10 ladies needed to render various works/operations. The exact job explainations are complicated; Daily Assistant looks over prespective employees expertise to match placement. Reliable transportation, a clean driving record, a background check, and drug screening may be required. Daily Assistant was established in Denver, Colorado in 2008. We look foward to hiring you. Thanks!
*****
Dear Daily Assistant Hiring Authority:
So you need ten ladies. What you now need, my friend, is a lawyer. I have looked into it, and this paid daily prostitution scam you have going is leaking like a clay sieve full of butt water. You expect to simply post in the general Craigslist advertising section and not get noticed? Come on. You may as well have made the subject line "Ladies of the Night Enquire Within!"
It took a simple search and running a couple backgrounds on current "employees" to figure out exactly what your game was. Now, I know that you know that we both know that the expertise you're looking for comes in two types - foreign and fecal - and I'd like you to know that I know how to get through the little loopholes that will let you establish both, often at the same time, with nary a care for the legal repercussions. What kind of Law Wizard must I be to have these powers you ask? Well, the kind that keeps the company of convicts and yet maintains the ears of several judges around town.
In point of fact, I am a rather well known (and well endowed, legally speaking) judiciary to the criminally inclined. And there are arrangements that can be made to ensure that businesses such as yours maintain an air of respect even among the officials who would otherwise see you bankrupted behind bars. I am the hand that grasps the hands that hold the gavels and the grime alike, and if you would care to take my other hand we can create a circuit of fortune that will enable us both to find new riches in strange spaces.
If you've ever thought, "Where am I going to get a Guatemalan banana milker who's willing to glass bottom boat my fourteen year old son" then you have found the man who will make that connection happen. I simply ask that you provide me with two things: Access to your stock of redheaded Arab migrants and a pitch meeting with executives at the Syfy Channel. I think the former speaks for itself and the latter, well, let's just say that I feel I've got something with my original script for Unidentified Flying Corn on the Cobject. It's about space aliens who bond with Wisconsin corn fields to take over the planet!!!
But I'm taking all your time, and I'm sure you have pokers to heat and heroin needles to fill. I hope you find your ten mystery ladies soon, and I hope that I'm the man who gets to supply them. Let's make a pretty thing into a gorgeous gutter fox who'll let you give her the yellow tuxedo twice a day and never ask questions.
Sincerely,
Nate Balding
PS: I think that asking specifically for ladies may violate the Craigslist equal opportunity rules.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
WHY EXIT? WHY NOW?
WHY EXIT? WHY NOW?
ARE YOU READY TO IMPROVE YOUR PERFORMANCE IN 2010?
DO YOU WANT TO EARN MORE MONEY WITHOUT WORKING MORE HOURS?
WOULD YOU LIKE ONGOING HELP, SUPPORT AND COACHING?
EVER WONDER HOW TOP PRODUCERS DO IT AND MAKE IT LOOK SO EASY?
Every once and a while a new idea comes along that can change everything. Working at EXIT Realty means realizing a financial future never before available in our industry. Say good bye to desk fees, living pay check to pay check and sacrificing personal or family time just to compete. EXIT is the place where real estate agents can actually build an exciting and profitable business and not just work in one. We'll show you how to build a more profitable business and ease into a more financially secure retirement.
EXIT Realty Denver Tech Center is a fast growing real estate brokerage designed just for you! At EXIT we want our agents to live better, that's what our systems are designed for.
EXIT is now the 6th largest real estate company in North America with more than 40,00 agents coast to coast.
We are currently seeking high energy agents seeking to take their real estate careers to the next level.
NO DESK FEES !!!
EARN MORE THAN 100%
10% RESIDUALS (Piece Of The Action)
7 % RETIREMENT BENEFITS ( Piece of Mind)
5% BENEFICIARY BENEFITS
HEALTH CARE & 401K PLANS
EXIT is committed to growth of our agents with the industries best trainers and hands on mentoring and coaching.
We also offer...
*
FREE BUSINESS CARDS
*
FREE WEEKLY TRAINING - 14 CLASSES EACH MONTH
*
FREE VIRTUAL TOURS OF YOUR LISTINGS
*
FREE PROPERTY BROCHURES
*
FREE COLOR COPIES
*
SIGN & LOCK BOX INSTALLATION
*
PERSONAL WEB SITES
*
CONTACT MANAGMENT SYSTEM
If you have been considering a change, now's the time!
Stop wondering "What If?"
