Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Tradeshow Assistant

Of note: NABE is the National Association for Bilingual Education.


Looking for a Tradeshow Assistant to help manage and coordinate trade shows from start to finish. Need to have excellent communication skills and be very energetic. This will be for the NABE show located in Denver, CO Feb 3rd-6th 2010. If you are interested please e-mail us your resume along with a head shot photo.

Thank you so much for your interest,


Shame there ain't a button I could press would start this letter off with the sigh that I'm sighing right about now. But geez Louise, things out there are tough on a cotton bustin' old Skipper like myself, landlocked and wondering where the good days off the coast of Alaska with a fleet of purse seiners hauling a few tons of fresh ass seafood a day, wind and sea whipping through my hair like it always did. But that's a young man's game.

Nate Balding's my name. Pleased to meet you.

2010 seems to be the year for change. Change of life, change of pace, change of direction. Forty years I sailed the Pacific, the Arctic and occasionally the Indian (when I wanted to stop into some third world country to test my mettle against whatever latest wonder they'd managed to turn a group of nubile sixteen year olds into - hot damn, but that my heart could still handle THAT rush!), scaling the waves as if mere hillocks of barest impedance as my ships tore across the ocean, taking what we would from her lush bosom, crawling as it was with fish and squid and beasts of the deep. They were good men who sailed with me. Even on the ill fated foray too far into Russian waters.

We were ten days out when the storm was upon us. We lost navigation and heaved too, letting the waters take us where they might, trying to fight through the high waves as they crashed beside us. Most of us made it through. God bless the souls of Dark Smitty (he was Black Irish) and Willie van Arem, dirty Dutch though he was. Weathered and worn, day broke nonetheless and we thanked Christ and our mothers that it had. Trouble was, we'd been up near waters laid just twenty miles out of Irkutsk and this was in the heyday of the Cold War. I don't have to tell you the trouble we'd run down when two Soviet boats were spotted just a ways off, heading our direction no doubt to take our skin and what remained of our lot.

Well, boyo, what do you think we did? God damn right we gave those dirty Pinko shitlickers a run for their money. We set to, full forward and cut the waves like banshee bitches on fire, we did. But it wasn't enough. They had bigger ships - real Navy ships, mind you - and they eventually overtook us. I and my crew spent a good three weeks locked up in our own feces, eating worthless Russkie bread and drinking dirty Russkie water. Until the day came and I watched one of the guard's head just burst, American bullets come zinging right through it.

That's right, son. I was God damn saved by the United States Special Forces. Never got my ships back, but I got new ships, and set out just as soon as I could, fishing up a damned storm.

What was I getting at...

Oh yes! I think you'll find my demeanor pleasant overall, though I refuse to accept any sort of hell from anyone ain't greater rank than myself, and that goes for you, too.

I'm also not fond of working with foreigners. Even the ones speak the language, don't do a good God damn if their accent sounds like someone scraped a cat over hellfire coals. What's this NABE stand for anyway?

That's my terms,

Nate Balding

Monday, December 21, 2009

Get To Work With The Colorado National Guard

The Opportunity of a lifetime. Tired of searching for a job? The National Guard has over 150 jobs RIGHT NOW.

Are you missing your Military benefits? Would you like to be able to earn your retirement? Don’t give up your military benefits! Check out the National Guard

No Prior service in the Military is required!

Don’t wait we are running out of room fast!

Incentives include:

1. 100% Tuition assistance up to $4500.00 a year.

2. 7500.00 all the way up to 20,000.00 dollar re-enlistment bonus.

3. Base privileges (PX, commissary, mwr ECT.)

4. Tri-care if now available for all National Guard soldiers and their families.

5. Dental benefits

6. Retirement for 20 years of service

7. Make over $200.00 dollars for two days of work STARTING.

8. Active Guard Reserve jobs are available to any National Guard soldier.

9. Twenty Year retirement

10.Montgomery GI bill and Kicker will put you through College for FREE

11. Start Officer Candidate school with as little as 60 College Credits

12. Up to $50,000 dollar Student Loan Re-payment


Don’t give up your service time or the rank you’re achieved, Make it count for you. This is a excellent part time job that you can count on during hard times to never lay your off. With as little as 10% of American companies offering a retirement plan you cannot afford to miss this opportunity!





