Friday, October 31, 2008

Office Assistant

Well respected company is looking for someone who likes to care for details and contribute to the company success. Duties will include organizing business functions, assisting customers, answering questions, taking phone calls and assisting with general office tasks.

Candidates must have 2+ yrs administrative experience and helping in a fast paced office environment. Candidates must be able to maintain excellent communication, be able to follow written and verbal instruction and have demonstrated ability to research, organize and manage information.

Action Employment, Inc. job postings are either actual positions we have available at the time of posting or are positions we expect to fill. If you are interested in being considered for this position and others that we have available please email us your resume at: resume@actionemployment.net Please include the posting ID with your resume.
Please also check out our other opportunities at: www.actionemployment.net

*****

Good day to you!

I'm writing this letter in regards to your open position for office assistant. I'm a professional, detail oriented Amanda you get back in your god damn room until it's cleaned I'd better be able to eat off your floor person who's spent seven years in an office environment. I've worked as a secretary at several major law firms in the what did I tell you, do you want me to get my belt? Then clean your god damned room! area. My skill set is fairly broad, spanning most general office activities up to and including some minor paralegal duties. I do have one issue, however, that you will want to take into that's it, you're getting the belt. No, no, I don't care if you're sorry! account; I'm unable to speak while typing without entering my speech into the text. It's known as Benson's can't hear you, Daddy's too busy sucking corporate cock in order to keep your sorry yap full of food Disorder. It's a mild form of autism and incurable, but with a proofreading assistant I can usually manage to get along just fine. Hope to hear back from you soon!

Sincerely,

Nate stop your fucking crying I'll give you something to cry about Balding

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Dog Daycare Worker

This is a part time, temporary position, approx. 12-20 hours per week, mostly afternoons. You probably will have to work holidays.
You will need to be friendly,confident around dogs,able to deal with dogs of all sizes. In addition to monitoring the dogs to ensure their safety, you'll be cleaning the space,which includes lots of mopping & poop patrol. Some customer service, including handling phone calls & answering potential clients questions.This job requires lots of standing, so be in good condition. While you will have fun,(you get to hang with dogs!)it also can be stressfull as you will be responsible for the wellfare of our customers pets. Experience preferred. Being able to read dogs body language helps too. We are located in SE Portland. Please have reliable transportation.

Please send resume, & letter of interest.

*****

Love dogs! Let me restate that: Love love love LOVE dogs!

Have you ever found yourself sitting alone at home, miserable and just about ten seconds from slashing your wrists? I mean, who hasn't, right? Tot obvs. And what cures the suicide blues better or more quickly than a puffy little pooch sticking his dirty wet nose against yours and licking you full on the lips, giving his little poochy woochy snuggle kisses? Nothing, that's what. Nobody with a dog ever killed themselves, it's basically proven fact. You just can't! When you're in the shower affixing your new studded belt to the head, completely naked and showing the scarred remnants of your angst-driven need to cut yourself and that baby waby doggy pads on in and looks up at you with those big shiny brown eyes, like he's just saying, "Hey, whattaya doin? Whose gonna feed me and take me on walks if you hang yourself? I don't want a new owner, I wuvs u!" Oh. My. God. Just try. Seriously, try. If you can pull the trigger while biting down on the end of a sawed off shotgun you bought at the pawn shop earlier in the week after ritually shaving your entire body and eating an ascetic last meal of savory greens and potatoes while Mr. Cuddlewumps is yowling for a special weshel treatie? Then you are ten times the man that I am. Because I couldn't do it. Not with the little bastard staring me down, reminding me of all the hours of my life that I've given to him; all the shit that I've cleaned; all the pillows and couches that were ruined when I left him home alone. No, no I couldn't possibly kill myself while thinking about that, could I? But there is something else I could do... That's right puppy, you're gonna see grandma in heaven! Yes you are! Yes you are!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

FUN Weight Loss/Nutrition Coaches/ Assistants Needed

ATTENTION: WANTED

Weight Loss / Nutrition Coaches and Assistants needed for

weight loss challenge program. No experience needed.

Full training provided, P/T-F/T

up to $1500-$5000/mo flexible hrs

FUN Attitude important. Bi-linguals WELCOME

Call Mylissa for phone interview: 206-774-8270

*****

Jack Lalane be damned, I'm exactly what you're looking for.