PRIVATE OFFICES AVAILABLE!
Call Marc Today!
303.790.7200
Free Sign Package When Joining EXIT In January!
Why EXIT? Why Now?
Live The Lifestyle Of Your Dreams!
Not Licensed? Attend our January 20th class "A Career in Real Estate"
*****
Why EXIT? Why NOT!?
Boy howdy, you fellas sure do sound like the type of gents that I'd like to be one day. Making money hand over fist, putting in the work and getting it back ten fold, no longer under the vitality destroying thrall of the eternal question "What if?"! That's the world I want for myself I do! I'm especially interested in the free business cards and color copies - you never know when you're gonna need one or the other, and when you do, MAN do you need a LOT! Glad handing just isn't the same if those hands aren't full of interestingly designed card stock bearing the name of the glad hander.
So, here's the questions that I have for you:
1) How DO the top producers do it and make it look so easy? Can I learn? I bet I can, and I bet it's simple!
2) I'm in a bit of a pickle lately. What kind of uses might an empty house offer me, space wise? I'm running low (my basement is filling up pretty fast), and occasionally need a place to store "items" that are, to put it delicately, rotting.
3) Is EXIT the kind of company that offers me dental benefits? I feel like I need to change my mouth, just in case.
4) 6th largest Real Estate company in North America - does this mean that I'll be able to change locations quickly and easily? I move around fairly often and would like to know I have some job security.
5) What is the policy on criminal background? I've been to prison a few times (sexual assault, indecent exposure, child molestation - you know, the hits), but I'm definitely cured now. Even my shrink says that the wet dreams I keep having are a result of a lack of maternal affection and not the feverish kinks of a rapist/murderer.
And, finally, number 6: How badly can I screw someone over in this business before I get sued? From what I understand, you can pretty much ruin an entire family financially before becoming legally responsible for your actions as a realtor.
Please get back to me - I'm not sure how much time I have.
Thanks!
Nate Balding
ARE YOU READY TO IMPROVE YOUR PERFORMANCE IN 2010?
DO YOU WANT TO EARN MORE MONEY WITHOUT WORKING MORE HOURS?
WOULD YOU LIKE ONGOING HELP, SUPPORT AND COACHING?
EVER WONDER HOW TOP PRODUCERS DO IT AND MAKE IT LOOK SO EASY?
Every once and a while a new idea comes along that can change everything. Working at EXIT Realty means realizing a financial future never before available in our industry. Say good bye to desk fees, living pay check to pay check and sacrificing personal or family time just to compete. EXIT is the place where real estate agents can actually build an exciting and profitable business and not just work in one. We'll show you how to build a more profitable business and ease into a more financially secure retirement.
EXIT Realty Denver Tech Center is a fast growing real estate brokerage designed just for you! At EXIT we want our agents to live better, that's what our systems are designed for.
EXIT is now the 6th largest real estate company in North America with more than 40,00 agents coast to coast.
We are currently seeking high energy agents seeking to take their real estate careers to the next level.
NO DESK FEES !!!
EARN MORE THAN 100%
10% RESIDUALS (Piece Of The Action)
7 % RETIREMENT BENEFITS ( Piece of Mind)
5% BENEFICIARY BENEFITS
HEALTH CARE & 401K PLANS
EXIT is committed to growth of our agents with the industries best trainers and hands on mentoring and coaching.
We also offer...
*
FREE BUSINESS CARDS
*
FREE WEEKLY TRAINING - 14 CLASSES EACH MONTH
*
FREE VIRTUAL TOURS OF YOUR LISTINGS
*
FREE PROPERTY BROCHURES
*
FREE COLOR COPIES
*
SIGN & LOCK BOX INSTALLATION
*
PERSONAL WEB SITES
*
CONTACT MANAGMENT SYSTEM
If you have been considering a change, now's the time!
Stop wondering "What If?"
PRIVATE OFFICES AVAILABLE!
Call Marc Today!
303.790.7200
Free Sign Package When Joining EXIT In January!
Why EXIT? Why Now?
Live The Lifestyle Of Your Dreams!
Not Licensed? Attend our January 20th class "A Career in Real Estate"
*****
Why EXIT? Why NOT!?