17-42 years old.

US passport, Green Card, permanent resident and/or born in the US

Call me or E-mail me back.

SSG Jake Kuzma

Cell (303)827-9929
Office 720-250-2581
Jacob.Kuzma@gmail.com or

If you cannot reach me for any reason please call

SFC Erik Cruz
Office 719-232-5159

National Guard Recruiter


Sir yes Sir!

I've always wanted all the benefits of military service without any of the actual work or war! Man, what a sweet ass deal you National Guardsmen (are they all men? Is it Guardsmen/women? Or Guards/wo/men?) have! Dental, man. Fucking dental! You know when I last had dental insurance? In the motha' fuckin' joint! Don't worry, it was just a misdemeanor. I guess the misdeminors you were referring to are slightly worse than that?

Anyway, just a DUI. I mean, who doesn't have one of those, right? Especially in the National Guard. The Joint Chief of that branch has totally got to be the fattest, drunkest guy on the Staff, right? You're like the couch potatoes of the American military! Dude, don't get me wrong, that's fucking awesome. Do some drills, get your pay, hit the college (where the chicks are either dumb or roofied, am I right?!), then head off to my parents' basement to dust some n00bs in Modern Warfare 2.

Fucking. Killer.

So, what exactly IS the deal with the Nash G's? Like, is there basic training and shit? Because I got a Presidential Fitness medal in sixth grade, so I figure I can probz skip that joint. Seems like a motherfucker of a hassle, too. Some dude yelling at you with an accent so weird you can barely make out what he's saying, telling you to drop and give him twenty and stand with absolutely correct posture. Sounds like some Arab Sheik who just bought a harem of fourteen year old Estonian girls who thought they were heading off to live the American dream and somehow ended up sucking a sand-jockey's dirty dong.

And srsly, bro, fuck that noise hard with a sharp stick.

Anyway, let me know if you're still hiring, because I think I would be great at not being in the army but totally getting the benefits.

Czech ya' later, "Sarge"!

-Nate Balding

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Yet Another Response?

I'm not sure if the recent successes means that I'm getting better or worse at concocting fake cover letters. In any case, here's response number two for two, this time for the apartment maintenance technician.



What an entertaining email! If you are serious about a position with MAXX, please submit a resume or contact information and I will call you to discuss the position and your qualifications.



So, I guess the lesson being learned here is that if you want a job, just write crazy made up shit and, if your potential employer laughs at it, they'll want to hire you.

So no more serious cover letters, people. It only gets in the way of your future.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Hi-rise Apartment Maintenance Tech

Experienced Apartment Maintenance Tech

MAXX Properties
300 East Seventeenth Apartments
300 E 17th Ave
Denver, 80203

Must have at least 3 years of apartment maintenance experience, high rise preferred. Experience in boilers, heat pumps, basic elevator knowledge and fan motor maintenance are required. Work orders, make readys and great customer service experience.

Competitive pay plus medical and dental benefits, paid time-off, 401(k) and other benefits offered.


Lemme guess, you're operating with one of those EV2600 models of elevator and the drive shaft on the portal entrance side is tacking up and making a grinding noise every time it lifts a story? Yeah, thought so.

The name's Balding, and apartment maintenance is my business. And not just apartments, no sir! Pretty much anything that swings, sinks, drinks or stinks, I'm the man for the job. Yeah, I've seen my fair share of the ups and downs in the maintenance biz - once saw a boiler set well past the thermometer's endemic safety module go all hot water balloon and burst up, taking a buddy of mine with it. God damn it, El Puerco, you'll be missed. Many are the times that these old eyes feel the salty caress of a teary sheen. I still remember to light the candle in the old church for his mother every April 3rd and to roast the carnitas until they're that perfect combination of sweet and tender before feeding them to Puerco's orphaned Golden Retriever, Ken.