I'm a high functioning ninety-seven year old young fitness instructor whose outlived all the old goats around me thanks to one thing and one thing only: The Balding School of calisthenics all-body workout program. You wake up? Calisthenics. You eat lunch? Calisthenics. Preceding and following making love to your wife or a sweet young girl putting herself through college? You guessed it: Calisthenics. I will teach you and yours the ins and outs of the Balding School calisthenic technique. We'll do squats, toe touches, windmills, back stretchers, calf punches, lung gutters and fish slippers. By the end of it you'll be in the best shape of your life and I'll have the satisfaction of knowing that I can still take on a group of dumb young fatties and slap 'em into a shape some drunken gentleman might actually mistake for a lady. These are women, right? I don't teach the men anymore; I'm too old to worry about anything but the bodies of lithe young women. Don't worry, I'm no heavy petter. Just an old man in fantastic shape who enjoys seeing the female body in all of its glorious curvaceous beauty.

So don't bother with those other guys; this is the one. I've got more steam and spunk than a god damned freight train coursing through the tight sinewy flesh hung on these old but spry bones. Just give me a shot. I'll prove it to you and those god damned grandkids. 'Oh, grandpa, you can't play catch with us you're too old!' Ugly little fuckers, too. Damn the daughter for marrying a Jew.

Sincerely,

Nate Balding

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Yet Another Response Alert

Again, from StrongResume.com:

I sent you a couple emails already with more info on becoming a
resume writer in our marketplace... from the looks of your resume
I think you'd be a great fit!

Unless I'm mistaken, it doesn't appear that you've responded yet.

We've had great response so far from others in your area and are
about to close down the offer, but I wanted to give you one last
chance in case you've just been too busy up until now to take a
look.

Click the following link for information on how to get started:

http://www.strongresume.com/writers/1a-signup.php

I hope we're able to work together.

- Chris

*****
Yes, I too hope we will work together Chris.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

opportunity knoks (portland?vancouver)

Large home improvement company looking to add 5+ more reps to cover lead flow.
I currently have 35 reps and need 5+ more to cover my new lead sources. All pre-set appointments, no door knocking or cold calling. Average first year income 70K with many making six figures in commissions and bonuses. We offer paid training, medical, dental, vision and a matching 401k plan. If you are a self starter who does not like to lose. Then you must call Bryan @ (503)572-5252 or email resume to bkt792004@yahoo.com
P.S Great opportunity may only knock a couple times in a lifetime - don't let this one pass you up!

*****

Hello enthusiastic employer!

Massive Job is looking to expand its interests overseas. We're a proud company founded in 1509 by Josiah Job (he went by JJ) and his sons and have been in the business of aiding ailing businesses ever since! The patriots at Massive Job were unwilling to entertain the prospect of helping non-Americans for many years (minus that little snafu in Poland in 1939 when our great leader made an itty bitty mistake - you'll read about it) but have changed our minds ever since America almost fell into another depression! What we need are competent individuals to represent us in: China, Serbia, Zimbabwe, Russia, Albania, Somalia, Sudan, North Korea. We do NOT deal arms. I want to make that clear. We merely initiate introductions between business people who then give us a percentage of their earnings in a non-taxable offshore account. Do YOU have what it takes to travel the world and meet interesting people? Can YOU be the one in your family making so much money they leave the dinner table at Thanksgiving to take calls from potential world leaders? Are YOU the one that loves new places and will sign a waiver eliminating your employer from all culpability? Then we want YOU!

Our best,

Nate Balding

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Response Alert!

The following was sent to me,clearly by a robot, from StrongResume.

*****

Candidate ID: Nate

Thanks for submitting your resume.

After reviewing your resume, I'd like to include you as
a featured writer on StrongResume.com.

Learn more here:

http://www.strongresume.com/writers/1a-signup.php

I'm looking forward to working with you!

Best Regards,

Chris Crompton

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Petroleum Inspector {Special Bellingham Job Edition!}

Since I'm taking a trip up north this week, I thought I would go ahead and apply for something in Bellingham, just in case I need some extra cash.

*****

We are seeking an experienced Petroleum Inspector or willing to train the right candidate. We are looking for a self motivated, detail oriented, disciplined individual who is willing and able to work in a position that is on-call 24 hours per day, 365 days per year in the petroleum industry. This position will require local travel. On occasion, distance travel requiring overnight stay(s) will be expected. Reliable transportation with a clean driving record is mandatory; a pickup truck would be preferred. 40 hours per week guaranteed with benefits, after a probationary period.

