PARKING LOT LITTER CONTROL

LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT PERSON TO CLEAN PARKING LOTS AT SEVERAL LOCATIONS OF ALL TRASH AND DEBRIS. MUST HAVE OWN VEHICLE. 22-26 HOURS PER WEEK

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First of all, you don't need to yell. I'm right here, on the other side of the internet, probably closer geographically than you would be comfortable with if you were aware of my history with screamers.

You see, that's what we called them - the loud ones that would surround your house at night and harangue you, asking that you come out and allow yourself to be arrested; that you would be treated fairly and your family spared. Well, sir, I and my colleagues in opposition to the Russian occupation of our glorious South Ossetia did not. We waited with our rifles until the sun peeked over the horizon and took to laying flat with the light to our backs and commenced the slow slaughter of the filthy dog scum in the distance. And when even our beloved leaders were forced to turn on us, we fled to the corners of the Earth where our various trades were plied, often in the employ of nefarious gangsters operating drug and gun runs from their sleazy topless night clubs.

I soon tired of that life and, after assassinating a member of a particularly vengeful Sicilian coke family, I decided that the best possible thing was to make a new life in the land of dreams that I grew up hating: America.

Yes, even I, the son of a son of a laborer turned soldier in the war against capitalism and Nazis have come to realize that, truly, this is a place where a man can make himself anew; shape himself into the great fist of success that all men crave to be. And it is with this knowledge that I go forth into this new life and seek economic stability, no matter from how or where it must come. Given this and my almost unnatural predilection for maintaining the ecological order of the natural world (I was the one who built and required our squad to use the composting bathroom), I come to you with knees scraped by the harsh streets on which I beg for work.

Please, allow me the grand opportunity to clean your various parking lots! I am simply a man, endowed by the world with strengths others will never know, who seeks employment. You will find that your lots have never been cleaner! That the rats who infest your gutters will no longer congregate amongst the ocean of KIAs parked on your pavement! That the slow rape of this world by man and His greed shall slow to a snail's pace wherever you own property that I've cleaned!

This is the opportunity before you. Either take it and live eternally in my gratitude or do not and slice the head from my shoulders like so many Russian shit tongues (that translates badly into English, but trust me, it's awful) could not do.

Enclosed is my resume, detailing the information necessary for consideration.

Thank you,

Nate Balding

PS: Please disregard reference name Ivan "Kalashnikov" Gogol, as he was recently convicted of the drowning deaths of several Sudanese rebels and was subsequently murdered in prison. I know, I should remove it, but it's such a hassle and so few people check references anyway.