But enough of that - you and I both know that getting into this business is a hell not worth going through if you don't have to, and that those who have The Touch can't help themselves a god damned bit once they've absorbed the ebullient perfume of rigging a simple PX38 model heating pump to a wide-nozzle S-ST200 with a bit of wire and some duct tape, rotating the bosom gear a tenth of a degree and spinning the plate back from hot to cold and turning that ventilation system into a well oiled machines ready to heat the whole damn building off a few dollars a day. Nope, once you've hit that spot, you're down for the count my friend. But you'd know that, you're the man with the ad.

So what say you and me start a beautiful relationship? There's a lot more in this world to see and do, and a lot more apartment buildings to spit polish into a shit pile that just fucking works, even though a lot o' the time it don't look like much. Let's his the sunset at an open stride, tearing into those walls and gutting those pipes like they were a spread of Trout freshly pulled from an Alaskan stream.

I don't think you'll find a better man for the job - not even zombie El Puerco.


Nate Balding

Saturday, December 12, 2009

At Last, I Am Taken Srsly!

After my last post, I received a personalized message regarding the humor of my cover letter and asking that I not jump to conclusions about business practices while angry. And now you can read that response for yourself!


You found your man. If this job opening was for a writer, you would be hired. But its not. As an employee, you can either pick a full time position or a part time position not both at the same time (its one position available).
If you like to get more information about this company, please feel free to visit www.prmdcolorado.com. Also, our job is to HELP, not to cheat individuals. So before you begin to judge anyone, please put your anger aside and educate yourself.
My responsibility is to offer a position to any individual who is in need. So my friend, please do not waste your time reading craigslist ads, because you sound like you are too perfect for any job.

Your new friend Frankie


Thanks Frankie. And he's right. I AM too perfect for any job. But that will not deter me! My will is strong! I feel the surging tide of my ancestral blood within me; the scent of blood and battle snaking through my limbs! I will be stalwart in my search, and the truth which lies behind the reality of my overt awesomeness will result in the discovery of a perfect job that is just for me!


Friday, December 11, 2009

Part Time & Full Time Position $$$$

GREATE OPORTUNITY. As the economy gets weaker the need for our services gets stronger $$$ Become a Debt Settlement Specialist and make money by helping people.
We are currently seeking motivated individuals for our new office. We provide all neccessary tools, friendly, comfortable work environment with competitive wages and commissions.
United Capital Partners is "AAA" rated and well-respected organization that provides a no hassle consultation.

Hours of operation, M-Th 11-8, Fri 10-4

– Experience in the same field is a plus but not necessary
– Great closing skills (outbound calls)
– A “refuse to lose” attitude
– Must be dynamic, driven and self motivated
– Bilingual (Spanish or any other) a plus

How to apply:
After reviewing our website, you can either
– Apply in person (no need for an appointment) Mon-Thurs 1:00-8:00, Fri 10-4 (see address below)
– Email to: job@rockymountaindebtset.com
– Send resume to:
Rocky Mountain Debt Set, LLC
(Please Reduce My Debt)
8791 Wolff Court
Suite 140
Westminster, CO 80031

If you have any questions, please call 720-542-1111.


Dear consummate professional:

I'm not going to lie. What initially attracted me to the post offering a job were the four dollar signs. As an avid reader of local restaurant reviews, I recognize this to indicate that the job being referred has an average price of fairly expensive. Also, the position offered being BOTH full AND part time without being pluralized? The thought that immediately raced through my head was, "This I've got to see."

You can imagine my surprise when I clicked the link and discovered that you were offering GREATE OPORTUNITY. All caps. You know what all caps means? Fucking business, that's what. No idea what this greate oportunity is (I'm hoping the result of an experiment to mate infant howler monkeys with Indonesian soccer ball weavers, also infants), and I'm literally dying (from cancer) to find out.

And find out I will, because I'm about to Sham Wow you with all the correct references to indicate that I am the perfect man for this vaguely defined job!

Point number one: You are AAA rated. I haven't missed an episode of Galavision's AAA Lucha Libre in five years. 'Nuff said.

Point numero dos: Spanish! You see it! Right there, I said number two in another language! That, however, is the extent of my Spanish.