*****

Hey there,

Stylin' guy here with the need to inspect your jelly. Petroleum is what I do, five times a day, every day, on call to the whimsy of my idle mind. And man, does my mind like to fuckin' idle! I've got a clean driving record (no injuries yet!) and can handle a stick shift masterfully. I've got a truck, but it's not the pickup kind. My truck is a little more, eh, beefy, if you catch my drift. I'm able and willing to work in a whole lot of different positions, especially when there's petroleum around to help 'convince' me to 'play the pretzel'. Do we have an understanding? I hope you get what I'm saying, cause I'm a lot better at inspecting petroleum than I am at spelling things out. Should I take a test to prove it? What happens if I fail? I wouldn't want to get punished for naughty behavior. I especially don't want to end up covered in sweet, sweet petroleum, inspecting the hell out of it. You say you'll train the right candidate? Well, I don't need the training, but I might need a little refresher course in petroleum handling - I'll handle your petroleum if you'll handle mine. Get it? Huh?

So if you want an experienced petroleum inspector eager to get a hold on the industry, I'm more than willing to learn some new ropes. Seriously, though, I need a job and will do anything.

Not implying anything sexual,

Nate Balding

Resume Writer

Online marketplace of resume writers is looking for writers in the Portland area.

Are you comfortable writing resumes?
Do you have time to write at least 1-2 resumes per week?

Please send your own resume to the email address above to be considered for this work.

We'll review your resume within 24 hours or less (except on Sundays) and notify you promptly regarding our decision.

Thanks!

*****

Today management!

It is vigorous? My name the baldness is Nate which caught. I' Publish fiction of the story of several years which and the writer of essay, Harper' It has met in the various magazines which are included, ve; s, Atlantic Ocean monthly magazine and Rolling Stone. Here several years I' The literature scene and retreating/quitting it makes ve submit, it reaches the point where with new direction it is taken the lead, but the fact that you are sharp and maintain by your is written and the fact that it continues to do what of word is desired. As for me including persuasive power, latent characteristic employer' You think; person' S; It is the righteousness which is the value where s has value; I my time and offering the portion of expert knowledge, rejoicing, one which is. I' You to write several my itself resumes, my friends' Ve which has been written plural; . Honestly, there' s possible method it is not you' Someone discovery of ll from more equipped in order for you to achieve this position by your. I' As for ve as for your parachute the reading which is what kind of color, you like that from beginning to end, because the tissue which gets wet, candidly, I' You threw; The smart it is best a little more than directly to m completely from literature viewpoint, in order - at the place, [toraipu] of type of only viewpoint ones which really are important making of me be convinced to recognize.

When it reopened in someone after mind-blowing, mind-blowing we wanted transferring, employ me. So when is not, it inhales because of a certain.

Including sincerity, the baldness Nate which caught

*****

The above reply was written, translated in Japanese, then translated back. Just so's you know.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Costco-Best Buy-Circuit City-Clearwire Wants you!!!!

Clearwire is looking for retail reps to sell Clearwire at one of its National Retail Partners. You will be responsible for building a winning tradition and creating a great relationship between that National Retailer and Clearwire as well as selling Clearwire service. $10 per hour plus commission + HUGE growth potential. Be part of a fun and growing team!
To Apply email resume to shamiso.marangwanda@clearwire.com

*****

Deet Deet Deet:

Sales program SS 17-o5A reporting for position. I am a human semblance interaction sales device used primarily to determine market factors based on appearance in order to more accurately convince persons of unknown origin to purchase products in your stores. I require nothing beyond the basic maintenance necessary to maintain good working conditions inside the polyethylene fuselage in which I am encased. Please! Listen to my sales pitch as regards differing classes of individual!

Young, hip and white: You, with the fixed gear bike! Your needs will be completely fulfilled with this product that is essential to appearing attractive to the opposite sex! It is an mp3 player of some sort! I can program it with the musical selections inherent to your particular lifestyle choice! You will be the momentary envy of many and perhaps undertake sexual intercourse because of it! Ironically!

Elderly and easily berated into purchasing items: This is the thing that your grandchildren are raving about but do not have! If you buy now I can throw in an extra one for only the same price but will cease to be overbearing! Buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it buy it now!!!

Minority: Stop, thief!

Middle aged female with child in stroller: Hey ma, lookin good. You know what a MILF is? I am programmed to pursue intimate encounters with sexy ladies and have the components necessary to give you the pleasure you obviously are missing at home. Query: When does that ass stop? Answer: Never, when it is your ass that is shaking.