Boy howdy, you fellas sure do sound like the type of gents that I'd like to be one day. Making money hand over fist, putting in the work and getting it back ten fold, no longer under the vitality destroying thrall of the eternal question "What if?"! That's the world I want for myself I do! I'm especially interested in the free business cards and color copies - you never know when you're gonna need one or the other, and when you do, MAN do you need a LOT! Glad handing just isn't the same if those hands aren't full of interestingly designed card stock bearing the name of the glad hander.
So, here's the questions that I have for you:
1) How DO the top producers do it and make it look so easy? Can I learn? I bet I can, and I bet it's simple!
2) I'm in a bit of a pickle lately. What kind of uses might an empty house offer me, space wise? I'm running low (my basement is filling up pretty fast), and occasionally need a place to store "items" that are, to put it delicately, rotting.
3) Is EXIT the kind of company that offers me dental benefits? I feel like I need to change my mouth, just in case.
4) 6th largest Real Estate company in North America - does this mean that I'll be able to change locations quickly and easily? I move around fairly often and would like to know I have some job security.
5) What is the policy on criminal background? I've been to prison a few times (sexual assault, indecent exposure, child molestation - you know, the hits), but I'm definitely cured now. Even my shrink says that the wet dreams I keep having are a result of a lack of maternal affection and not the feverish kinks of a rapist/murderer.
And, finally, number 6: How badly can I screw someone over in this business before I get sued? From what I understand, you can pretty much ruin an entire family financially before becoming legally responsible for your actions as a realtor.
Please get back to me - I'm not sure how much time I have.
Thanks!
Nate Balding
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Tradeshow Assistant
Of note: NABE is the National Association for Bilingual Education.
*****
Looking for a Tradeshow Assistant to help manage and coordinate trade shows from start to finish. Need to have excellent communication skills and be very energetic. This will be for the NABE show located in Denver, CO Feb 3rd-6th 2010. If you are interested please e-mail us your resume along with a head shot photo.
Thank you so much for your interest,
*****
Shame there ain't a button I could press would start this letter off with the sigh that I'm sighing right about now. But geez Louise, things out there are tough on a cotton bustin' old Skipper like myself, landlocked and wondering where the good days off the coast of Alaska with a fleet of purse seiners hauling a few tons of fresh ass seafood a day, wind and sea whipping through my hair like it always did. But that's a young man's game.
Nate Balding's my name. Pleased to meet you.
2010 seems to be the year for change. Change of life, change of pace, change of direction. Forty years I sailed the Pacific, the Arctic and occasionally the Indian (when I wanted to stop into some third world country to test my mettle against whatever latest wonder they'd managed to turn a group of nubile sixteen year olds into - hot damn, but that my heart could still handle THAT rush!), scaling the waves as if mere hillocks of barest impedance as my ships tore across the ocean, taking what we would from her lush bosom, crawling as it was with fish and squid and beasts of the deep. They were good men who sailed with me. Even on the ill fated foray too far into Russian waters.
We were ten days out when the storm was upon us. We lost navigation and heaved too, letting the waters take us where they might, trying to fight through the high waves as they crashed beside us. Most of us made it through. God bless the souls of Dark Smitty (he was Black Irish) and Willie van Arem, dirty Dutch though he was. Weathered and worn, day broke nonetheless and we thanked Christ and our mothers that it had. Trouble was, we'd been up near waters laid just twenty miles out of Irkutsk and this was in the heyday of the Cold War. I don't have to tell you the trouble we'd run down when two Soviet boats were spotted just a ways off, heading our direction no doubt to take our skin and what remained of our lot.
Well, boyo, what do you think we did? God damn right we gave those dirty Pinko shitlickers a run for their money. We set to, full forward and cut the waves like banshee bitches on fire, we did. But it wasn't enough. They had bigger ships - real Navy ships, mind you - and they eventually overtook us. I and my crew spent a good three weeks locked up in our own feces, eating worthless Russkie bread and drinking dirty Russkie water. Until the day came and I watched one of the guard's head just burst, American bullets come zinging right through it.
That's right, son. I was God damn saved by the United States Special Forces. Never got my ships back, but I got new ships, and set out just as soon as I could, fishing up a damned storm.
What was I getting at...
Oh yes! I think you'll find my demeanor pleasant overall, though I refuse to accept any sort of hell from anyone ain't greater rank than myself, and that goes for you, too.
I'm also not fond of working with foreigners. Even the ones speak the language, don't do a good God damn if their accent sounds like someone scraped a cat over hellfire coals. What's this NABE stand for anyway?
