Friday, November 28, 2008

Deputy District Attorney

Southern Colorado (Alamosa and the San Luis Valley) seeking qualified applicants for Deputy District Attorney position for the 12th Judicial District. Immediate hands on experience with all aspects of County and District Court. Great opportunity for the right applicant. Must be licensed to practice law in Colorado by January 13, 2009. Salary DOE. Please send cover letter, resume and references to: or mail to David Mahonee, P.O. Box 321, Alamosa, CO 81101.
Must be received before 12/31/1008.
Start date 1/13/2009.


Well howdy do Sirs! (I assume you are men, as women cannot practice law in this state, though I suppose you may be a secretary or some such person reading this in lieu of your definitely male superior...)

I am a well qualified man who, though I currently do not have a license to practice law in the state of Colorado and currently reside in Oregon, wishes to obtain a high-paying position inside your legal organization as Deputy District Attorney. I have only one pertinent question: Is it cool if I wear a tuxedo every day to work? It is the one caveat under which I have operated throughout my entire adult life. I refuse to dress in anything save a beautiful coal-colored tuxedo with a red bow-tie. There is, in fact, no finer garment on Earth.

I'll bet you're wondering how a man like myself will have obtained a law degree before the date mentioned in your Craigslist posting (did I read that correctly? Craigslist posting for Deputy District Attorney?). Again, gentlemen, I must refer you to my gallant tuxedo. Have you ever seen a man in a tuxedo fail? I don't believe you have. A man with an effete tuxedo flourish over his manly physique will invariably manage to complete whatever task has beset him and I am no different from this image of Brosnan-era-Bond perfection, except in that I am more like Remington-Steel-era-Brosnan-aged.

I hope you'll grant me the opportunity to display both my adequate legal mind and my wonderful series of coal-colored tuxedos with a red bow-tie.

Thank you,

Nate Balding

Monday, November 17, 2008

Subway Now Hiring Managers - Crew {Denver Edition}

Subway restaurant in Broomfield near the Flatirons mall is now hiring for ALL positions and shifts. Flexible hours, competitive wages, paid vacation and free meals and uniforms.
Please email a reply or call Brenda or Jenny to schedule an interview.
Brenda 720.363.9948
Jenny 303.257.8609



Five dollar!

Five dollar foot long! Yeah yeah yeah yeah!

Oh my god I love your sandwiches! I eat Subway probably, what, every day? Yeah, pretty much every day. That song you guys play on the ads? The footlong song? I hear that probably like all the time mostly. It just gets stuck in my head and I'm rockin' it probably like all the rest of the day. Like the whole thing. It just gets in there and plays again and again and eventually I'm like, hey, I need some Subway! And then I buy a sandwich and it's probably like the greatest sandwich I've ever had, like, every time. You wouldn't believe it. Or maybe you would, because, like, you probably eat Subway all the time too, since if you work there it's probably free, but if I worked there I would probably pay for it anyway because, hey, you have to make money, right? Everybody does. Which brings me to this: I need a job. I love Subway. If we could see a way to combining these two things into one I love my job at Subway, then that would probably be the best thing probably ever. I could totally invent new sandwiches too. Picture this: Cheese covered bread filled with bacon, mayonnaise, jalapenos, more bacon, honey, lettuce, marrow, over-easy egg. Fucking awesome, right? Right. Probably like just the best sandwich ever made, totes cereal. So you should probably hire me.


Nate Balding

PS: That sandwich is totally copyrighted now so don't, like, steal it or whatever.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Space Available for Hair Designer in Victorian House

New space available and for rent for hair designer/color specialist at Colour Theory in Happy Valley on 132nd and Sunnyside. The space available for you and your customers is on the main floor of a two story Victorian home. Please leave a message for Gina at 503-698-3091 or reply to this email.

Thank you.


Spooktacular autumn to you and your ghoul fiends!

I am a medium of ghastly style, a specialist in conjuring through one's hair the darkness that lies within them. I seek only to find the perfect haven of horror to practice my black crafts - a place where once murder was the midnight meal and the wanderings of spirits can be heard through the creaking floors and seen through the misty attic windows. I want to learn more about this home. Is it truly spooky enough to engender the secret knowledge of the Old Ones? Has there been any mystical activity recently? Are you in fact a gruesome succubus luring innocents into your domain in order to drain from them youth and beauty (That would truly be masterful irony!)?

A little about me: I LOVE Halloween so so so much and never want it to end. Vincent Price and Elvira are my soulless-mate heroes. I've been living inside the bell jar of dark eyeliner and even blacker thoughts since I was sixteen years old and have no plans to change. Having little else to do besides smoke pot and style my own hair in numerous ways, I've developed a grand but controversial ability to bring forth the lunatics living inside all people, using only their hair and the occasional applique of a whole lot of makeup and some face paint. I could do brisk business, but really seeing the good people of the world transformed into the grotesque monsters they really are is all the payment I need. (Kidding, of course. I charge. A lot.)

If you're house is the creepy mansion of an era long past, filled with the specters of unreality and the will-o-wisps of cruel intention, then I would be frighteningly glad to buy in.

Yours in Hell,

Nate 'The Black God' Balding