Friday, December 11, 2009

Part Time & Full Time Position $$$$

GREATE OPORTUNITY. As the economy gets weaker the need for our services gets stronger $$$ Become a Debt Settlement Specialist and make money by helping people.
We are currently seeking motivated individuals for our new office. We provide all neccessary tools, friendly, comfortable work environment with competitive wages and commissions.
United Capital Partners is "AAA" rated and well-respected organization that provides a no hassle consultation.

Hours of operation, M-Th 11-8, Fri 10-4

Requirements
– Experience in the same field is a plus but not necessary
– Great closing skills (outbound calls)
– A “refuse to lose” attitude
– Must be dynamic, driven and self motivated
– Bilingual (Spanish or any other) a plus

How to apply:
After reviewing our website, you can either
– Apply in person (no need for an appointment) Mon-Thurs 1:00-8:00, Fri 10-4 (see address below)
– Email to: job@rockymountaindebtset.com
– Send resume to:
Rocky Mountain Debt Set, LLC
(Please Reduce My Debt)
8791 Wolff Court
Suite 140
Westminster, CO 80031

If you have any questions, please call 720-542-1111.

*****

Dear consummate professional:

I'm not going to lie. What initially attracted me to the post offering a job were the four dollar signs. As an avid reader of local restaurant reviews, I recognize this to indicate that the job being referred has an average price of fairly expensive. Also, the position offered being BOTH full AND part time without being pluralized? The thought that immediately raced through my head was, "This I've got to see."

You can imagine my surprise when I clicked the link and discovered that you were offering GREATE OPORTUNITY. All caps. You know what all caps means? Fucking business, that's what. No idea what this greate oportunity is (I'm hoping the result of an experiment to mate infant howler monkeys with Indonesian soccer ball weavers, also infants), and I'm literally dying (from cancer) to find out.

And find out I will, because I'm about to Sham Wow you with all the correct references to indicate that I am the perfect man for this vaguely defined job!

Point number one: You are AAA rated. I haven't missed an episode of Galavision's AAA Lucha Libre in five years. 'Nuff said.

Point numero dos: Spanish! You see it! Right there, I said number two in another language! That, however, is the extent of my Spanish.

Point number three: Experience in the field. Shockingly, I have been in debt many times, to many people, and have rarely paid those debts off, choosing instead to fall into the hands of a collection service, who invariably are unable to squeeze the money from me, as I own nothing and they cannot garnish my unemployment checks. As an artful credit dodger, I can safely say that I have enough experience in the field to justify my inclusion among your super stars of debt settlement specializing.

Point number four: I am extremely delusional. You want a refuse to lose attitude? I have never lost! And in situations where loss seems likely, I trick myself into believing that that was the outcome I was seeking, thus continuing to win! The rusted iron bear trap that I call a mind is capable of feats that even the grandeur-est of homeless kings would marvel at! IF I CANNOT LOSE THEN NOBODY CAN WIN! DON'T YOU SEE?!

And, finally, we come to point number five: Closing skills. Well, Sirs and Madams, simply see below.

If you are unconvinced at this juncture, then you are a madman. However, if all has gone as planned and you are on your feet, waving this letter in the air and enjoining your colleagues in the loud recitation of my qualifications to fist waving hoots and shouts of "Here, here! There is among us a King!", (and, I am assured to myself, this IS the case), then gather your staff and build to me a small shrine, heaped with the offerings of lamb and fruit, crispy bacon and the fleshy head of Harry Knowles recently severed, and I shall come to you atop my golden chariot, driving before me a fleet of jade golems carved into images of the children from the television show Degrassi Jr High, and a new day of debt settlement specializing will be upon the Earth, and everywhere the poor will quake in their torn boots and beg for a mercy that we have no intention of showing!

TOGETHER WE CAN BRING THIS PLANET TO ITS KNEES!

Happy Holidayzzz,

Nate Balding

5 comments:

Kevin said...

Poor Mr. Knowles...

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