so I can start drinking again.

Thanks so much!

Nate Balding

Balanced, Rewarding Sales Career Opportunity

2008-10-09T16:23:00.000-06:00

AFLAC - We are expanding our operations in the Portland Metro Area – Downtown/East Side location.

Aflac is a Fortune 200 company that strives for balance; balance between careers and family, work and play, individual effort and teamwork, accountability and a sense of purpose, to create a rewarding professional experience.

We currently have openings for qualified individuals for the following positions:

• Account Managers
• Trainers
• District Managers

We are looking for people oriented, energetic candidates who have a desire to work hard and earn an above average income. Backgrounds in Insurance, Sales, Human Resources, Teaching, Customer Service, Management, and bilingual skills are a plus, but not required!

The Aflac opportunity offers:

• No nights or weekend work or travel required.
• Classroom education and field training in all areas.
• No-limit income and financial rewards.
• Top commissions, including advance and residual income (50% vested
after 2 years!)
• Company-paid stock bonus plan.
• Awards, recognition, and trips.
• Management opportunities.

If you are new to our field, we will provide you the training to put you on a FAST START to the top. If you are experienced, we will give you the support to insure you rise to the TOP!

*****

Salutations friend!

What you offer is exactly what I seek! I've sought balance - true balance, mind you - for nearly my entire life. Following the deaths of both of my parents in a fiery car crash at the tender age of nine I was entrusted to an uncle whose work with Buddhism you might be familiar with: Steven Seagal ring any bells? He taught me to center myself, how to breathe, how to become the image of the Buddha beneath the tree and find the pathway to righteousness. He also taught me to break spines with several parts of my anatomy.

All that aside, I feel I would be a good candidate for any of your open positions, given my now natural ability to focus, lead, concentrate, focus, and lead. Without a doubt I am a candidate of extreme qualifications with plenty of experience. You need a hard worker? When I was under the tutelage of Uncle Steve I was worked like a dog or possibly horse day in and day out, training my muscles and mind to unlock the potentialities hidden within. You require energetic persons? How about someone whose gone ten rounds with a master of numerous martial arts as well as a high Buddhist priest? That takes stamina, energy and a will to succeed above all others. I am the iron fist of administrative abilities, fashioned to a sleek, hard-working, energetic sales associate. You did mention bilingual skills; something I actually don't have, unless you count the language of violence. I am very interested in no-limit income and financial rewards (Uncle Steven is remarkably stingy).

In conclusion, let me assure you that the balance I have discovered in my own life has led me to you, a company that prides itself on furthering, knowingly or not, the teachings of my greatest hero: The Buddha. I straddle the crevasse between rage and hope, trying to find a way through. And I think it might just be the Eightfold path of AFLAC.

Namaste,

Nate Balding

looking for competent work

2008-10-08T20:21:00.001-06:00

looking for competent work, email back for more details

*****

WELL SHIT I'M COMPETENT AS ALL FUCK MAN! I GOT COMPITENCE COMIN OUT MY ASS! U WANT TO HIRE ME OR ?

Pearly's Field Consultant

2008-10-08T20:19:00.000-06:00

Are you looking to make extra money in your spare time? Do you want to work from home and make your own hours? Do you want a piece of an 11 billion dollar industry? If so a Pearly's Field Consultant position may be for you.

As a Pearly's Field Consultant you will act as an independent sales representative responsible for scheduling on location Pearly's treatments and Pearly Parties in homes and businesses. For additional details on Pearly's Express and Pearly Parties select the Pearly's Express link above.

Successful candidates will have strong communication skills, personable, and have a strong desire to brighten people's smiles.

This is a commission-based position paid at a highly competitive rate.

Please contact Brad the Pearly's Operations Manager at 360-253-9787, brad@pearlys.com, or visit our store in the Vancouver Mall for additional details.

