Monday, July 26, 2010

Great Personalities Wanted

Here, have another look into the darkness that is true life. It is worth noting that when I went to their website it asked you to send your email to the Outrageous People Development department.


Smiling Moose Deli, a home-grown Colorado company, is currently looking for outgoing people to fill Full and Part Time Cashier, Cook, and Supervisor positions in our Louisville, Westminster, Denver, and Centennial locations. We will hire for personality and train for skill, so experience isn't necessary but a positive attititude is a must.

Please attach a resume if responding by email, or apply in person after 2pm. Applications are available for download at



I'm a real cut up looking for a job in Louisville and you sound like a great place to work! I've been in a technical field for a number of years and am working on transitioning to something more hands on and customer service oriented. Being an AV Tech is just about the loneliest darn thing you can do and by God I love me some people. I'm a long time deli enthusiast looking to make some sandwiches and scorch
some soups, all in the name of Best Lunch Ever. There's really nothing I've not been good at, so if you're looking to challenge someone to a contest of deli wills, I'm your man. We can up the ante and make it a bet, but I guess you're not located in Black Hawk so it might be a little off the ledger, so to speak. I have worked in kitchens before and run a full service shop inside the Children's Museum in Denver that was a high paced one man operation, so I'm aware of the level of work required. I'm also used to the stress of making things happen on the spot and solving problems using whatever is at hand while smiling and providing the highest possible customer care I can. I've attached my resume and would like to thank you for the time you've taken to peruse it and hope to hear from you soon.


Nate Balding

PS Oh, and if you need the application filled out in addition to a resume let me know and I'll get that right to you.


Retroactive thoughts on working for these monsters: Fuck you Smiling Moose. Doubly if you hire me.

God I hope they don't find this website.

Salad/Deli Prep Cook

Well, I just broke down the wall between life and humor. And not on purpose. The following is a cover letter that I wrote with no comedic intention at all and then sent away following a litany of template-like cover letters to people that will probably not call me back. Enjoy.


Need a Salad / Deli Prep Cook.

Candidate must have ...
Positive attitude
Team Demeanor
7 day a week availability
Strong work ethic
High energy

In return we offer Vacation, Sick, Holiday pay, and Health Benefits.

Please Send Resume to


Hiring Authority:

I am a longtime deli enthusiast looking to change careers and begin working in a place I can whole heartedly get behind. For a number of years I've worked in a technical position and I can no longer stomach the loneliness and get-together nerdery that accompanies it. (I can, of course, stomach delicious sandwiches). I want to be part of a team and have enjoyed the times when I did work in a kitchen - though a number of years ago and no longer present on my resume - and would love the opportunity to join yours and prep prep prep away! My availability is wide open, I can start tomorrow and I don't have any children or academic aspirations to hold me back from being the best employee I can possibly be. I think that hiring me would be a wise decision as I've been good at everything I've ever done. I hope you don't like disappointment, because it is no longer in your future.

Attached is my resume,

Nate Balding


Somebody please give me a job. I am a wonderful employee and you won't be disappointed until the first time I come to work stinking of whiskey.