Quality Engineer

Acumed LLC in Hillsboro is currently recruiting for a Quality Engineer.

Job Purpose / Scope

Designs and installs quality control process sampling systems, procedures, and statistical techniques. Investigates issues to determine root cause and develop appropriate corrective and preventative actions. Designs or specifies inspection and testing mechanisms and equipment. Analyzes production limitations and standards. Recommends revision of specifications when indicated. Formulates or assists in formulating quality control policies and procedures.

Qualifications include:
-Bachelors degree in Quality Assurance or equivalent field required
-2+ years experience in manufacturing / quality with a working knowledge of inspections techniques and procedures
-Working knowledge of validations (IQ, OQ, PQ) and process FMEA
-Working knowledge of applicable Code of Federal Regulations (21 CFR Parts 7,11,803,806,820, etc.) and ISO 13485 systems
-ASQ certified Quality Engineer, Six Sigma certified and knowledge of Lean Manufacturing principles desired

For more about our company, culture and benefits and to see a detailed job description please visit our website at www.acumed.net

To apply please send cover letter and resume to resumes@acumed.net

*****

Hiring Manager:

I am writing this letter to you in response to your Craigslist posting seeking a quality engineer, and to attempt to convince you, by the end of this letter, to hire me instead of that bitch Sheila Perninsky.

I've known Sheila for most of my life. We were childhood friends who met at a local public pool and discovered that we lived on the same block. Our friendship was immediate and few days went by without a trailblazing bicycle ride or a crawl through the expansive undergrowth in the massive yard of a nearby dilapidated mansion owned by a man we all called Old Withershins. As we progressed into our teens, becoming increasingly aware of each other, Sheila and I experimented briefly and in an all-too-Dawson's-Creek way with sex, though ultimately decided - for the best, I have always maintained - that we continue to be just friends. We parted ways at college, as often happens, I attending a University in Phoenix and Sheila, to her great credit, going to Brown. We both majored in communications and after college both returned home to Portland where we found each other once more when both of us were employed as system analysts in the same office. We clicked immediately and, after a night of slightly too much red wine, slept together. It was a beautiful night, crystallized in my memory as a single perfect moment suspended before the very likeness of God in the form of a pillar of solar flame.

But what happened two years later? What happened when someone a little older, wiser, with more money decided that Sheila should go away to Chile on an adventure climbing mountains? You can guess what happened. Sheila Perninsky, my lifetime friend and companion, told me to go fuck myself. Well fuck you Sheila! You're not even that good looking! When you break a man's heart you'd better rip it from his chest or suffer the consequences!

I am equally qualified for the position Sheila is applying for - and I know she applied because I snooped her email outbox from work, so don't even try to tell me she didn't - only I have one thing that Sheila cannot claim: Integrity. When I become a member of your corporate family I don't piss on your emotions and flush away fifteen years - fifteen years! - for some bullshit nobody asshole named Frederick Ungerland - I'm coming for you too fuckface Fred!

Please consider not hiring that bitch, Sheila Perninsky, because she's a whore and a liar and fuck her.

Thank you,

Nate Balding