*****

Brad at Pearly's:

So you seek to hire a field consultant, eh? Well, look no further my good man, for it is I, your future employee calling from afar by way of electronic mailing system to answer the clarion you've trumpeted! You speak of parties thrown in the name of your employer, (I'm assuming he's taken the moniker Mr. Pearly, PhD), a subject to which I am a faithful return customer! It is the sullen rarity that does not fall under my Svengali gaze and whole-heartedly succumb to the lustful whim I bear for brightening the smiles of others! Especially the ladies, but occasionally the men, for I am neither a stranger to the Greek disease, though I hope you'll not hold that against me in our travels. Yes, sir, I am referring in veiled obfuscation to what your mind has certainly conjured in the meanwhile: My little soirees invariably end in the connubial satisfaction of all engaged parties! While you may peddle Mr. Pearly's fine wares, I peddle my own form of pearly good: organic with no assembly necessary! We could make a fortune, you and I - people are wont to do most anything following the spasmodic release of a good old fashioned orgasm. I should know, as it has been my business prior to induce them before cameras! It is only with the onset of late-stage HIV that I am unable to continue in my chosen profession and must seek new fine work to enjoy the lifestyle I've become accustomed to.

Pleased to meet you and, of course, grateful for your time. I'll expect to hear back from you shortly!

Sincerely,

Nate Balding

Team Leader

2008-10-08T20:15:00.000-06:00

Stash Tea Company is looking for a Team Leader to be a part of our packaging department.
Education and Work Experience:
High School Diploma required. A background in food related manufacturing of at least five years with two years as Team Leader or Line Lead. An ability to work in a fast paced work environment is required. Clear, concise and accurate verbal and written communication skills are a must. Strong basic math skills are a must. Candidate must be organized and have good problem solving skills.

Primary Purpose:
Support staff reporting to the Packaging Supervisor.
This position will organize and train staff in the methods of quality and
timely packaging while keeping the workload organized and the workplace
clean and safe.

Essential duties and Responsibilities:
Supervision of the production activities in the packaging area.
Ensure packaging quality.
Report equipment issues to the Packaging Supervisor.
Train employees in work methods and procedures.
Ensure all GMP policies are being followed.
Operate machines and equipment.
Maintain first aid/CPR certification.
Ensure inventory accuracy.

Other Duties and responsibilities:
Assist Packaging Supervisor with organizing and processing work orders.
Report personnel issues to Packaging Supervisor.
Cross train with other departments.
Assist supervisors and managers with the achievement of company goals.

Hours are: 7am - 5:30pm Monday - Thursday. Overtime may be required.

Please email or mail a cover letter, resume with salary history to:
Stash Tea Company
PO Box 910
Portland, OR 97207
attention: job posting

No phone calls, please.

*****

Dear Sir or Madam:

In regards to the Craigslist posting seeking a team leader, stop what you're doing right now and consider the following: I am an excellent team leader. It's true; I've led teams in the most dire of circumstances, traversing fields of potential mishaps with nary but my trusty rucksack and bayonet of excellent communication skills. I don't even have to read the requirements of the position for which I am applying, as the heading said it all: TEAM LEADER, a point on which I cannot stress how qualified I truly am. Have you ever been in the thick of battle, under the oppressive boot of a hostile takeover and forced to make sure every member of your office made it through to the next paycheck and beyond? Well I have. And I can tell you, it requires guts of steel - yet another characteristic I can boast with impugnity - and a railroad for a spine. You can't just back down when you have all of those people relying on your leadership; you must prevail, against all odds, when the bullets are ripping through space and the snap crack of corporate downsizing is stinging in your ears. Of course, I understand the necessity of moderation. I'm a very moderate man. Why, in the evenings when I take my glass of scotch I make sure never to drink so much that I will be unable to fulfill my husbandly duties; no, only enough to believe my aging wife's breasts are still beautiful - am I right, fellas?

Believe me, I put the Tea in TEAM. You won't be disappointed by the leadership I exude in spades. When the shit (pardon my French, please!) hits the fan, I'll be there, head first, diving into the muck and scum of the office underbelly, bringing every living soul under my watch through to the end.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Nate Balding, Team Leader