That's my terms,
Nate Balding
*****
Looking for a Tradeshow Assistant to help manage and coordinate trade shows from start to finish. Need to have excellent communication skills and be very energetic. This will be for the NABE show located in Denver, CO Feb 3rd-6th 2010. If you are interested please e-mail us your resume along with a head shot photo.
Thank you so much for your interest,
*****
Shame there ain't a button I could press would start this letter off with the sigh that I'm sighing right about now. But geez Louise, things out there are tough on a cotton bustin' old Skipper like myself, landlocked and wondering where the good days off the coast of Alaska with a fleet of purse seiners hauling a few tons of fresh ass seafood a day, wind and sea whipping through my hair like it always did. But that's a young man's game.
Nate Balding's my name. Pleased to meet you.
2010 seems to be the year for change. Change of life, change of pace, change of direction. Forty years I sailed the Pacific, the Arctic and occasionally the Indian (when I wanted to stop into some third world country to test my mettle against whatever latest wonder they'd managed to turn a group of nubile sixteen year olds into - hot damn, but that my heart could still handle THAT rush!), scaling the waves as if mere hillocks of barest impedance as my ships tore across the ocean, taking what we would from her lush bosom, crawling as it was with fish and squid and beasts of the deep. They were good men who sailed with me. Even on the ill fated foray too far into Russian waters.
We were ten days out when the storm was upon us. We lost navigation and heaved too, letting the waters take us where they might, trying to fight through the high waves as they crashed beside us. Most of us made it through. God bless the souls of Dark Smitty (he was Black Irish) and Willie van Arem, dirty Dutch though he was. Weathered and worn, day broke nonetheless and we thanked Christ and our mothers that it had. Trouble was, we'd been up near waters laid just twenty miles out of Irkutsk and this was in the heyday of the Cold War. I don't have to tell you the trouble we'd run down when two Soviet boats were spotted just a ways off, heading our direction no doubt to take our skin and what remained of our lot.
Well, boyo, what do you think we did? God damn right we gave those dirty Pinko shitlickers a run for their money. We set to, full forward and cut the waves like banshee bitches on fire, we did. But it wasn't enough. They had bigger ships - real Navy ships, mind you - and they eventually overtook us. I and my crew spent a good three weeks locked up in our own feces, eating worthless Russkie bread and drinking dirty Russkie water. Until the day came and I watched one of the guard's head just burst, American bullets come zinging right through it.
That's right, son. I was God damn saved by the United States Special Forces. Never got my ships back, but I got new ships, and set out just as soon as I could, fishing up a damned storm.
What was I getting at...
Oh yes! I think you'll find my demeanor pleasant overall, though I refuse to accept any sort of hell from anyone ain't greater rank than myself, and that goes for you, too.
I'm also not fond of working with foreigners. Even the ones speak the language, don't do a good God damn if their accent sounds like someone scraped a cat over hellfire coals. What's this NABE stand for anyway?
That's my terms,
Nate Balding
Monday, December 21, 2009
Get To Work With The Colorado National Guard
The Opportunity of a lifetime. Tired of searching for a job? The National Guard has over 150 jobs RIGHT NOW.
Are you missing your Military benefits? Would you like to be able to earn your retirement? Don’t give up your military benefits! Check out the National Guard
No Prior service in the Military is required!
Don’t wait we are running out of room fast!
Incentives include:
1. 100% Tuition assistance up to $4500.00 a year.
2. 7500.00 all the way up to 20,000.00 dollar re-enlistment bonus.
3. Base privileges (PX, commissary, mwr ECT.)
4. Tri-care if now available for all National Guard soldiers and their families.
5. Dental benefits
6. Retirement for 20 years of service
7. Make over $200.00 dollars for two days of work STARTING.
8. Active Guard Reserve jobs are available to any National Guard soldier.
9. Twenty Year retirement
10.Montgomery GI bill and Kicker will put you through College for FREE
11. Start Officer Candidate school with as little as 60 College Credits
12. Up to $50,000 dollar Student Loan Re-payment
SOUNDS TO GOOD TO BE TRUE? ITS NOT! THERE'S MANY MORE
Don’t give up your service time or the rank you’re achieved, Make it count for you. This is a excellent part time job that you can count on during hard times to never lay your off. With as little as 10% of American companies offering a retirement plan you cannot afford to miss this opportunity!
FELONYS ARE NOT ACCEPTED
MORE THAN ONE MISDEMINORS NOT ACCEPTED
NON-PRIOR SERVICE AGE LIMITED TO 42
PRIOR SERVICE WILL USE TIME SERVED AGAINST THEIR AGE
17-42 years old.
