Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Retail Loss Prevention

Seeking experienced retail loss prevention officer with current DPSST certification. Position is Part-Time / 3 days a week. Schedule changes on a weekly basis. Excellent customer service skills required. Must be able to work on feet for extended time periods. Good observation and writing skills are required. Wage is dependent upon previous experience.



You need to manage your retail loss and I need an outlet for the boundless rage housed within the sinewy musculature of my biceps and quads. And I'll tell you something about DPSST; when I see a shoplifter I get DPiSST! Pissed enough to crack some skulls. You ever see Roadhouse? I saw that when I was seven years old and thought to myself, hey, that guy's fucking badass! I wanna do that when I grow up! And you know what? I fucking did it! It took a kind of dedication that has trained me to be the badass Man I am today. It was hard, lonely; there were years when I was a wimp with no friends, but now? Now I break legs like I break wind - hard and loud with a stink like you wouldn't believe! Customer service is something I've come to know inside and out. A guy asks me a question, you know what he gets? The no-bullshit answer. He gets the real deal; the fucking truth with a capital T. I tell it like it is and don't take shit. You want to pretend you didn't hide something in your jacket? I'll pretend I'm not really cracking the vertebrae in your lumbar! Dumb bitch!

Alright, well, thanks for giving me the opportunity to prove myself in the eyes of real professionals.

Nate Balding!

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