Thursday, December 18, 2008

Part Time Office Worker

10-12 hours weekly. Experience preferred. Resume and cover letter with at least 3 references please.



I'm seeking a second job. Raising chickens for slaughter and making butter just isn't the moneymaker it used to be. And now that Obama bin Laden's been elected to the presidency of the United States I'm more convinced than ever that the future is one of instability and, ultimately, the utter destruction of first America and then mankind on whole. However, in the interim, before God rains flaming sulphuric boulders from the sky, I would like to be able to provide enough bread and rice for my family to survive into the apocalypse, at which point we will rise up to Heaven on golden sun rods and angel clouds. No doubt you will be among the masses hoarded into the great maw of the Beast, but that doesn't mean we can't work together, does it? In fact, you may even benefit from the piety that I will bring to your office and the daily Word of God 2008-09 calendar that will be forever present at my workspace. I could even convince my pastor to baptize the heathen office workers! He did a fine job turning our small community of God-fearing people into True Believing Christian Separatists. But in this economy, even our little clan is forced to pursue other means by which to support ourselves and our ambitions toward Eternity (what is your policy on concealed handguns?). Before my rebirth I worked in many offices and once even prevented one of those 'incidents' you used to read about in the mid nineties. In terms of references I can give three excellent ones: The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. All will speak volumes about my excellent office working skills. And if you're lucky, all will welcome you into the bosom of Christ Our Lord and raise you up past the glass bowl of sky to the Kingdom beyond the Veil!

Bless you,

Nate Balding

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