US passport, Green Card, permanent resident and/or born in the US
Call me or E-mail me back.
SSG Jake Kuzma
Cell (303)827-9929
Office 720-250-2581
Jacob.Kuzma@gmail.com or
jacob.kuzma@us.army.mil
If you cannot reach me for any reason please call
SFC Erik Cruz
Office 719-232-5159
erik.L.cruz@us.army.mil
National Guard Recruiter
*****
Sir yes Sir!
I've always wanted all the benefits of military service without any of the actual work or war! Man, what a sweet ass deal you National Guardsmen (are they all men? Is it Guardsmen/women? Or Guards/wo/men?) have! Dental, man. Fucking dental! You know when I last had dental insurance? In the motha' fuckin' joint! Don't worry, it was just a misdemeanor. I guess the misdeminors you were referring to are slightly worse than that?
Anyway, just a DUI. I mean, who doesn't have one of those, right? Especially in the National Guard. The Joint Chief of that branch has totally got to be the fattest, drunkest guy on the Staff, right? You're like the couch potatoes of the American military! Dude, don't get me wrong, that's fucking awesome. Do some drills, get your pay, hit the college (where the chicks are either dumb or roofied, am I right?!), then head off to my parents' basement to dust some n00bs in Modern Warfare 2.
Fucking. Killer.
So, what exactly IS the deal with the Nash G's? Like, is there basic training and shit? Because I got a Presidential Fitness medal in sixth grade, so I figure I can probz skip that joint. Seems like a motherfucker of a hassle, too. Some dude yelling at you with an accent so weird you can barely make out what he's saying, telling you to drop and give him twenty and stand with absolutely correct posture. Sounds like some Arab Sheik who just bought a harem of fourteen year old Estonian girls who thought they were heading off to live the American dream and somehow ended up sucking a sand-jockey's dirty dong.
And srsly, bro, fuck that noise hard with a sharp stick.
Anyway, let me know if you're still hiring, because I think I would be great at not being in the army but totally getting the benefits.
Czech ya' later, "Sarge"!
-Nate Balding
Are you missing your Military benefits? Would you like to be able to earn your retirement? Don’t give up your military benefits! Check out the National Guard
No Prior service in the Military is required!
Don’t wait we are running out of room fast!
Incentives include:
1. 100% Tuition assistance up to $4500.00 a year.
2. 7500.00 all the way up to 20,000.00 dollar re-enlistment bonus.
3. Base privileges (PX, commissary, mwr ECT.)
4. Tri-care if now available for all National Guard soldiers and their families.
5. Dental benefits
6. Retirement for 20 years of service
7. Make over $200.00 dollars for two days of work STARTING.
8. Active Guard Reserve jobs are available to any National Guard soldier.
9. Twenty Year retirement
10.Montgomery GI bill and Kicker will put you through College for FREE
11. Start Officer Candidate school with as little as 60 College Credits
12. Up to $50,000 dollar Student Loan Re-payment
SOUNDS TO GOOD TO BE TRUE? ITS NOT! THERE'S MANY MORE
Don’t give up your service time or the rank you’re achieved, Make it count for you. This is a excellent part time job that you can count on during hard times to never lay your off. With as little as 10% of American companies offering a retirement plan you cannot afford to miss this opportunity!
FELONYS ARE NOT ACCEPTED
MORE THAN ONE MISDEMINORS NOT ACCEPTED
NON-PRIOR SERVICE AGE LIMITED TO 42
PRIOR SERVICE WILL USE TIME SERVED AGAINST THEIR AGE
17-42 years old.
US passport, Green Card, permanent resident and/or born in the US
Call me or E-mail me back.
SSG Jake Kuzma
Cell (303)827-9929
Office 720-250-2581
Jacob.Kuzma@gmail.com or
jacob.kuzma@us.army.mil
If you cannot reach me for any reason please call
SFC Erik Cruz
Office 719-232-5159
erik.L.cruz@us.army.mil
National Guard Recruiter
*****
Sir yes Sir!
I've always wanted all the benefits of military service without any of the actual work or war! Man, what a sweet ass deal you National Guardsmen (are they all men? Is it Guardsmen/women? Or Guards/wo/men?) have! Dental, man. Fucking dental! You know when I last had dental insurance? In the motha' fuckin' joint! Don't worry, it was just a misdemeanor. I guess the misdeminors you were referring to are slightly worse than that?
