Monday, July 26, 2010

Great Personalities Wanted

Here, have another look into the darkness that is true life. It is worth noting that when I went to their website it asked you to send your email to the Outrageous People Development department.


Smiling Moose Deli, a home-grown Colorado company, is currently looking for outgoing people to fill Full and Part Time Cashier, Cook, and Supervisor positions in our Louisville, Westminster, Denver, and Centennial locations. We will hire for personality and train for skill, so experience isn't necessary but a positive attititude is a must.

Please attach a resume if responding by email, or apply in person after 2pm. Applications are available for download at



I'm a real cut up looking for a job in Louisville and you sound like a great place to work! I've been in a technical field for a number of years and am working on transitioning to something more hands on and customer service oriented. Being an AV Tech is just about the loneliest darn thing you can do and by God I love me some people. I'm a long time deli enthusiast looking to make some sandwiches and scorch
some soups, all in the name of Best Lunch Ever. There's really nothing I've not been good at, so if you're looking to challenge someone to a contest of deli wills, I'm your man. We can up the ante and make it a bet, but I guess you're not located in Black Hawk so it might be a little off the ledger, so to speak. I have worked in kitchens before and run a full service shop inside the Children's Museum in Denver that was a high paced one man operation, so I'm aware of the level of work required. I'm also used to the stress of making things happen on the spot and solving problems using whatever is at hand while smiling and providing the highest possible customer care I can. I've attached my resume and would like to thank you for the time you've taken to peruse it and hope to hear from you soon.


Nate Balding

PS Oh, and if you need the application filled out in addition to a resume let me know and I'll get that right to you.


Retroactive thoughts on working for these monsters: Fuck you Smiling Moose. Doubly if you hire me.

God I hope they don't find this website.

Salad/Deli Prep Cook

Well, I just broke down the wall between life and humor. And not on purpose. The following is a cover letter that I wrote with no comedic intention at all and then sent away following a litany of template-like cover letters to people that will probably not call me back. Enjoy.


Need a Salad / Deli Prep Cook.

Candidate must have ...
Positive attitude
Team Demeanor
7 day a week availability
Strong work ethic
High energy

In return we offer Vacation, Sick, Holiday pay, and Health Benefits.

Please Send Resume to


Hiring Authority:

I am a longtime deli enthusiast looking to change careers and begin working in a place I can whole heartedly get behind. For a number of years I've worked in a technical position and I can no longer stomach the loneliness and get-together nerdery that accompanies it. (I can, of course, stomach delicious sandwiches). I want to be part of a team and have enjoyed the times when I did work in a kitchen - though a number of years ago and no longer present on my resume - and would love the opportunity to join yours and prep prep prep away! My availability is wide open, I can start tomorrow and I don't have any children or academic aspirations to hold me back from being the best employee I can possibly be. I think that hiring me would be a wise decision as I've been good at everything I've ever done. I hope you don't like disappointment, because it is no longer in your future.

Attached is my resume,

Nate Balding


Somebody please give me a job. I am a wonderful employee and you won't be disappointed until the first time I come to work stinking of whiskey.


Monday, June 21, 2010


Rockin’ Media is looking for an experienced photographer to work in the Denver Metro Area. This is NOT a portrait photography position. Qualified applicant must have hands-on, professional photography experience and be proficient in Adobe Photoshop. Videographer/Premiere Pro experience a plus. We are a pc shop, so you need pc experience – not just Mac..

This position is currently part time, but could grow quickly to full time. Must have flexible work schedule, be relatively “on-call”. You must have reliable transportation, a good driving record and valid Colorado Drivers license. Must have good people skills and deal well with ambiguity.

Compensation varies based on project and skill level. This is a W-2 employee and not a subcontractor position. You will have a thorough background check, and drug test. References will be checked.

Please send resume, income requirements, available start date and professional references to If any of the prior items are not included, you will not be considered for this position. Please no calls.


Check this out!

My portfolio! Yeah, that's a picture. No, I didn't take it. So why am I showing it to you? Because this is the kind of iconic stuff that I do. Remember that image of the Simpson's doing the very same thing as the Beatles? I had that idea. Someone else got to it, sure, but I had the idea one time like forever ago. Oh, and how about that album cover I shot? Yeah son! That's how you photograph two hands and an ass! I mean, that's how I would do it if that was my work! But that band is totally from before I was even born, so how am I supposed to take that picture? Time travel? Sorry, bud, but that's fucking impossible. Maybe if you dropped less acid and spent about two or three seconds in REALITY you'd know that.