Point number three: Experience in the field. Shockingly, I have been in debt many times, to many people, and have rarely paid those debts off, choosing instead to fall into the hands of a collection service, who invariably are unable to squeeze the money from me, as I own nothing and they cannot garnish my unemployment checks. As an artful credit dodger, I can safely say that I have enough experience in the field to justify my inclusion among your super stars of debt settlement specializing.

Point number four: I am extremely delusional. You want a refuse to lose attitude? I have never lost! And in situations where loss seems likely, I trick myself into believing that that was the outcome I was seeking, thus continuing to win! The rusted iron bear trap that I call a mind is capable of feats that even the grandeur-est of homeless kings would marvel at! IF I CANNOT LOSE THEN NOBODY CAN WIN! DON'T YOU SEE?!

And, finally, we come to point number five: Closing skills. Well, Sirs and Madams, simply see below.

If you are unconvinced at this juncture, then you are a madman. However, if all has gone as planned and you are on your feet, waving this letter in the air and enjoining your colleagues in the loud recitation of my qualifications to fist waving hoots and shouts of "Here, here! There is among us a King!", (and, I am assured to myself, this IS the case), then gather your staff and build to me a small shrine, heaped with the offerings of lamb and fruit, crispy bacon and the fleshy head of Harry Knowles recently severed, and I shall come to you atop my golden chariot, driving before me a fleet of jade golems carved into images of the children from the television show Degrassi Jr High, and a new day of debt settlement specializing will be upon the Earth, and everywhere the poor will quake in their torn boots and beg for a mercy that we have no intention of showing!


Happy Holidayzzz,

Nate Balding

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Part Time Bridal Stylist {Guest Post}

So my friend Colin let me have a bit of fun at another's expense as a guest poster over at Epic Date Fail dot Blogspot dot Com, and I'm returning the favor. Below is his hilarious contribution to my page. I'm pretty sure he accidentally got some random woman fired.


About Anna Bé
Anna Bé is a hip, chic store for the modern bride. Repeatedly voted Top of the Town by 5280 magazine, Anna Bé is a delightful and professional environment, with an emphasis on top-flight service and gorgeous gowns.

Who We Are Looking For
We are looking for highly motivated individuals to add to our team as part-time stylists. Stylists work directly with brides beginning with finding the perfect gown all the way up to the wedding day! Stylists are responsible for ensuring that the Anna Bé experience is always fun and never stressful.

Job Requirements
- Must have a positive, warm, outgoing personality
- Must have previous retail/sales experience
- Must have basic PC skills
- Must be able to work evenings and weekends
- Experience in the fashion/luxury industry is a plus
- Creativity is a plus

Job Duties
- Assisting brides with selection of gown, maids dresses, and accessories
- Answering telephones
- Setting and confirming appointments
- Following up with existing and potential clients
- Receiving and repacking merchandise
- Ongoing training to ensure strong product knowledge
- Merchandising and maintenance of store appearance
- Assisting with general store needs

Hours and Compensation
We are an Equal Employment Opportunity Employer and welcome job applications from all qualified individuals without regard to their race, color, religion, national origin or sex.

We are looking for part-time help to begin immediately. This position will be a part-time (20-35 hours per week) position with the opportunity for growth. Salary and compensation is based on experience.

Weekends and evenings are required.


Hello there! I am interested in a position at your company. You will discover I am more than qualified to be a part of your sales team – in fact, I probably know your product better than some of your current employees(especially Chrystal)!

For the last year I have been visiting your fine store and trying on your many beautiful dresses. A girl can never be too prepared when it comes to planning her big day, even if I still haven’t found “Mr. Right” (or even “Mr. Right Now” lol) yet. I’ve always appreciated your store because, with the exception of Chrystal, the staff has always been really nice to me and you carry a lot of dresses in size eleven, though I swear once my tendonitis goes away I’ll hit the gym again and get it down to a nine or so. I have all these gym memberships that I still haven’t used, and some of the guys there are really cute!