Anyway, just a DUI. I mean, who doesn't have one of those, right? Especially in the National Guard. The Joint Chief of that branch has totally got to be the fattest, drunkest guy on the Staff, right? You're like the couch potatoes of the American military! Dude, don't get me wrong, that's fucking awesome. Do some drills, get your pay, hit the college (where the chicks are either dumb or roofied, am I right?!), then head off to my parents' basement to dust some n00bs in Modern Warfare 2.
Fucking. Killer.
So, what exactly IS the deal with the Nash G's? Like, is there basic training and shit? Because I got a Presidential Fitness medal in sixth grade, so I figure I can probz skip that joint. Seems like a motherfucker of a hassle, too. Some dude yelling at you with an accent so weird you can barely make out what he's saying, telling you to drop and give him twenty and stand with absolutely correct posture. Sounds like some Arab Sheik who just bought a harem of fourteen year old Estonian girls who thought they were heading off to live the American dream and somehow ended up sucking a sand-jockey's dirty dong.
And srsly, bro, fuck that noise hard with a sharp stick.
Anyway, let me know if you're still hiring, because I think I would be great at not being in the army but totally getting the benefits.
Czech ya' later, "Sarge"!
-Nate Balding
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Yet Another Response?
I'm not sure if the recent successes means that I'm getting better or worse at concocting fake cover letters. In any case, here's response number two for two, this time for the apartment maintenance technician.
*****
Nate,
What an entertaining email! If you are serious about a position with MAXX, please submit a resume or contact information and I will call you to discuss the position and your qualifications.
Ronda
*****
So, I guess the lesson being learned here is that if you want a job, just write crazy made up shit and, if your potential employer laughs at it, they'll want to hire you.
So no more serious cover letters, people. It only gets in the way of your future.
*****
Nate,
What an entertaining email! If you are serious about a position with MAXX, please submit a resume or contact information and I will call you to discuss the position and your qualifications.
Ronda
*****
So, I guess the lesson being learned here is that if you want a job, just write crazy made up shit and, if your potential employer laughs at it, they'll want to hire you.
So no more serious cover letters, people. It only gets in the way of your future.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Hi-rise Apartment Maintenance Tech
Experienced Apartment Maintenance Tech
MAXX Properties
300 East Seventeenth Apartments
300 E 17th Ave
Denver, 80203
Must have at least 3 years of apartment maintenance experience, high rise preferred. Experience in boilers, heat pumps, basic elevator knowledge and fan motor maintenance are required. Work orders, make readys and great customer service experience.
Competitive pay plus medical and dental benefits, paid time-off, 401(k) and other benefits offered.
*****
Lemme guess, you're operating with one of those EV2600 models of elevator and the drive shaft on the portal entrance side is tacking up and making a grinding noise every time it lifts a story? Yeah, thought so.
The name's Balding, and apartment maintenance is my business. And not just apartments, no sir! Pretty much anything that swings, sinks, drinks or stinks, I'm the man for the job. Yeah, I've seen my fair share of the ups and downs in the maintenance biz - once saw a boiler set well past the thermometer's endemic safety module go all hot water balloon and burst up, taking a buddy of mine with it. God damn it, El Puerco, you'll be missed. Many are the times that these old eyes feel the salty caress of a teary sheen. I still remember to light the candle in the old church for his mother every April 3rd and to roast the carnitas until they're that perfect combination of sweet and tender before feeding them to Puerco's orphaned Golden Retriever, Ken.
But enough of that - you and I both know that getting into this business is a hell not worth going through if you don't have to, and that those who have The Touch can't help themselves a god damned bit once they've absorbed the ebullient perfume of rigging a simple PX38 model heating pump to a wide-nozzle S-ST200 with a bit of wire and some duct tape, rotating the bosom gear a tenth of a degree and spinning the plate back from hot to cold and turning that ventilation system into a well oiled machines ready to heat the whole damn building off a few dollars a day. Nope, once you've hit that spot, you're down for the count my friend. But you'd know that, you're the man with the ad.
So what say you and me start a beautiful relationship? There's a lot more in this world to see and do, and a lot more apartment buildings to spit polish into a shit pile that just fucking works, even though a lot o' the time it don't look like much. Let's his the sunset at an open stride, tearing into those walls and gutting those pipes like they were a spread of Trout freshly pulled from an Alaskan stream.