Okay, I'm getting off track. What I want to say is that I'm looking for a job as a photographer and I'm pretty damn good. If you Google my name you'll find, like, a bunch of great stuff that will basically totally blow your barely legal mind. It blows mine all the time! You remember when David Copperfield made the Statute of Liberty disappear? Like how much that blew your mind, multiply that by ten, then multiply it by ten again then add fifty and divide by six but then multiply by ten yet again and you'll be in the ballpark where I'm at bat pointing off into the stands in a way that implies I can, by will alone, define the trajectory of the ball that you're pitching that is also my photography skills. Let's look at another piece I did.

I know what you're thinking. Mona Lisa? Maaaan, that is so 1503. But that's why I'm so good, I psyche you out! Make you think you're getting a lesson in Renaissance masters and then out of nowhere, WHAM! You get the image that inspired the murder of Elizabeth Short, AKA the Black Dahlia, AKA the reason that I'm the guy that's gonna make the photographs for you because you don't know where I'm even coming from! I might be in the studio right now, hiding behind a copy machine, just waiting to pop out with a bad flash bulb and snap some shots of life as we know it that'll win us all Peabodies!

Yeah man. Peabodies. Maybe Nobels. Maybe even the Stanley Cup.

That's just me, man. You don't know what you're going to get. I'm the wild card, the pocket Ace, the burnt orange heresy and you're the conductor of this win train.

So what do you say? Are we in or are we out? Because I've got an appointment with fame, my man, and right now you're standing in front of the door.

See you in the spotlight,

Nate Balding

Monday, June 7, 2010

Internet Sales Position Available!! Too many leads!!

Hello! This is a newly created internet sales position.
We are still looking for a few more superstars! Stop in Today! Positions are filling fast! We are also hiring for service technicians!
Do you want to start the new year with an opportunity to work for the best in automobile sales? Ed Bozarth Chevrolet is in need for sales people to fill immediate openings! We have positions available in both Denver stores. No experience? We will train you! We are dedicated to developing hard working individuals and are committed to your personal development and success! We have the BEST pay plans in the industry and great benefits you will absolutely enjoy! I took this opportunity 2 years ago and it has changed my life! Let's set up a time so we can get to know each other. We truly do promote from within and reward people that work to be successful. Millions of Dollars in inventory just waiting to be sold! I will personally give you the training and the tools to be successful. We have the best products on the market with a many new to be released this year!
Must have a clean driving record. Some sales experience would be great but not required. Please make sure to include or bring in your resume.

*Excellent Pay Plans
*Paid Time Off
*Company Demo vehicle!
*Flexible Schedules
*Professional Training
*401K Plans
*Opportunity For Advancement
*Employee Discounts
*Other Positions Are Available

Please, email your resume, stop in or call! Call me, Edward Sams, 3038582416-office. I will set up a time that works best for you to discuss this opportunity! Even if you work in the industry and just wondered what it would be like to work for the best, call! You can also email me at Do not wait any longer to seize this opportunity! Stop in the store, 8351 Parkway Drive, Lone Tree, Co. 80124. Just 4 blocks west of Park Meadows Mall off county line road. Ed Bozarth Chevrolet wants you! Even if this ad is not for you, pass it on to someone and it can change their life too! Hiring for sales and service!!

Hiring Organization: Ed Bozarth Chevrolet, 3038582416-office,


Too many leads? I make too many sales!!!

Listen friend, this is the opportunity of your lifetime! I am an outgoing (very!) guy who is committed to putting dollars in both your pockets and mine! I'm so damned committed the only way I can talk about my commitment level is to use as many exclamation points as possible! Hell, I don't even know what a period is!!!

Now, I wasn't born a Chevy man - no sir! I was born (and conceived!) in the back seat of a Pontiac Le Mans outside Niagara on a Honeymoon to end 'em all, chum, and I still have that car in my backyard set up on a quadrant of cinder blocks! Now my next car, it wasn't a Chevy either - no sir! I bought myself a shiny new (used!) Toyota Camry, which served me well for a real long time! But then - then I discovered the cherry baby that would make me into the French name speaking loyal Knight in the Service of Chevrolet that I am today! I bought a 1995 Chevy Impala, kicked the tires and named it Mary and I never looked back (except of course when using the rear view mirror!)! And from there on out, fella, I gotta tell ya' (I'm a poet and I don't even know it!) I was hooked - hooked! - on Chevy!

So you can rest assured that when I say, maaaan do I love a good Chevy to some unsuspecting customer and that sumbitch looks at me with his prying eye and asks himself, "Is this man certifiable or are these cars just the best thing he's ever encountered in his whole bedeviled life?" I can stare right back into the cold abyss of some joker's mid life crisis and utter the following sentence with the assured courage of a pack of lion's prepped to dismember a Christian: "My man, buying this car is going to turn your world into a pussy fucking funhouse!"


