Well, I just broke down the wall between life and humor. And not on purpose. The following is a cover letter that I wrote with no comedic intention at all and then sent away following a litany of template-like cover letters to people that will probably not call me back. Enjoy.
*****
Need a Salad / Deli Prep Cook.
Candidate must have ...
Positive attitude
Team Demeanor
7 day a week availability
Strong work ethic
High energy
Integrity
In return we offer Vacation, Sick, Holiday pay, and Health Benefits.
Please Send Resume to ja.healy@sagedining.com
*****
Hiring Authority:
I am a longtime deli enthusiast looking to change careers and begin working in a place I can whole heartedly get behind. For a number of years I've worked in a technical position and I can no longer stomach the loneliness and get-together nerdery that accompanies it. (I can, of course, stomach delicious sandwiches). I want to be part of a team and have enjoyed the times when I did work in a kitchen - though a number of years ago and no longer present on my resume - and would love the opportunity to join yours and prep prep prep away! My availability is wide open, I can start tomorrow and I don't have any children or academic aspirations to hold me back from being the best employee I can possibly be. I think that hiring me would be a wise decision as I've been good at everything I've ever done. I hope you don't like disappointment, because it is no longer in your future.
Attached is my resume,
Nate Balding
*****
Somebody please give me a job. I am a wonderful employee and you won't be disappointed until the first time I come to work stinking of whiskey.
BYE!
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