Friday, December 12, 2008

Employee Benefits Manager


We are looking for someone who can ensure that our benefits program helps us attract and retain the desired workforce. With the help of an assistant, this hands-on position will analyze benefits needs, make recommendations for change, and oversee benefits implementation & administration. Because we attempt to optimize our human resources, this position may at times get involved in non-benefits areas such as compensation or employee relations. Our company is entrepreneurial so the work environment tends to be flexible and non-bureaucratic. If you have a bachelor's degree and experience managing benefits, we are interested.

Excellent benefits package including medical, dental, vision, life insurance, PTO, and more, as well as competitive salary!


The dental business, eh?

Good, because, frankly, my teeth are in worse shape than a ten year old whose been left home alone while his family flies to France and has to outwit a couple of bumbling would-be burglars! Am I right? Yeah, I'm right...

And now that I've broken the ice, let's get down to business, shall we? You need someone to snap your worthless employees into shape through iron-handed benefit management. That person could - nay, should! - be me. I know how to treat all the little hands reaching into your pockets. You cut them the hell off until they stop grabby-grabbing like awful, greedy little thieves! You must leverage those benefits until you've got a workforce that fears your wrath! This is what I like to do: I pretend I'm the Ayatollah and the employees are bad Muslims. What do you do with bad Muslims when you're the religious leader of a puppet government? You stone them to death, one after the next, until every single remnant falls into line. Here's another idea that I think will really wow you: Illegal workforce. I know, I know. Unpopular right now, but hear me out. If you can bring in a workforce that expects nothing? Then you don't have to GIVE them anything! Not a single benefit! They're barely even people! You can just sit back, let your pockets fill up with hundred dollar bills and coast your way to Cozumel. Seriously.

This is the opportunity you've been looking for. And I'm here to orchestrate the systematic degradation of your employee benefit package. Allow me to become your Gestapo. Together we will crush spirits, destroy hope and build a magnificent dental empire!


Nate Balding

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