Can you feel it? I got the feeling! I got it in me real bad professor and I need to let it out! I need to sell! sell! sell! like I'm a gerbil in the world's biggest terrarium and the only thing that will send me that cocaine laced food pellet is if I move ten more units by the day's end and it's four thirty already and the sun is setting on the lot but by god I've got a job to do and if this is the way it all ends, well, hell, pal, let's have a dance with the devil and see if his knife really cuts that deep!!

So there you go, that's me in a nutshell - or should I say nut"sell," eh?!

Do YOU have what it TAKES to give ME the opportunity to MAKE US BOTH very, VERY rich?!

Balls in your court man, but I think I know you pretty well by now! I know that you've got the stones hangin' deep down those slacks and to the right and there ain't a man on your team who's gonna go the extra fifteen hundred miles to make this the premier Chevy dealer not only in the city; not only in the state; not only in the country; not only on this planet; no! We'll be the premier Chevy dealer in the ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE!!!

Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?!?!?!



Nate Balding

PS: !!!!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Bet you 2 beers you'll like working for me better than your job now!!!

35 hours a week of work 40 hours a week pay!

Hip company looking for some cool people. We have been in business for 3 years and are looking for some special talent to support our current growth. Ideal candidates are people who are ready to implement the idea of personal growth and self worth.

- Tons of opportunity for personal growth. (we only promote from within, 2 management position will be available in 2010 they could be yours!!!)
- We will pay for experience. (sky is the limit)
- Relaxed environment. (enjoy when you are at work)
- Great hours. (Recreation friendly)
- We are 420 friendly. (no testing ever)
- Not exactly a corporate environment. (casual attire)
- Ski passes in the winter! (powder clauses included)

The sky is the limit as far as income potential. Current offices include SLC UT, Boise ID, Denver CO, Sacramento CA and expansion planned for The Bay Area, Phoenix AZ and more to follow. There is no relocation required, we are combing all the offices for the next manager and are looking for people here in Denver!

We have two immediate openings. No sales experience necessary, but helpful. You must be able to work weekends and own a car.

These are serous positions that need to be filled immediately. Please leave us a phone number so that we can contact you. We will not respond to anyone with casual inquires!!!


Hey-y-y-y, you just laid down the gauntlet, friend! For two beers I'll take that challenge! I'll take that challenge and a half! Or an eighth, if it's mushrooms, right?! *wink* *wink*

No but srsly, the job I have now is pretty choice. I got, like, tons of time to just hang around and beat off to internet porn and they never even check the cache or anything. I mean, I do it usually under my desk so if a customer shows up they don't see it - I'm not gonna do anything gross. And we keep a small fridge in the staff room that's pretty well stocked with brewdogs, so, you know, we get a little tipsy sometimes at work.

Oh, I haven't even told you where I work! It's at the corporate office for this nanny/caretaker placement firm. What we do is basically you call us and ask for someone to watch your tikes and then I go into our database and track down someone who has the qualifications and can work the hours that you need. So, basically, a bunch of chicks who wish they had kids but can't come in all day to ask me to place them with families who don't love each other enough to stay together. How about that shit, huh? Hotties hotties hotties, and all they wants to do is ride a dick!

Can you beat that? I know, I know, it's pretty hard. I've got at least one of those beers already, don't I!

Here's the kicker: These people that call us? Mostly rich folk. And they tell me - a total stranger - about their home and when they'll be gone. And I keep that information, bring it home, share it with some of the boys and, bammo, we got ourselves some easy bling! They don't even know its gone most of the time. Hell, we even thought about ransoming one of the kids sometime, but Donnie's got a problem being around kids, on account of he's one of those Megan's Law guys, but, whatever, it'd probs be a huge pain in the ass, huh?

Oh shit son, is that the fringe benefit that lands me the second beer? I think it is! What up naw!

No, but, for the reals, I'd like to get up to the mountains in the winter and working for you might make that really easy, so how about it? I've definitely got the drive and the experience to really help your company soar into the upper reaches of the Forbes 500 if that's how far you're willing to go.

Come on, man, let's make some mutha' futzin' Bennies!


Nate Balding

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Response Alert!

I guess it seems totally reasonable to want to employ someone who has traveled along the astral plane and was raised by moon worshipping orgy enthusiasts, especially in a one on one fitness/nutrition regime... No, wait, it totally isn't.


Hey Nate,

You sound like a great fit. Are you free this Friday to meet?



