Saturday, February 27, 2010

General Assistant

10 ladies needed to render various works/operations. The exact job explainations are complicated; Daily Assistant looks over prespective employees expertise to match placement. Reliable transportation, a clean driving record, a background check, and drug screening may be required. Daily Assistant was established in Denver, Colorado in 2008. We look foward to hiring you. Thanks!


Dear Daily Assistant Hiring Authority:

So you need ten ladies. What you now need, my friend, is a lawyer. I have looked into it, and this paid daily prostitution scam you have going is leaking like a clay sieve full of butt water. You expect to simply post in the general Craigslist advertising section and not get noticed? Come on. You may as well have made the subject line "Ladies of the Night Enquire Within!"

It took a simple search and running a couple backgrounds on current "employees" to figure out exactly what your game was. Now, I know that you know that we both know that the expertise you're looking for comes in two types - foreign and fecal - and I'd like you to know that I know how to get through the little loopholes that will let you establish both, often at the same time, with nary a care for the legal repercussions. What kind of Law Wizard must I be to have these powers you ask? Well, the kind that keeps the company of convicts and yet maintains the ears of several judges around town.

In point of fact, I am a rather well known (and well endowed, legally speaking) judiciary to the criminally inclined. And there are arrangements that can be made to ensure that businesses such as yours maintain an air of respect even among the officials who would otherwise see you bankrupted behind bars. I am the hand that grasps the hands that hold the gavels and the grime alike, and if you would care to take my other hand we can create a circuit of fortune that will enable us both to find new riches in strange spaces.

If you've ever thought, "Where am I going to get a Guatemalan banana milker who's willing to glass bottom boat my fourteen year old son" then you have found the man who will make that connection happen. I simply ask that you provide me with two things: Access to your stock of redheaded Arab migrants and a pitch meeting with executives at the Syfy Channel. I think the former speaks for itself and the latter, well, let's just say that I feel I've got something with my original script for Unidentified Flying Corn on the Cobject. It's about space aliens who bond with Wisconsin corn fields to take over the planet!!!

But I'm taking all your time, and I'm sure you have pokers to heat and heroin needles to fill. I hope you find your ten mystery ladies soon, and I hope that I'm the man who gets to supply them. Let's make a pretty thing into a gorgeous gutter fox who'll let you give her the yellow tuxedo twice a day and never ask questions.


Nate Balding

PS: I think that asking specifically for ladies may violate the Craigslist equal opportunity rules.