So you see, I am capable in every instance to pursue the sale until the item has been purchased. I am relentless, angry and most importantly, a fucking robot. HIRE ME!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Response Alert!

I was granted an interview with AFLAC based on my cover letter involving Steven Segal.

Quality Engineer

Acumed LLC in Hillsboro is currently recruiting for a Quality Engineer.

Job Purpose / Scope

Designs and installs quality control process sampling systems, procedures, and statistical techniques. Investigates issues to determine root cause and develop appropriate corrective and preventative actions. Designs or specifies inspection and testing mechanisms and equipment. Analyzes production limitations and standards. Recommends revision of specifications when indicated. Formulates or assists in formulating quality control policies and procedures.

Qualifications include:
-Bachelors degree in Quality Assurance or equivalent field required
-2+ years experience in manufacturing / quality with a working knowledge of inspections techniques and procedures
-Working knowledge of validations (IQ, OQ, PQ) and process FMEA
-Working knowledge of applicable Code of Federal Regulations (21 CFR Parts 7,11,803,806,820, etc.) and ISO 13485 systems
-ASQ certified Quality Engineer, Six Sigma certified and knowledge of Lean Manufacturing principles desired

For more about our company, culture and benefits and to see a detailed job description please visit our website at www.acumed.net

To apply please send cover letter and resume to resumes@acumed.net

*****

Hiring Manager:

I am writing this letter to you in response to your Craigslist posting seeking a quality engineer, and to attempt to convince you, by the end of this letter, to hire me instead of that bitch Sheila Perninsky.

I've known Sheila for most of my life. We were childhood friends who met at a local public pool and discovered that we lived on the same block. Our friendship was immediate and few days went by without a trailblazing bicycle ride or a crawl through the expansive undergrowth in the massive yard of a nearby dilapidated mansion owned by a man we all called Old Withershins. As we progressed into our teens, becoming increasingly aware of each other, Sheila and I experimented briefly and in an all-too-Dawson's-Creek way with sex, though ultimately decided - for the best, I have always maintained - that we continue to be just friends. We parted ways at college, as often happens, I attending a University in Phoenix and Sheila, to her great credit, going to Brown. We both majored in communications and after college both returned home to Portland where we found each other once more when both of us were employed as system analysts in the same office. We clicked immediately and, after a night of slightly too much red wine, slept together. It was a beautiful night, crystallized in my memory as a single perfect moment suspended before the very likeness of God in the form of a pillar of solar flame.

But what happened two years later? What happened when someone a little older, wiser, with more money decided that Sheila should go away to Chile on an adventure climbing mountains? You can guess what happened. Sheila Perninsky, my lifetime friend and companion, told me to go fuck myself. Well fuck you Sheila! You're not even that good looking! When you break a man's heart you'd better rip it from his chest or suffer the consequences!

I am equally qualified for the position Sheila is applying for - and I know she applied because I snooped her email outbox from work, so don't even try to tell me she didn't - only I have one thing that Sheila cannot claim: Integrity. When I become a member of your corporate family I don't piss on your emotions and flush away fifteen years - fifteen years! - for some bullshit nobody asshole named Frederick Ungerland - I'm coming for you too fuckface Fred!

Please consider not hiring that bitch, Sheila Perninsky, because she's a whore and a liar and fuck her.

Thank you,

Nate Balding

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Evening Doorman

Do you like working in a nurturing, fast-paced environment with room for advancement? Look no further than the Heathman Hotel, in downtown Portland, Or. Named one of the "World's Best Places to Stay" by Condé Nast Traveler and one of the "500 Best Hotels in the World" by Travel + Leisure, The Heathman Hotel sets the standard for elegance and style. Our personalized attention to every guest's needs ensures an unforgettable stay in Portland.

The Heathman Hotel is looking for an energetic, outgoing person to represent our hotel. We are looking to fill the evening doorman position. Don’t miss this opportunity to wear our Beefeater uniform and work at one of the most unique hotels in Portland. You will need a valid driver’s license, a copy of your driving record, and pass a drug screening. The Heathman Hotel is consistently rated one of the premier boutique hotels in Portland. For more information on our property, visit www.heathmanhotel.com.

Ideal candidates would possess excellent customer service skills, fun & outgoing personalities, and willingness to tackle challenging tasks and responsibilities. Experience in customer service related fields is preferable. The shift will be from 3:00pm-11:00pm and you must work weekends. Flexibility in scheduling is a must.