I also have loads of retail experience. I was assistant manager at Petsmart (that’s where I got my kitties Precious and Scorpio. Precious is adorable, and Scorpio’s the tough, scrappy one. Just yesterday I was telling him not to make behind the couch and he was all “Uh uh, no you didn’t! Talk to the paw!” lol.) I’ll definitely be a lot nicer to the customers than Chrystal. I have an Amiele Watson dress hanging in my closet because of her… she essentially told me one day that if I wasn’t going to buy something I should get out. I would never be so rude to a potential customer. I know that a girl’s wedding is the most important day of her life, the day she gets to be elegant and everyone is paying attention to her and her stupid ex-boyfriend from college sees how beautiful she looks and wishes he didn’t cheat on her with that skinny little volleyball bitch in his communications class. The day that everyone says, “wow, look at her, she’s really made something of herself! I feel like a real pill for never once talking to her even though we’ve been sitting at the same workstation together for THREE YEARS!”

I am also a people person, unlike some “I’m so much better than you because I’m a size two and my fiancé is a chef” people we both know (give up…? It’s Chrystal again!). Just ask Precious and Scorpio… I talk with them for hours, and I think I’ve even learned how to communicate with them through meows… so there’s your communication skills right there! At least Precious seems to understand, but Scorpio’s a little too sassy to talk with me.

So, in conclusion, I feel that I am more than qualified to work for your wonderful store. Actually, your ad came at a really good time for me! This morning I was checking the wedding announcements in the paper and I saw that this really gross unpopular high school classmate was getting married to the guy I had a crush on in my gym class. He was the only one who didn’t laugh and call me “Whale-Tail Gail” when we did stretches before class. Anyways, reading that put me in an eating cycle, though seeing your ad put a stop to that! It’s just like the calendar on my workstation says: The Chinese word for “crisis” is the same as “opportunity”. I wonder what the word for “me no want more chop-suey!” is, lol.

Anyways, I am really looking forward to working with you. I’d type more but I need to put on some make-up before the pizza guy gets here. I hope they send the cute one again. I like it when he comes, but I like watching him go even more (btw I’m talking about his tush, lol)!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Golf Tournament Sponsorship Sales

Charitable Golf Events, Inc. is a Colorado based company that creates, hosts and manages destination golf events that are held in Hawaii and elsewhere. Each tournament is hosted by a local celebrity and offers participants the opportunity to support a local non-profit thru their sponsorship of these events. We are currently seeking an experienced outside salesperson to sell "Corporate Sponsorships" to these incredible events. Commission only position + an opportunity to attend multiple destination events each year. Candidates should offer the following skills:
* Experienced in Business to Business Sales
* Basic computer skills
* Home office with computer and telephone
* Be able to work independently
* Excellent phone skills
* Love of golf and travel is helpful
* Accustomed to a high income level thru sales (six figure +)

If you meet ALL of the above listed qualifications, please respond with resume to this email or via fax at: 303-973-7498.


Dear Sir or Madam:

What I find most abhorrent about what you're doing is the utter disregard for the Scottish roots of golf. You designate these weak courses, inconsistent with the highlands of my home country, and expect me to refer to these players as 'professional.' Professional pansies, perhaps! They're not even wearing kilts! My god man, what has the world come to when grown men refuse to kilt up for the golf course?! It's a travesty, at best, and a nightmarish apocalypse at second best.

But it doesn't have to be. Gentlemen and gentlelasses, an opportunity to fulfill a destiny has been thrust upon you. Hiring myself, and my two cousins Connor and Duncan MacLeod, both of the illustrious clan MacLeod and highlanders themselves, will allow you to become the spearhead that revolutionizes the sport and brings it back to its roots, where it belongs. We three are experienced in many things, the art of the sale only one among them. In developing a sponsorship pool that prides itself on heritage and a love of the Scottish sport we can turn the tide against mundane Saturday golf 'tournaments' and insitute a policy that leaves a true hero of the green to stand atop his fallen foes shouting to the lightning sky 'There can be only one!'

Consider: A duel between tied participants to the death, with the head being removed from the loser. It's just a suggestion.

