Saturday, October 11, 2008

Evening Doorman

Do you like working in a nurturing, fast-paced environment with room for advancement? Look no further than the Heathman Hotel, in downtown Portland, Or. Named one of the "World's Best Places to Stay" by Condé Nast Traveler and one of the "500 Best Hotels in the World" by Travel + Leisure, The Heathman Hotel sets the standard for elegance and style. Our personalized attention to every guest's needs ensures an unforgettable stay in Portland.

The Heathman Hotel is looking for an energetic, outgoing person to represent our hotel. We are looking to fill the evening doorman position. Don’t miss this opportunity to wear our Beefeater uniform and work at one of the most unique hotels in Portland. You will need a valid driver’s license, a copy of your driving record, and pass a drug screening. The Heathman Hotel is consistently rated one of the premier boutique hotels in Portland. For more information on our property, visit

Ideal candidates would possess excellent customer service skills, fun & outgoing personalities, and willingness to tackle challenging tasks and responsibilities. Experience in customer service related fields is preferable. The shift will be from 3:00pm-11:00pm and you must work weekends. Flexibility in scheduling is a must.

Don’t miss out on this opportunity! We eagerly await your response. Interested applicants are welcome to apply personally, or reply to the e-mail address provided below (please provide resumes with response).


Greetings Future Fellow Heathman Hotel Employee! I hope this fine day finds you in good health and high spirits.

I would like to apply for the job you've posted on Craigslist. Some things you should know about me in bullet point form:

*I am outgoing and energetic in every endeavor, whether it be a new job or a trip to the dentist!
*I am a highly functional individual and have almost no mental illness in my family history (Sorry Uncle Charlie, but you're not helping on this one!)
*I have a great deal of customer service experience and enjoy dealing with people very much!
*I'm willing to work for tips!
*I've never committed fraud!
*I will definitely NOT not wash my hands after number two (If you catch my drift!)

Here are some things that I'm looking for in you, also in bullet point form:

*You are kind
*You are funny
*You are not a terrorist
*You pay well, but not too well, as I prefer tips
*Underneath it all you're just a human being, just like me and everyone else, with emotions and cares and hopes and dreams and aspirations that you want to accomplish before you kick off this mortal coil and go to play with the angels

If we sound as much like a good fit to you as you sound to me, let me know! I'm eager to get myself a job so I can start drinking again.

Thanks so much!

Nate Balding


Jamie said...

I'm glad you included that bit about not being a terrorist. Whew. I was fucking worried for a second.


sorry,freak--even I,the man with the gun in his pocket-wash my goddamned hands after crapping at the toilet! YOU ARE NOT FIT OR SANITARY ENOUGH FOR A DOORMAN JOB-AND NOT WISE ENOUGH TO BE A HIT-MAN AND WIPE THE DAMNED BLOODY PRINTS OFF THE WEAPON----SO SORRY!