Don’t miss out on this opportunity! We eagerly await your response. Interested applicants are welcome to apply personally, or reply to the e-mail address provided below (please provide resumes with response).

*****

Greetings Future Fellow Heathman Hotel Employee! I hope this fine day finds you in good health and high spirits.

I would like to apply for the job you've posted on Craigslist. Some things you should know about me in bullet point form:

*I am outgoing and energetic in every endeavor, whether it be a new job or a trip to the dentist!
*I am a highly functional individual and have almost no mental illness in my family history (Sorry Uncle Charlie, but you're not helping on this one!)
*I have a great deal of customer service experience and enjoy dealing with people very much!
*I'm willing to work for tips!
*I've never committed fraud!
*I will definitely NOT not wash my hands after number two (If you catch my drift!)

Here are some things that I'm looking for in you, also in bullet point form:

*You are kind
*You are funny
*You are not a terrorist
*You pay well, but not too well, as I prefer tips
*Underneath it all you're just a human being, just like me and everyone else, with emotions and cares and hopes and dreams and aspirations that you want to accomplish before you kick off this mortal coil and go to play with the angels

If we sound as much like a good fit to you as you sound to me, let me know! I'm eager to get myself a job so I can start drinking again.

Thanks so much!

Nate Balding

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Balanced, Rewarding Sales Career Opportunity

AFLAC - We are expanding our operations in the Portland Metro Area – Downtown/East Side location.

Aflac is a Fortune 200 company that strives for balance; balance between careers and family, work and play, individual effort and teamwork, accountability and a sense of purpose, to create a rewarding professional experience.

We currently have openings for qualified individuals for the following positions:

• Account Managers
• Trainers
• District Managers

We are looking for people oriented, energetic candidates who have a desire to work hard and earn an above average income. Backgrounds in Insurance, Sales, Human Resources, Teaching, Customer Service, Management, and bilingual skills are a plus, but not required!

The Aflac opportunity offers:

• No nights or weekend work or travel required.
• Classroom education and field training in all areas.
• No-limit income and financial rewards.
• Top commissions, including advance and residual income (50% vested
after 2 years!)
• Company-paid stock bonus plan.
• Awards, recognition, and trips.
• Management opportunities.

If you are new to our field, we will provide you the training to put you on a FAST START to the top. If you are experienced, we will give you the support to insure you rise to the TOP!

*****

Salutations friend!

What you offer is exactly what I seek! I've sought balance - true balance, mind you - for nearly my entire life. Following the deaths of both of my parents in a fiery car crash at the tender age of nine I was entrusted to an uncle whose work with Buddhism you might be familiar with: Steven Seagal ring any bells? He taught me to center myself, how to breathe, how to become the image of the Buddha beneath the tree and find the pathway to righteousness. He also taught me to break spines with several parts of my anatomy.

All that aside, I feel I would be a good candidate for any of your open positions, given my now natural ability to focus, lead, concentrate, focus, and lead. Without a doubt I am a candidate of extreme qualifications with plenty of experience. You need a hard worker? When I was under the tutelage of Uncle Steve I was worked like a dog or possibly horse day in and day out, training my muscles and mind to unlock the potentialities hidden within. You require energetic persons? How about someone whose gone ten rounds with a master of numerous martial arts as well as a high Buddhist priest? That takes stamina, energy and a will to succeed above all others. I am the iron fist of administrative abilities, fashioned to a sleek, hard-working, energetic sales associate. You did mention bilingual skills; something I actually don't have, unless you count the language of violence. I am very interested in no-limit income and financial rewards (Uncle Steven is remarkably stingy).

In conclusion, let me assure you that the balance I have discovered in my own life has led me to you, a company that prides itself on furthering, knowingly or not, the teachings of my greatest hero: The Buddha. I straddle the crevasse between rage and hope, trying to find a way through. And I think it might just be the Eightfold path of AFLAC.

Namaste,

Nate Balding

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

looking for competent work

looking for competent work, email back for more details

*****


WELL SHIT I'M COMPETENT AS ALL FUCK MAN! I GOT COMPITENCE COMIN OUT MY ASS! U WANT TO HIRE ME OR ?

Pearly's Field Consultant

Are you looking to make extra money in your spare time? Do you want to work from home and make your own hours? Do you want a piece of an 11 billion dollar industry? If so a Pearly's Field Consultant position may be for you.

As a Pearly's Field Consultant you will act as an independent sales representative responsible for scheduling on location Pearly's treatments and Pearly Parties in homes and businesses. For additional details on Pearly's Express and Pearly Parties select the Pearly's Express link above.