I don't think you'll find a better man for the job - not even zombie El Puerco.
Sincerely,
Nate Balding
MAXX Properties
300 East Seventeenth Apartments
300 E 17th Ave
Denver, 80203
Must have at least 3 years of apartment maintenance experience, high rise preferred. Experience in boilers, heat pumps, basic elevator knowledge and fan motor maintenance are required. Work orders, make readys and great customer service experience.
Competitive pay plus medical and dental benefits, paid time-off, 401(k) and other benefits offered.
*****
Lemme guess, you're operating with one of those EV2600 models of elevator and the drive shaft on the portal entrance side is tacking up and making a grinding noise every time it lifts a story? Yeah, thought so.
The name's Balding, and apartment maintenance is my business. And not just apartments, no sir! Pretty much anything that swings, sinks, drinks or stinks, I'm the man for the job. Yeah, I've seen my fair share of the ups and downs in the maintenance biz - once saw a boiler set well past the thermometer's endemic safety module go all hot water balloon and burst up, taking a buddy of mine with it. God damn it, El Puerco, you'll be missed. Many are the times that these old eyes feel the salty caress of a teary sheen. I still remember to light the candle in the old church for his mother every April 3rd and to roast the carnitas until they're that perfect combination of sweet and tender before feeding them to Puerco's orphaned Golden Retriever, Ken.
But enough of that - you and I both know that getting into this business is a hell not worth going through if you don't have to, and that those who have The Touch can't help themselves a god damned bit once they've absorbed the ebullient perfume of rigging a simple PX38 model heating pump to a wide-nozzle S-ST200 with a bit of wire and some duct tape, rotating the bosom gear a tenth of a degree and spinning the plate back from hot to cold and turning that ventilation system into a well oiled machines ready to heat the whole damn building off a few dollars a day. Nope, once you've hit that spot, you're down for the count my friend. But you'd know that, you're the man with the ad.
So what say you and me start a beautiful relationship? There's a lot more in this world to see and do, and a lot more apartment buildings to spit polish into a shit pile that just fucking works, even though a lot o' the time it don't look like much. Let's his the sunset at an open stride, tearing into those walls and gutting those pipes like they were a spread of Trout freshly pulled from an Alaskan stream.
I don't think you'll find a better man for the job - not even zombie El Puerco.
Sincerely,
Nate Balding
Saturday, December 12, 2009
At Last, I Am Taken Srsly!
After my last post, I received a personalized message regarding the humor of my cover letter and asking that I not jump to conclusions about business practices while angry. And now you can read that response for yourself!
*****
Nate:
You found your man. If this job opening was for a writer, you would be hired. But its not. As an employee, you can either pick a full time position or a part time position not both at the same time (its one position available).
If you like to get more information about this company, please feel free to visit www.prmdcolorado.com. Also, our job is to HELP, not to cheat individuals. So before you begin to judge anyone, please put your anger aside and educate yourself.
My responsibility is to offer a position to any individual who is in need. So my friend, please do not waste your time reading craigslist ads, because you sound like you are too perfect for any job.
Regards
Your new friend Frankie
*****
Thanks Frankie. And he's right. I AM too perfect for any job. But that will not deter me! My will is strong! I feel the surging tide of my ancestral blood within me; the scent of blood and battle snaking through my limbs! I will be stalwart in my search, and the truth which lies behind the reality of my overt awesomeness will result in the discovery of a perfect job that is just for me!
Excelsiooooorrrrr!!!!
*****
Nate:
You found your man. If this job opening was for a writer, you would be hired. But its not. As an employee, you can either pick a full time position or a part time position not both at the same time (its one position available).
If you like to get more information about this company, please feel free to visit www.prmdcolorado.com. Also, our job is to HELP, not to cheat individuals. So before you begin to judge anyone, please put your anger aside and educate yourself.
My responsibility is to offer a position to any individual who is in need. So my friend, please do not waste your time reading craigslist ads, because you sound like you are too perfect for any job.
Regards
Your new friend Frankie
*****
Thanks Frankie. And he's right. I AM too perfect for any job. But that will not deter me! My will is strong! I feel the surging tide of my ancestral blood within me; the scent of blood and battle snaking through my limbs! I will be stalwart in my search, and the truth which lies behind the reality of my overt awesomeness will result in the discovery of a perfect job that is just for me!
Excelsiooooorrrrr!!!!
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