Hey Brentasaurus!

Man am I glad you got back to me! I am, however, going to be out of town for the next week or so. It happens that one of my Kyrgyz friends is going through a shamanic pogrom and I need to head over there to help him and his family conjure a protection deity to aid in their escape, which should really only be a matter of days. After that, however, my calendar is wide open (discounting the rituals of the Lunar Fremen, but as these take place twice during the night they shouldn't interfere at all with any meeting).

A point of interest for anyone wishing to pursue the great traditions of the Kyrgyz shamans is their propensity for utilizing the semen of a regionalized yak populace in vegetarian cuisine, thus maximizing protein potential while maintaining a healthy balance of heavy roots and mash veggies. It's really a great way to reach a second grade up the Snackability Index for any salad or fruit cup.

Anyway, I look forward to meeting up on my return.

Thanks again!

Nate Balding

Monday, April 26, 2010

Fitness/Nutrition Counselor

We are looking for a Fitness/Nutrition counselor for a weight loss clinic in the Cherry Creek area to work Tuesday 2PM-7PM and Thursday 2PM-7PM. This would be a great opportunity for a trainer trying to build their clientele. We can put you in front of 20+ potential clients a day. Your main responsibility is to give our clients sound fitness and nutrition advice in private 1 on 1 meetings that would last 10-15 minutes. Please email me back your resume or cover letter to or just reply to this post.



I'm a fitness specialist and nutritionist seeking employment in a satisfying locale where I can practice the methodology that I've developed over the last ten years: Cosmotic Vector Healing. What CVH provides is a complete fitness regimen and additional nutrition hints with a spiritual edge that I find lacking in similar programs. Over the years I have helped many people - men, women, adults and children - find the inner self that they needed to truly actuate and become the paradigms of humanity that they now are.

But before I get into those many successes (and believe me, I can name drop with the best of them!), let me tell you a little about myself and how my upbringing informs my techniques. I was born on a commune in Northern California called Lumenia where my parents and the parents of others farmed organic fruits and vegetables, practiced a form of Thai Chi known as Wong Bak-Thai and, most importantly, gave themselves to the orgy worship of the Moon Goddess for whom the commune was named. As young as four years old I was skilled in the art of economy of motion, following the movements of my elders and learning to open the pathways of my chakras. This led to my early development of higher brain functions, letting me begin reading well above my level, solving complex spatial problems and understanding of advanced mathematics. Well, advanced for a child. I'll be the first to tell you that when it comes to numbers, the only ones that matter are 9, 21 and 616, am I right? Ha!

I experienced my first Turning of the Moonbeam at thirteen years old - the traditional age to learn the ways of an Elder woman's cyclical soul cleansing - and boy, what a wonder that was! I needn't explain to you how important that moment is to a young man, but it truly leaves me with nothing but the fondest memories of my childhood, save those when I was but a youngling suckling at one of my Manymothers' feed knobs. This memory is an important part of my Cosmotic Vector Healing, which takes into account the fullness of a human's knowledge and utilizes a workout that allows one to enjoin with their deepest memories in order to bring about the Truth inside. In this I regard CVH without peer and I'm sure you will as well, once you've been gifted a free of charge initiation rite!

In my twenties I sought new spiritual avenues and eventually discovered the beauty of the Grand Enticement, which propelled me to attempt various courageous feats and attainments. I've climbed Kilimanjaro and Everest, biked the steep switchbacks from Mongolia into Nepal and India, swam alongside Orca's in the San Juan Islands, bare knuckle fought a black bear and saw the magnificence of our Sol from the astral plane. In Becoming I uncovered the secrets of the CVH method and, having honed it as a teacher/student in the Congolese jungles studying shamanic traditions, I decided that the time had come to share the gifts that the Cosmos had granted me. After all, that's the true path of any prophet, is it not? It is. I would know, being one of them.

I am also a licensed nutritionist, though even in this the CVH method intertwines and I find that there are special needs to be attended for followers of the Great Destiny. For instance, Pythagoras was right about beans: they are crops that sprout only inner strife and must be avoided at great cost, with the exception of Salorian Red Beans, found only in the Chilean mountains and harvested using miniature pigs known locally as puerco del fuego. A diet high in potassium and niacin is important to true communion. It also helps to consume many beets on the fourth of every month while meditating on the position of Mars in relation to Earth and Mercury.

Surely, the case has been made that I am overly qualified for the position you are offering, but if what you've read hasn't whet your appetite well enough, also know this: I'm a stone fox with a superfluous six pack. Trust me, you won't find yourself or others disappointed.

Coolutations part bye bye,

Nate Balding