My cousins and I are well travelled and enjoy the extravagance of a lifestyle with a high income. Connor is, in fact, a collector of rare items and Duncan has amassed quite a large number of great white shark skulls, all killed with a short blade while swimming off the coast of Florida and personally skinned, bleached and polished. Trust me, it's remarkable. Between us there isn't a problem in existence that can't be overcome, be it clearing the roadblocks of sponsorship to a new future, solving a string of local murders or battling a Kurgan to a final defeat at the end of The Game. Believe me when I say that yours is a destiny that desires fulfillment - golf has too long stagnated in mediocrity while its proud history sits behind a dark veil, wallowing, the Scottish heroes of golf yesteryore forgotten.

Let us resolve this. Let us enjoin a shared historical love and restore the game of golf to its true potential. And only then will we truly understand The Prize we've been given.



Nate Balding

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Front Office/Front Desk Assistant

5280 Gymnastics (www.5280gymnastics.com) is a world class gymnastics facility in Wheat Ridge, CO offering gymnastics programs for girls and boys of every age and ability.

5280 Gymnastics is looking for a PART TIME Front Office/Front Desk Assistant. The ideal candidate is outgoing and enthusiastic, highly organized, reliable, and able to assist customers in a busy and fast paced environment.

Hours are
• Monday-Friday (2pm-6pm)
• Saturday (8:30am- 12 Noon)

Preferred Applicants
• Office administration experience
• Excellent organization and multi-tasking skills
• Exceptional attention to detail
• Well spoken, self-motivated and a “can do” attitude
• Strong customer service skills: ability to deal with customer concerns in a calm and effective manner
• Strong (intermediate to advanced) computer skills
1. MS Word
2. Excel
3. Outlook

Job Responsibilities Include
• Answering phone, returning phone calls in a timely manner
• Returning email inquiries in a timely manner
• Maintaining computer based class registration and scheduling software
• Filing and data entry
• Updating and monitoring accounts receivables
• Office organization and cleanliness
• Supply/product ordering

Send resumes and hourly requirements to: Laura@fullcirclesystems.com

Thank you to all candidates...while I am unable to respond to all submittals, I will be reaching out to candidates that fit the profile.



A little enthusiasm sure goes a long way, right? Right!

So I'm sure you're sitting there in your ergonomic chair, reading letter after letter from possible candidates, just wishing that you could find someone who's not only capable of performing this job to the fullest but also gets a big 'ol boner for gymnastics (figuratively, of course!). Well guess what, honey - you found him. I can't even see a pommel horse without the memories of my youth gushing forth; my days as a world class athlete with Olympic dreams and a 9.5 parallel bars routine that would have crushed the Russian competitor's dreams. If only...

As I was saying, I've worked in an office environment as a personal assistant for ten years, answering phones, building customer databases, filing and organizing; and I've been happy, you know? I've been happy. But there it is, always, in the back of my head. Once upon a teenaged aeon, when I was a gymnast, with ambition, and knew what happiness truly was. Sure, sure, filing taxes for a business and managing to pull a refund is a brilliant operation, of which I can be immensely proud, but nothing quite compares to the thrill of springboarding into an aerial somersault with a full rotation and sticking the landing, knowing that your body is a machine prepared to explode with pure physical efficiency, slamming through the percieved limits of human exertion itself. No, there's nothing quite like that on the planet.

Was it my fault? I know, the therapists will all tell you that it's not your fault. But I knew she was drunk. I let her drive anyway. God damn this chair, and God damn me for being so damn dumb!

Sorry, sorry, it gets to me, you know? Sure, sure you know. You're probably a former gymnast yourself, succumbed to age and weary limbs, no longer able to flutter through the air, flipping and twirling at your whim, amazed onlookers wishing - wishing! - they could do what you do. No, ours is a heaping platter of reality drenched in shit, isn't it. We sit on the sidelines now, cold comfort in our remembered fantasies of standing up, listening to my national anthem and wearing gold.

But instead we power through, don't we? We collate and staple through the day, roll back to our empty apartment and eat another pork and beans dinner and drink ourselves to sleep. Because that's what's important, right? Just making it through. Making it through the day.

You know what? Disregard this message. I've got a date with a bathtub and a toaster oven.


Nate Balding