Successful candidates will have strong communication skills, personable, and have a strong desire to brighten people's smiles.

This is a commission-based position paid at a highly competitive rate.

Please contact Brad the Pearly's Operations Manager at 360-253-9787, brad@pearlys.com, or visit our store in the Vancouver Mall for additional details.

*****

Brad at Pearly's:

So you seek to hire a field consultant, eh? Well, look no further my good man, for it is I, your future employee calling from afar by way of electronic mailing system to answer the clarion you've trumpeted! You speak of parties thrown in the name of your employer, (I'm assuming he's taken the moniker Mr. Pearly, PhD), a subject to which I am a faithful return customer! It is the sullen rarity that does not fall under my Svengali gaze and whole-heartedly succumb to the lustful whim I bear for brightening the smiles of others! Especially the ladies, but occasionally the men, for I am neither a stranger to the Greek disease, though I hope you'll not hold that against me in our travels. Yes, sir, I am referring in veiled obfuscation to what your mind has certainly conjured in the meanwhile: My little soirees invariably end in the connubial satisfaction of all engaged parties! While you may peddle Mr. Pearly's fine wares, I peddle my own form of pearly good: organic with no assembly necessary! We could make a fortune, you and I - people are wont to do most anything following the spasmodic release of a good old fashioned orgasm. I should know, as it has been my business prior to induce them before cameras! It is only with the onset of late-stage HIV that I am unable to continue in my chosen profession and must seek new fine work to enjoy the lifestyle I've become accustomed to.

Pleased to meet you and, of course, grateful for your time. I'll expect to hear back from you shortly!

Sincerely,

Nate Balding

Team Leader

Stash Tea Company is looking for a Team Leader to be a part of our packaging department.
Education and Work Experience:
High School Diploma required. A background in food related manufacturing of at least five years with two years as Team Leader or Line Lead. An ability to work in a fast paced work environment is required. Clear, concise and accurate verbal and written communication skills are a must. Strong basic math skills are a must. Candidate must be organized and have good problem solving skills.

Primary Purpose:
Support staff reporting to the Packaging Supervisor.
This position will organize and train staff in the methods of quality and
timely packaging while keeping the workload organized and the workplace
clean and safe.

Essential duties and Responsibilities:
Supervision of the production activities in the packaging area.
Ensure packaging quality.
Report equipment issues to the Packaging Supervisor.
Train employees in work methods and procedures.
Ensure all GMP policies are being followed.
Operate machines and equipment.
Maintain first aid/CPR certification.
Ensure inventory accuracy.

Other Duties and responsibilities:
Assist Packaging Supervisor with organizing and processing work orders.
Report personnel issues to Packaging Supervisor.
Cross train with other departments.
Assist supervisors and managers with the achievement of company goals.

Hours are: 7am - 5:30pm Monday - Thursday. Overtime may be required.

Please email or mail a cover letter, resume with salary history to:
Stash Tea Company
PO Box 910
Portland, OR 97207
attention: job posting

No phone calls, please.

*****

Dear Sir or Madam:

In regards to the Craigslist posting seeking a team leader, stop what you're doing right now and consider the following: I am an excellent team leader. It's true; I've led teams in the most dire of circumstances, traversing fields of potential mishaps with nary but my trusty rucksack and bayonet of excellent communication skills. I don't even have to read the requirements of the position for which I am applying, as the heading said it all: TEAM LEADER, a point on which I cannot stress how qualified I truly am. Have you ever been in the thick of battle, under the oppressive boot of a hostile takeover and forced to make sure every member of your office made it through to the next paycheck and beyond? Well I have. And I can tell you, it requires guts of steel - yet another characteristic I can boast with impugnity - and a railroad for a spine. You can't just back down when you have all of those people relying on your leadership; you must prevail, against all odds, when the bullets are ripping through space and the snap crack of corporate downsizing is stinging in your ears. Of course, I understand the necessity of moderation. I'm a very moderate man. Why, in the evenings when I take my glass of scotch I make sure never to drink so much that I will be unable to fulfill my husbandly duties; no, only enough to believe my aging wife's breasts are still beautiful - am I right, fellas?

Believe me, I put the Tea in TEAM. You won't be disappointed by the leadership I exude in spades. When the shit (pardon my French, please!) hits the fan, I'll be there, head first, diving into the muck and scum of the office underbelly, bringing every living soul under my watch through to the end.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Nate Balding, Team Leader